Mark Warner Is Too Creepy-Looking to be President

I hate to steer this thing towards politics... but too bad. This is Governor Mark Warner of Virginia. Warner is shaping up to be Sen. Hillary Clinton's main competition for the Democratic nomination in the 2008 Presidential election (the one that the Democrat, whoever it is, has NO EXCUSE to lose... NONE). What makes Warner appealing? Well, he's insanely popular as a Democrat in what has been a strong Red State, he's wealthy, he's building up a war chest, and he's relatively young. Yeah, whatever.

Look, I'm going to square with you. My biggest problem with Mark Warner is that he's not Hillary Clinton. I'm on her side big-time. She went to NY under heavy fire for being a political oppertunist and a carpetbagger and has done nothing but succeed despite that. She's very popular, even in that mysterious "upstate" region that includes roughly 85% of the state geographically. Not being Hillary Clinton isn't really a problem that Warner can address. I apologize. My second problem with the governor is also one that he can't really address... Dude looks friggin' creepy.

In a perfect world, the looks of a candidate wouldn't matter. The platform presented, mastery of the issues and ability to lead would be the criteria upon which to base our votes. Well, in a perfect world a woman, black, asian, hispanic, jewish or gay person would have been president by now. Excuse me while I step away from the keyboard to laugh hysterically.

Ok, back. The point is that this world is not perfect, and contrary to popular belief, Mark Warner isn't either. John Kerry's resemblance to those talking trees in the Wizard of Oz had just as much to do with his loss as a complete failure to establish a message and snooty know-it-all image. Michael Dukakis' absurd eyebrows were just as damaging as his decision to go GI Joe in front of a camera crew. Bob Dole looked like he could barely stay awake, how the hell could he fight the terrorists and such? I fear that some of our greatest presidents wouldn't be able to make the cut today with all of the media focus. Honest Abe looked like an early prototype for Dr. Frankenstein. I'm not even sure that Teddy Roosevelt was a real person; in fact the cartoons that I see of him now sometimes bear a closer resemblance to actual humanity than real photographs. Let's not even get started on Taft.

So, when you enter that voting booth in the Democratic primaries in 2008, remember; you're going to have to see closeups of this guy's face on a regular basis for at least four years. Wouldn't you rather see this?

The 80s Were Terrible: #7

Another day, another reason why the 80s blew. Oftentimes I wish I were younger just so I could say that I had no connection to the 80s at all, then I realize that I would have missed out on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which is today's ok thing about the 80s. Of course, these cool things combined don't even counteract a single Wham! song, so the decade loses as a whole. Today's issue with the 80s is a matter of national pride.





The Seventh Worst Thing About The 1980s: Olympic Boycotts

In 1980, President Jimmy Carter decided to boycott the summer Olympics due to the USSR's decision to invade Afghanistan in 1979. Was this in the spirit of the games as a two-week period where politics don't matter? Hell no, but Jimmy Carter was a badass and would take no gruff. That invasion greatly contributed to the terrorism coming of of the mideast currently, so he was probably right in his decision. Some of the less badass nations like France and the UK didn't fully back the boycott (they did send smaller delegations than usual... but that defeats the purpose of a boycott), but many nations did. In retaliation, the USSR and its associates (you know the rundown) boycotted the 1984 Games held in Los Angeles, CA. While the US's boycott was principled and awesome, the USSR boycott was whiny and spiteful. At least that's what Uncle Sam tells me. I'm sure Americans just ignored the '80 Olympics, and since we were ridiculously dominant without the #2 world power present at the '84 games, I'm sure we didn't care again.

The biggest loss here? National pride. This stuff went down in the midst of the Cold War, and a little athletic beatdown would have accelerated the Soviet Union's deterioration. I'm going to say these events (the boycotts) cost the nation 2-3 years of effort and hundreds of millions of dollars, although the LA Olympics were the first (only?)* to ever run a profit...

(NO OLYMPICS IN NEW YORK CITY)




* - in no way was this "fact" verified, well the part about being the first was, but not the only

The 80s Were Terrible: #8

In my continued crusade against all things 80s, we now look at a particular film. I would argue that The Fast and the Furious was one of the worst things to ever happen to this country, as it led to reckless driving and semi-legitimacy for Paul Walker. Well, this one is kind of the TFATF for the 80s. But first, as promised, a positive from the 80s: Super Bowl XXI








Eighth Worst Thing About The 1980s: Scarface

Let me explain myself. I've seen Scarface, and I enjoyed it. Who doesn't like a good Scarface impression? Plus it had a young Michelle Pfeiffer looking just strung out enough, but not to the point where you felt like she would make important parts of your anatomy spontaneously combust on contact. The incestuous undertones were weird, but whatever.

I have two issues here:

1. Scarface is not THAT good
Like I said, I've seen the movie, and I enjoyed it. I've also seen things like "Just Friends" and "Zoolander" and enjoyed those as well. These are not good works of cinema, they were just nice mental getaways. I consider Scarface to be the same thing. Tony Montana's accent is ridiculous. Ridiculously funny and entertaining, yes, but ridiculous nonetheless. The storyline is kind of stupid, and the ending is beyond laughable. Again, entertaining, but entertaining in the same way that shooting down helicopters in Grand Theft Auto is entertaining. This was fun for a second, but let's move on to something more substantial. The worst part of this massive overrating is what it does in the context of other films. I hear people mention this thing in the same breath as Goodfellas and The Godfather I/II. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? First of all, I don't see any Brando or De Niro in Scarface, nor do I see any PI Pacino (PI - pre-insanity... something happened to that guy). The blood and cursing do not make it one of the great movies of all time, which is what you're saying when you compare it to those other gangster films. Stop this crap.

2. Tony Montana Is Not a Role Model
You know how an episode of MTV Cribs is not complete without a glance at the Scarface poster and the DVD collection that has the widescreen, special edition, special 20th anniversary edition, unrated version, and director's cut of Scarface? And then this is followed by a little bit where the celebrity says how cool Scarface was and how he influenced them in their career? WHAT THE ----? Scarface was a convict-turned cocaine dealer sent into the United States by Fidel Castro specifically to unleash a plague of crime upon the streets of Miami. This is the guy that helped you get that record deal? Tony Montana is a drug addict and a cold-blooded murderer... he drove you through those two-a-days in high school training camp? WOW. End this garbage too. Go watch Stand and Deliver for inspiration. At least the kids don't die in a hail of gunfire.

The 80s Were Terrible: #9

This is the second of a 10 part series on the 80s being absolute crap. I think I should acknowledge something that was a little less crappy about the decade in each on of these entries. This will also allow me to stretch the title paragraph and make these things look longer... I mean, allow me to further express myself. So here it is: that video for "Take On Me" by A-Ha is kind of cool. On with the bashing.






The Ninth Worst Thing About The 1980s: Yuppies

I don't mean to imply that Christian Bale or American Psycho suck, in fact, they are both quite awesome. However, American Psycho is full of Yuppies, and the idiocy of the Yuppies portrayed makes the reckless murder that goes on a little easier on the palette. Yes, Patrick Bateman is a classic Yuppie himself, but since he kills so many he actually works out to be an asset to Yuppie/Non-Yuppie balance.

So what is a Yuppie? Yuppies were incredibly self-absorbed young businesspeople in the 80s that got rich as the economy TEMPORARILY boomed FOR THE VERY WEALTHY thanks to crazy-ass Reagan's ridiculous economic policy and Japan's financial emergence. These people went ape(expletive deleted) as they hit the world with their cash and lack of personal integrity. They drove ugly 80s-style cars, snorted coke in clubs while lame 80s music blared, played racqetball during lunch, exploited the middle class for personal gain and produced maladjusted children as they were too busy buying ugly cars/snorting coke/playing raquetball/f**king over regular people to raise their kids properly. If you dislike the the current direction of American culture, you can blame a lot of that on Yuppies, and therefore the 80s. I bet you're starting to wonder if Thriller was worth it, aren't ya?

Snow Day!!!

Apparently, "The Perfect Storm 2: Winter Edition" is developing over the northeast today, and although I don't have class on Friday anyway (I should be paid to design schedules for people), the realization that with college comes the effective death of snow days has come upon me. I remember getting up extra early on those days and turning on the television to see what school districts had found it in their hearts to allow the kids to stay inside from the arctic hell that had formed outside their homes... and then being disappointed.

I am more than grateful of having been blessed with an upbringing in the greater metropolitan area of New York, but one of the downsides was that there as an idea out that we should all be tough and capable of getting the roads together well enough to conduct regular business regardless of weather conditions. Maybe this is true in The City (note the capitalization, you know what I'm talking about), but I didn't exactly live in the city. We had that city attitude, but not the city capabilities of snow removal. Instead, we would too often end up in school as Mother Nature took a proverbial dump on the human race. This was followed by delightful trudges back through slush to return to our abodes and do the homework that we wouldn't have had if school were cancelled...

Back to the college thing. Conveniently, though last year was one of the worst for snowfall in the recorded history of the planet, the really big snows seemed to always occur on weekends or during breaks from school. So what would happen? The snow would be allowed to block every walkway imaginable... UNTIL MONDAY, when it would magically be gone so as to allow class to go on. I don't mind going to class, but when the walkway cleaning is so obviously done without regard to student comfort I get a little angry. All I ask is that things like my ability to eat meals in the dining hall or go to the library be taken into account. Is that too much to ask? IS IT? As I write this, the bottom step to the building next door (which luckily contains my dining hall!) and the new snow-aided ground level are equalizing. This has been my rant that nobody will care about.

Fear not, the 80s bashing will resume shortly.

Memoirs of a Geisha - Filmless Review

Part two of the big filmless review double-feature. There are many similarities between this one and our other review; hey both are based on books I have never even considered reading, both have outstanding posters, and they are both being released on December 9th... at least in certain cities (Geisha releases wide on December 16). Ok, not really that similar. I would guess that Geisha doesn't have talking animals (save for a possible dream sequence or something) or the potential for six sequels. The lack of sequel potential becomes even more obvious when you look at some of the reviews this is getting. What a dog!

Memoirs of a Geisha also shares another trait in common with the Chronicles of Narnia... literal film titles! This is excellent since I didn't plan on doing much plot summary anyway! These are the memoirs of a geisha working during World War II in Kyoto (hope this film doesn't violate protocol... *rimshot*). The geisha were/are women that worked/work in Japan as hostesses? I don't really know how to describe it. They were trained in literature, arts, conversation, etc. and would be paid by men to just sort of hang out. It should be made clear that geisha were/are NOT prostitutes, at least not generally. Whether you are happy or disappointed about that says sheds a great deal of light upon your personal moral fiber.

As I said, the reviews aren't too hot, but the poster is. Considering that I have absolutely no shot of seeing the Chronicles of Narnia and King Kong comes out on the 14th, I could possibly be talked into seeing this. At the very least it will be filmed well, have pretty visuals, and make our site look nice while the poster sits near the top of the front page. Are those visuals worth the $10.50 a movie ticket costs here? Depends on how bored I get.

Chronicles of Narnia - Filmless Review

This week I'm going to do two filmless reviews. One, because I haven't done a review in so long. Two, because they're both film adaptations of books that I never read. Three, because I have very little to talk about so these will be shorter entries than I would like. Anyway...


The Chronicles of Narnia are some fantasy books written by C.S. Lewis and released in the 1950s that seem to have a following amongst people somewhere. I've never been into the fantasy genre, so I could easily start lambasting this stuff right now, but that would be unfair. Instead I will just say that I see a talking lion in all of the trailers, and that immediately prevents me from even considering a ticket buy. The "CON" are really a series of seven books, and quite literally follow the Chronicles of Narnia. While this undoubtedly yields a depth of exploration and understanding that any single text would be incapable to convey, it also makes my attempts to summarize plot impossible. There's something about some kids that travel to this mythical land of Narnia and fight for its freedom... and along the way encounter talking animals. Good times.

Uh, the reviews look pretty good, and the special effects look decent. That poster is also damn cool. What the hell, I recommend it (if you're into this stuff, which I am not... so I guess I don't recommend it)


Memoirs of a Geisha soon... maybe even today!

The 80s Were Terrible: #10

I shouldn't even have to bother writing this. The 80s being a travesty as a whole should be understood and universally accepted. Frankly, I hear way too much positivity about the 80s, and it makes me sick to my stomach. The decade was so terrible, that I will make a ten-part series on their assiness. Some will say that this is just an thinly veiled attempt to stretch content because I update the site so lacksadasically as it is... I will say shut up and enjoy.





The Tenth Worst Thing About the 80s: Fashion/Style

All you really need to do is watch the Thriller video and notice how ridiculous everyone looks. Yeah, I know he's Michael Jackson and he's "the shit" (or at least he was), but the guy is wearing a tiny red leather jacket/pant set full of zippers. Are you kidding me? People also need to realize tha a lot of the lame fashion that gets asociated with the 90s are actually 80s fashions sloppily conveyed to the public by the mainstream media. Remember, MTV (one of the few good things about the 80s, along with Eddie Murphy, Ferris Bueller and my birth) didn't get started until about halfway through, and didn't hit its stride until the Real World Revolution, so we were largely counting on old stuffy TV executives to spread pop culture. Of course they were about 2 years behind on everything. I refuse to accept fanny packs or acid-wash jeans as works of the 90s.

Oh, it goes on. Mullets, jheri curls, mohawks, this crap, all popularized in the 80s. Mullets alone should get this tagged as the worst decade ever. You ever see one of those 80s parties held? You notice how ridiculous everyone has to make themselves look to really acheive that "80s vibe"? Well there you friggin' go. Right now you could go hit Google image search and find pictures of Madonna wearing like 47 little bracelets on each arm; and being cool because of that. This is when L.A. Gear happened dammit!

You Killed My Childhood, I Kill Your Retirement

I put up a brave front when asked about steroid use in professional sports, (note that I say PROFESSIONAL SPORTS; 80% of the NFL is on steroids, and Antoine Walker's head is just way too big*) usually going with the old "Oh, I knew it anyway" bit. The thing is... I didn't. I wanted to believe that I was maybe watching a renaissance in the game, following up a dreary 1980s (which sucked for so many reasons) with a new decade of home run records, Yankee championships, and... labor strikes? Scratch the last one.

When Mark McGwire cracked that 62nd home run, I was 12 years old and watching on TV from a hotel room in Virginia during a vacation; and it was great. Not just because Mark was giving me the chance to witness true baseball history, but also because Sammy Sosa was annoying as hell and was the main competitor for the record. As you must know, the facade has begun to crumble recently. The allegations and suspicions were out there, but then Jose Canseco blew the lid off the whole thing and started naming names. Mark McGwire, Pudge Rodriguez, Rafael Palmiero, etc. This was followed by the first season of steroid testing in Major League Baseball, which kicked off with no-names and a bunch of minor-leaguers getting fingered until the main course hit the table; Rafael Palmiero's head on a platter.

This was a man that had been classy enough to have been featured in Viagra commercials. This was the guy that was successful because of a sweet swing and guile, not one of those Popeye physiques. This was the guy that had waved his finger in the nation's face in a congressional hearing on steroid use in baseball shortly before the season began; making it crystal clear that he HAD NOT used steroids. Well, not only had Raffy used steroids, but he had used HORSE steroids. Screw you Raffy.

Mark Starr of Newsweek discusses the upcoming Hall of Fame elections, and gets into the fact that next year's ballot will be headlined by, amongst others, Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco. McGwire didn't exactly admit to steroid use, but I think I can gather some things from that joke of a performance he put on during the aforementioned congressional hearing. In case you weren't watching, McGwire broke down like a kiddy that got his bike jacked in the playground repeatedly as the congressmen peppered him with questions about his potential 'roiding. "Big Mac" can go take a long walk off a short pier... with a pulled grenade in his pocket. As for Jose, I would almost want him granted an induction just for making Palmiero look like a jackass. He has done more for baseball with his loudmouth and ghostwritten memoir than 99% of the guys in the game will ever be able to match.

I'm saying it, if you were caught 'roiding, or even strongly suspected of 'roiding, you need to be barred from the Hall (unless you're our hero Jose). Innocent until proven guilty, schminnocent(?) until guilty. This isn't a murder trial, this is a game that you have brought shame to. Palmiero, Bonds, McGwire, Sosa... you can all see your ways out.

As for Jim Rice getting into the Hall; let me put it this way. If he were a Yankee I'd be clamoring for it, but since he's a Red Sock (and a fairly large a-hole at that), I say he waits in line behind Donnie Baseball.


* - just kidding about 'Toine, don't sue me

Pep Talk

This place has gone unloved for far too long. We have both dropped the proverbial ball, and QUITE FRANKLY I'm not happy about it. Yeah, I know... we have school and all that garbage. You know what I say? MAN UP. What is more important... this site, or your future career? That's what I thought. Let me quote a great philosopher:

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

Two things.

1. I have always wanted to use that quoting stuff in a post, but never had a reason to. Well, BAM. It happened. Live it up.

2. That's from an Eminem song. See, I called him a "great philosopher". That's the joke. Frickin' funny, right? RIGHT? That's what I thought.

Back in my day we had to walk 10 miles through the snow in 110 degree weather to update our blogs. Now you snot-nosed kids have intraweb access in your damn room. No excuses, never surrender, push the envelope, feel the burn, taste the rainbow, etc. If you get thrown off the horse and shatter your tibia into 9 pieces, what do you do? WALK IT OFF. YEAH! YES! THIS IS IT! THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! Now. Right frickin' now. Listen up.

Filmless Reviews EVERY THURSDAY. No excuses. Sleepy? FILMLESS REVIEW. Midterm? FILMLESS REVIEW. Bird Flu? FILMLESS REVIEW. Alien invasion? FILMLESS REVIEW. If I fail to do this, you have permission to walk into my room and stab me in the gut. No questions asked. Oh, where do I live? Don't worry about it.

It's the least I can do. Quinn for Heisman, Hillary '08, Feliz Navidad, Boo-Yah.

Jarhead - Filmless Review

And #10 at that...


In reality, having the 10th Filmless Review be a review of a film that I actually watched isn't particularly true to the concept of the feature... but I have decided not to care.

Jarhead is a film adaptation of former US Marine Anthony Swofford's 2003 novel Jarhead: A Marine's Chronicle of the Gulf War and Other Battles. It tells Swofford's story of being a 20 year old man thrust into the life of a Marine; from boot camp to the Gulf War. All you should need to know is that it was directed by the same guy that did American Beauty... but I will go on anyway.

Jake Gyllenhall, last seen luring an elderly man's daughter from her caretaking work in Proof, stars as Swofford. We are provided with a gritty look at the realities of his choice Swofford loses his girlfriend, his belief in the cause, and to some extent, his mind. One of the common complaints that I have in other reviews is that the story doesn't really go anywhere. This is true to an extent; the ending (The end of the war... duh) really has very little to do with the story being told throughout. This is an exploration of the characters and the toll that war takes on their psyches, not the events of the war themselves. At this point, I'm going to have to press the brakes on this review because it has gotten WAY too serious.

Today's tangential point that derails a review will be movie trailers. Along with that "nothing happens" complaint, I have also seen reviewers complaining about a lack of action in Jarhead. From a factual standpoint this is true; Jarhead has very little action... in fact, that is a point that is touched upon in the film itself (not going to ruin it... or maybe I did already). My question is this; how can you ever complain about a movie having "too little action"? Who decided that this was supposed to be an action movie at all? Oh... I know, the marketing team. The trailers of Jarhead definitely implied that there was some Rambo-lite stuff going down. Totally didn't happen. If marketing people weren't so stupid, Jarhead would be a bit higher than 56% on RottenTomatoes. Hey, what do I know? Maybe the false-marketing campaign pushed more tickets this week; I know I had a crappy seat because the theater I sat in was packed. Then again, I have reason to believe that those attendance numbers were inflated by the proximity to a college campus full of uber-liberals that salivate at the thought of the military being criticized*... so take that with a grain of salt. We'll see when the box-office charts come out in a couple of days. I suppose I should give some kind of assessment of the movie as a whole. I liked it a lot. Probably the best movie I've seen this year... unless I saw The Aviator in January and not December. Don't really remember.






* - Monticello is a registered Democrat

TheFacebook.com Sold Out

Normally I avoid the term "sold-out", because I feel that it is overused. For example, many would say that Gwen Stefani sold out because she went from some California punk rocker guy's girlfriend in like 1991 to doing crap like "Hollaback Girl" and making duets with Eve. I would just say that she "broadened her horizons" and conveniently raked in lots of cash along the way. See, TheFacebook.com has gone above and beyond anything Stefani pulled off. I remember when I first registered and there were something like 15 schools on the entire service. Facebook was fresh (although not really) and kind of quaint. It had been established by some college students to help their campus' socially inept student body get to know each other. A real feel-good story for the whole family. Well, ever since that day I have seen nothing but deterioration.

1. Over-expansion: TheFacebook went from a Harvard thing, to an Ivy League thing, to an elite college thing, to a big-school thing, to a 4-year post-secondary education thing, to a "this institution can up your monthly hit numbers and bump ad revenue" thing. The addition of SouthNorthCentralEastern Polytechnic State A&M Community College was a bit much. It just ends up killing the magic.

2. Commercialization: Money makes the world go 'round. I even wrote a song saying something like that when I was in 4th grade (not that I can write music... it consisted of me humming a general tune and imagining some generic R&B floozy repeating one phrase repeatedly. Don't judge.) I understand that the creators of Facebook wanted to make some money off of the venture. Good for them. The thing is, I'm a little tired of getting group invites to things like the "Jimmy's Sports Bar Group" or the "Madden 2006 presented by EA Sports" group. Sell all of that ad space you want, but stop intruding into my "personal space". I have the same objection to this as I do with pop-up ads. You are free to make advertising visible and attempt to draw my attention to it... within reason. Getting friended by "Fox's New Sunday Lineup" is as far from within reason as it gets.

3. High Schools: This was the straw that broke the camel's back, and also what pushed me to eventually make this post. Yeah, I know this will push even MORE traffic to the site and thusly increase the amount that you can demand from advertisers; however there needs to be a line drawn somewhere. What separates Facebook from MySpace now? I remember bringing this up previously and being told that "Facebook is for college students and MySpace is for teenagers with low self-esteem and dirty old men". Well Facebook is clearly no longer college-exclusive, and some of these pictures that I see up just scream "daddy didn't pay enough attention". There really is no difference... besides those damn embedded videos that seem to have taken MySpace by storm... not that I use MySpace. They even recently added personal photo albums... because I need to be able to see 9 different pictures of you in a trucker hat with no shirt on. Just saying. I should also add that alumni and administrative staff at schools (all of whom may or may not be dirty old men) can easily get a Facebook account.


4. Schools from Mexico, the UK and Canada: 'Nuff said







I kid, I kid... I love Mexican food, Tony Blair is awesome, and Elisha Cuthbert is hot.

A Picture Saves A Thousand Birds

That is a TERRIBLE pun.

Did you guys see game 5 of the NLCS? Here's the setup: it's the top of the ninth, and the Houston Astros are up 4-2 on the St. Louis Cardinals and sitting three outs away from a 4-1 series victory and the first World Series appearance in the history of the franchise. Their all-star closer Brad Lidge comes in and mows down the first two batters. He gets 2 strikes on David Eckstein, and he dinks a single into left field. No biggie. Next up is Jim Edmonds, who works a walk. This is where the collars get tight.

Albert Pujols comes to bat as the go-ahead run. Lidge gets 2 strikes on "Phat Albert" and the crowd is going NUTS. These people are excited, the Astros are practically running out of the dugout already, the plastic is up in the locker room and the bottles of champaign are ready to be wasted. Then it happens... Pujols absolutely DESTROYS a ball to deep left field, and the Redbirds take the lead. The crowd shifts from party time to dead silence in an instant.

Later, Fox would run through endless replays of reactions around the park and we would see the disbelief on Lidge's face in full closeup, Andy Pettitte in the dugout mouthing "Oh... My... God...", and Pujols making the most defiant walk out of the batters box that I have ever seen. Not "pimping" as the increasingly unsportsmanlike trots down the first-base line have come to be known in some circles, but just focused and proud and excited and composed and ready to get back to St. Louis and finish business all at once. It was one of the greatest sporting moments that I have ever seen. I was speechless.

Now if only Alex Rodriguez could have done that...

Housekeeping

We have some issues to address:

1. The BIGBIGBIG 10th Filmless Review will be up next week, and to further complicate matters, I must decide between some fairly large releases. Will it be North Country with Charlize Theron or Doom starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson? While Doom would make writing a humorous post easier... I mean, so much about this film is utterly ridiculous... a review of North Country would call for a picture of Charlize Theron (she's a handsome woman). Feel free to comment on the matter.

2. Speaking of which, I got fed up with the spammers and enabled the verification phrase thing on comments. We ask that our core of 10 readers not be turned off by this development.

3. I was recently railroaded into attending a figure skating exhibition, and would post about it if it weren't so embarrassing. Having that kind of information in the public domain would just be ruinous. Whoops.

4. David the Gnome is the shiznit. The site is pretty cool too.

Elizabethtown - Filmless Review

So, we almost had a second consecutive filmless review where I actually saw the movie beforehand. There was a free screening of Domino at the local theater but sadly, it conflicted with a class that I could not bear to skip out on. John Locke is just too important to me. Instead, I'm going to start by talking about Elizabethtown for a little bit and then veer wildly off topic.

Elizabethtown is about a depressed business guy with an incredulously important job for his age (Orlando Bloom) that travels back to his small Kentucky hometown to attend a parent's funeral and finds a kooky girl (Kirsten Dunst) along the way. This reeks of Garden State, with the differences being that business provides far less comedy ammo than a D-level acting career, and that I hate Orlando Bloom waaaaaaaaay more than I hate Zack Braff. This movie is headed by Cameron Crowe, who can usually be counted on to provide something mildly intriguing; but if Rotten Tomatoes is any indicator, he dropped the ball here.

Now that the review part is done with, I can get to the real topic this week: People Hating Kirsten Dunst. Every time I bring up something that Kirsten Dunst was even tangentially involved in, I can be sure that a rant on her uselessness is on the way. "She can't act", "She looks like a troll", "She has a funny name", "She looks like a bitch"... generally things of that nature. I must admit that I am completely incapable of being impartial, as her portrayals of Mary Jane Watson in the Spiderman films have earned her a lifetime pass from me; but to be honest, I think Kirsten Dunst is just super. She doesn't drop Albas on her roles, she's attractive in a "hey, that's actually a human being" way, and her MTV Punk'd segment seemed to indicate that she has retained a very un-Hollywood sense of humanity. I really don't see the issue; but like I said, many people despise her for some reason. This is a phenomena that afflicts several prominent actresses; Nicole Kidman and Jodie Foster come to mind (two other people that I have absolutely no problem with). Do people just hate blondes? I realize that Jodie Foster isn't really blonde, but I wanted to put that out there anyway.

What did we learn this week?

1. Elizabethtown sucks... but not because of Kirsten Dunst.

2. Kirsten Dunst was in Jumanji, Spiderman and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. EVERYONE loves these movies... so how can you hate her?

3. Blondes = A-OK

I Want to be on Jeopardy!

I only used that exclamation point because the show is technically named "Jeopardy!", not because I'm SOOOOOO excited about this... although I am. Yeah.

In my years I have picked up a ludicrous amount of trivial knowledge. This is useful in some ways, but generally I'm holding back information from others because my pool of useless knowledge extends far beyond the point of being "cool". It's edging towards that "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" threshold. Seeing as this is both my gift and my curse, I think that at the very least I should use it to make some cash. Jeopardy! anyone?

Now, I'm not going to go nuts here and claim that I could win a standard game of Jeopardy!. There are days here and there where I could stay in the running, but not usually. However, I could definitely take some games during college week. I went so far as to sign up for the Jeopardy! College Week mailing list, but of course I haven't gotten a damn thing back; and it's been at least a year by now. How can I reach my dreams if Alex Trebek himself (oh, he definitely operates their e-mail services...) doesn't cooperate? HUH? I just want to get on Jeopardy, represent my school, and pocket some dough along the way. Is that so wrong? If I can't make a fool of myself on television, what is the point of knowing that Mayim Bialik was the actress that portrayed the lead character on "Blossom"? What other purpose could there possibly be for my knowing that Alexander Hamilton was born in Nevis? And more importantly, why the hell do I have to answer in the form of a question? And why was that a question? And this one too?

|t|r|i|v|i|a| is my anti-drug...

Serenity - Filmless Review

A VERY SPECIAL Filmless Review

Why is this a very special Filmless Review? Because I actually saw this movie. Oh joy! Serenity is the story of a rag-tag band of space mercenaries... but nice space mercenaries. The entire plot is veeeery complicated, and I have no intention of going through the whole thing, so you're getting a highly condensed version that may or may not make sense in the end. So... it's the 26th Century, and this band of nice space mercenaries (well, that's giving a bad implication; they commit small crimes and conduct transport for payment... they're not soldiers-for-hire) is doing the usual, when a member of the crew decides to save his psychic super-hero rebel sister from Alliance custody. This Alliance isn't necessarily evil, so don't imply that this is ripping off Star Wars... borrowing heavily is the proper term. Anyway, the guy saves his sister, brings her on board, and all kinds of crazy crap ensues because she is in possession of some damaging information.

So how is this VERY SPECIAL Filmless Review any different from your run-of-the-mill Filmless Review? Well, that plot outline was slightly more in-depth than it usually is. As usual, I will now veer wildly off-topic and end up finding some reason to call this movie a piece of crap. Shall we?

You may not be aware of this, but Serenity is actually a continuation of a television series on Fox that was cancelled 11 episodes into its existence. If you go buy the Firefly DVD set (the ship they ride is called Serenity, the show was called Firefly) you will actually get to see 14 episodes, but I guess the ratings were so poor that Fox had to pull the plug ASAP. Word on the street is that DVD sales have been very strong, and as a result some movie exec decided that it would be worthwhile to fund Serenity from an economic standpoint. I mean, it didn't completely bomb in its opening week ($10.1mil), but I'm sure that it will end up having lost money when all is said and done. All four of you that regularly watched Firefly will be rewarded when you go to see Serenity.

You know what? Since I went to go see this one, I can give a legitimate verdict on the film's quality. I'll give it a 7/10. Nice sci-fi action flick, with some suspense, some laughs, and some stuff you'll enjoy a lot more if you study up before hand.

P.S. - This was also very special because I wrote about a movie that came out over a week ago. This is almost as good as when I wrote about "Proof" like 3 weeks before it went national.

Into the Blue - Filmless Review

My feelings on Jessica Alba's acting chops should be pretty clear to those of you who follow this site (a-ha!). To make a not that long story short, she is a horrible actress that gets by on being hot. Now I want you to take a moment out, and try to imagine being Jessica Alba:

You know that you can't act or sing, and dance at a level that could maybe get you on Usher's tour bus as a groupie or something. You are also still extremely depressed about your years-ago breakup with Derek Jeter, just because he is so awesome. So the question now is: "How will I move forward in my career?". If you guessed "Be half-naked for 45 minutes in a movie that is vaguely about sharks or something", you are correct! "Into the Blue" is about divers finding buried treasure or some crap like that. I would go into more detail about the plot, if not for the epic effort by whatever butcher shop of a movie studio is underwriting this thing. There's a concerted effort to just push Alba in a swimsuit and keep details of the "storyline" as buried as possible. I pretty much exhausted my Alba-bashing in a previous post, so I'll talk about this Paul Walker guy a little (the one that isn't in a bikini... yeah, he's there. Just try to concentrate.)

Paul Walker's claims to fame are those Fast and the Furious movies that I will soon be identifying as the worst pieces of pop culture produced in the past 15-20 years in a future post. Of course, anytime I claim that a topic will be explored in a future post I'm essentially guaranteeing that you will never hear of it again from me... but I'll try really hard this time. Anyway, you know that any man with that kind of theatrical resume is going places. Ideally to a rehab center or purgatory, but "places" nonetheless.

In a way, Paul Walker is the male equivalent to Alba. He has no discernible talent outside of looking like an Abercrombie and Fitch model, yet he keeps getting work. The thing is that I know there is some level of idolization that goes on out there where teenage girls might flock to an Alba/Duff/Lohan flick just because they wish to support the actress. This doesn't happen with guys though. There will be no males running the cinemas tomorrow in order to catch a glimpse of Paul Walker in action because he's so "empowered" or whatever. This leaves me with no choice but to ONCE AGAIN indict the entertainment industry as a whole for allowing teenage girls to run the show. Paul Walker has no business being an actor. Not only that, but from what I've gleamed in interviews and such, he probably has no business with anything more than working retail at The Gap or being one of those creepy clothes models on QVC. I would make a plea to all of the 13-20 year old females out there to boycott this film and start up change in our media, but I don't think we're working that demo very well.

Prison: It's a Good Thing

For all these years I've been in the "avoid prison" camp. It's not particularly hard to stay on the path of lawfulness, so there's no need for applause (although I will accept if you insist). This way of life has served me fairly well, but recent events have shaken things up.

About a year and a half ago, Martha Stewart was found guilty on some (bogus) charges in relation to some shady business dealings. The "shady business dealings" that this investigation sprung from happen all the time without further incident, but the feds found the idea of tarnishing the image of Ms. Stewart too exciting to pass up. I personally thought the whole situation was a joke, but I also lack the intense hatred of Martha Stewart that so many people seem to share. That said, the idea of her in prison, country-club prison or not, was hilarious. It got even better when stories like "Stewart's prison nickname is M. Diddy" and a Christmas decorating contest defeat to a fellow inmate leaked into the press. To make a long story short (even though I never attempted to tell this story at any point in the post), this combination of a forced media hiatus and transformation into even more of a punchline had presumably derailed the M Train. Think again.

See, I overestimated the life-ending powers of prison. Normally a stay in a facility of that nature would follow you around for the rest of you life, crushing any chances of resuming a regular life. Normally you aren't Martha Stewart either. Not only did she get another crack at a daytime home improvement/decorating/cooking/crafts/whateverthehellshedoes show, but she ALSO broke into prime time, an arena that she could't get into for anything more than the occasional throwaway special in her pre-prison days. I was going to watch The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, but then I forgot and ended up watching this movie (it's decidedly ok).

I think we have all learned a lesson here. If you want to really go places in life, commit some kind of non-violent felony so that you too can go to country-club prison and then be released as a bigger star than ever. Or don't.

Tim Burton's Corpse Bride - Filmless Review

As I spoke of previously, we definitely need more dancing zombie women in the media. I cannot be SURE that the zombie woman/women in this film dance, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that it happens at some point. Credit for that.

This movie is about a man in 19th Century Europe that gets sent to the underworld and married to a... buckle your seat belts for this one... CORPSE BRIDE. It turns out that his non-zombie fiance is none too pleased. Hilarity, drama and assorted other things ensue.

This seems to a solid picture, but I have some qualms. Let's begin:

1. Didn't Tim Burton put out Willy Wonka like 5 minutes ago? This guy is notorious for vanishing from the Hollywood scene for years at a time. I'm aware that work on this movie probably started years ago; but so what? I can complain about ANYTHING*. Either way, we can't have Mr. Burton over-extending himself. Things like this result. Don't try to tell me that movie didn't suck.

2. It looks a tad too similar to The Nightmare Before Christmas, which is one of the key films of my childhood. I suppose I could go into detail about that in the future, but I'm not very good with keeping plans on here. If this movie were to somehow tarnish the greatness that is Jack Skellington and his travails, I would never forgive Burton... even though he made that movie too, which makes my vow kind of unreasonable. Refer back to the *.

3. He's dating the person that voices the co-lead of the film (Helena Bonham Carter). As a man of such moral fiber, I find this kind of nepotism abhorrent. At least when it doesn't benefit me.

Don't Cut the Cord

I bet from time to time you sit there in front of the latest Real World episode, political pundit verbal masturbation session or George Foreman Grill infomercial and think "Hey, why the hell am I paying for this crap? All I watch is The OC and Desperate Housewives anyway."

Well for one thing, nobody watches Desperate Housewives. I know it gets huge ratings and media attention, but nobody watches it. Seriously. If you think you watched it you are mistaken. You were trying to watch Family Guy and hit the wrong button... things happen. Secondly, you're really wrong. Yeah, most of cable TV is absolute garbage. Even the "good channels" have gone to crap lately. TLC? Home design 24/7. When I was younger I used to dream of being a doctor as I watched people get knee replacements on The Learning Channel... if I were growing up now I would strive to be an interior decorator or something. Maybe not. The same thing goes for The History Channel. There was a time when that station was actually informative. Now they show "Secret UFO Files" every night. Bad times.

So really, to this point I have presented nothing positive about cable TV... but I will. A little over a week ago I left home to return to college. College without cable TV (don't ask). Not only can I no longer follow perhaps the greatest Real World cast members of the PTE (Post-Teck Era), but I can't get my 20 minutes of Red Sox/Yankees coverage on Sportscenter every night. Do you realize how terrible this is??!?! I have to follow the pinstripes through the Sportsline.com gamewatch thing. It sucks!


To top this all off, I can't get UPN here through the antenna we have hooked up to the TV in my room. UPN man! I am missing out on so much mediocre urban comedy. I also can't watch "Everybody Hates Chris", which actually is upsetting.

Proof - Filmless Review

Proof stars Gwyneth Paltrow, Jake Gyllenhall and (Sir) Anthony Hopkins. It is the story of a daughter (Gwynnie) and her mathematical genius father (Sir) who is becoming increasingly less predictable with age. One of the genius guy's former students (Bubble Boy) comes around and wants to see stored notebooks of work by his teacher, and along the way tries to boogie-down with his caretaker/offspring... CLASSY.

You know what else is classy? Coldplay. Why are they classy? Because they're British; but also because they make classy music. Classy music like "Yellow" (Walking on a beach in the rain professing your love for someone? CLASSY!), "Clocks" (Piano solo intro? CLASSY!), "The Scientist" (Regret over a ruined relationship? CLASSY!), "Fix You" (Organs or whatever that crap is in the opening? CLASSY!) and "Speed of Sound" (Almost identical to the classy "Clocks"? CLASSY!). Coincidentally, the classy lead singer of that classy ensemble is married the star of this very film. I mean, being married to Gwyneth Paltrow is undeniably classy; even if she did do that movie where she wore a fatsuit and dated Jack Black. She won an Oscar for a movie about William Shakespeare for crying out loud! How classy does it get? Well, this guy... but still.

And to top all of this classiness off; these two had a kid a while back and named it Apple. In truth, this is not very classy at all. I mean, there is nothing redeeming about giving your kids silly names. I can understand if you're doing the Jr/II/III/etc. thing or if you are of an ancestry that you wish to convey (not that I would care to do that, but keep on keeping on) but none of this applies to "Apple". That's just putting your kid through unneeded hardship. It's tough enough to have absurdly famous parents and financial security from birth, but...

Wait a minute.

And finally... classy, classy, classy, classy. That makes it twenty.

Oh, this movie isn't that good. Seems kind of like it tries too hard to be classy. 21!

The Man - Filmless Review

No summer movie season is truly complete without a good two hours of Samuel L. Jackson yelling. He was in Star Wars Episode III, but Mace Windu is too reserved. I need my SLJ fix, and that galaxy far, far away didn't provide it. Here to rectify things is "The Man". In this cinematic monstrosity, Jackson is a federal agent that is forced to work with Joe Everyman (Eugene Levy) when some kind of mistaken identity thing goes down. The trailers have been pretty lame; although I think the poster is ok. You know how these movies go; except this time, the black-white buddy-cop thing is even worse than usual, as "The Man" is currently garnering a 0% Fresh rating at Rotten Tomatoes. That's impressive in its own way.

Samuel L. Jackson movies tend to fall into two categories. The occasional "I'm a serious actor with a broad range... watch me whisper and be pensive" movies, and the much more common "WHITE PEOPLE MAKE ME ANGRY" movies. The question in my mind became, "Are there movies about SLJ yelling at other races?". To IMDB I went.

I decided that I should start out discussing the SLJ movies that I've actually seen, before delving into full-blown conjecture. Let's begin:

Jurassic Park - Security guy at dinosaur amusement park that yells at white people.

Pulp Fiction - Charismatic hit man that yells at white people.

The Great White Hype - Flamboyant boxing promoter that yells at white people.

A Time to Kill - Distraught father that takes the law into his own hands while he yells at white people.

The Negotiator - Double-crossed cop that yells at white people.

Star Wars Episode I - Mace Windu. Little to no yelling at white people.

Deep Blue Sea - Billionaire philanthropist that yells at white people.

Shaft - Come on... HE'S SHAFT!

Changing Lanes - Screwed over regular guy that yells at white people.

Star Wars Episode II - Mace Windu again... Yawn.

Basic - Army sergeant that yells at white people.

Coach Carter - High school basketball coach that yells at black people.

I thought there may have had a disturbing trend going until I hit that last one. To be fair (As if I care), he was in "Unbreakable" and did very little yelling. I could go into a big thing about Hollywood typecasting and the repetition of cliched characters in studio films... But again, I don't really care. Watching Samuel L. Jackson yell at people is entertaining, I just think he should broaden his yelling horizons. Does he yell at people in "The Man"? Probably; but it stinks really bad either way.

Jessica Alba Should Learn How To Act At Some Point

Jessica Alba is really attractive. I'm aware of this. I'm also aware of the fact that she is one of the worst actresses to ever get consistent film work in the history of mainstream motion pictures (And in all likelihood there are a number of porn stars out there that could have done a better job with Dark Angel... that show was really bad). It has gotten to the point where she seems to have given up on herself. Her last three roles have been as a hip-hop dancer in Honey, the cowgirl stripper in Sin City, and the Invisible Woman in Fantastic Four; And next up is a star-turn as half-naked beach lady in Into the Blue. The Playboy shoot draws near.

A lot of people couldn't care less whether Jessica Alba even had dialogue; as long as some of her clothing is removed over the course of the 90 minutes. That's cool, but I need a dash of substance to be incorporated somewhere. She's not even very good at things like presenting B-level awards (her cue card reading is painful) or hosting crappy cable-network compilation shows. In a way, she is very reminiscent of Jennifer Love Hewitt; with the differences being that Hewitt's mediocre acting skills dwarf Alba's and that her work on "VH1's Top 100 Love Songs" was awe-inspiring. Ms. Alba needs to make a life decision; either dedicate herself to becoming a passable thespian (ACTING CLASSES?) or start looking into things like that Wheel of Fortune letter-turning gig where she isn't forced to open her mouth.

Underclassman - A Filmless Review

Nicholas Scott Cannon.

A few years ago, when I first saw that "Your Pops Don't Like Me" video on MTV, it dawned on me that I had possibly missed something in regard to this Nick Cannon character. I had heard of the guy, but through some strange twist of fate (some would call it "aging") my Nickelodeon watching ceased JUST in time to have never seen Nick Cannon actually perform on a television show. Not even on "All That". As a result, I can't really give an opinion on his work there; outside of the fact that it allowed that horrendous song to be written, produced and piped into my ears... which means that I hated it (Although I must admit that the song he made with R. Kelly was pretty good; not that I can remember anything he said in it). I can't neglect to mention that pro-life song, Can I Live, that he put out recently with Anthony Hamilton. Something about thanking your mom for not aborting you nearly 30 years ago is kind of... weird? And the children's choir that joins in really puts it over the top. This is a "movie review", right? So I should probably get to that.

Ok, ok, sorry. But I've got to talk about his new show on MTV. To start with it's called "Wild 'N Out"; I guess in an attempt to sound urban and edgy. Here's the thing... the phrase they were shooting for is more like "Wildin' Out" or even "Wyling Out". "Wild 'N Out" is more like a late night program on Logo. (As of right now, that link doesn't make the reference obvious enough... people will figure it out) I'm gonna give him a pass on this though; that's probably more of a problem with stupid MTV executives than Nick Cannon failing miserably at trying to be "down". His lack of "down" comes through more in the actual content of the show. Some genius decided that this thing needed to be as urban as possible; complete with bad lighting, faux-brick set pieces, and a variation of this as one of the standard segments. The grand finale every week, I guess you would call it a battle rap relay, is always of extraordinarily high caliber because we all know that stand-up comedians and professional choreographers are so good at that sort of thing. It has its moments, primarily because of the guests that drop by being so bad at everything (Christina Milian is on the Alba Plan) but all in all it's not so good.

Now about that movie... Nick Cannon and his ridiculous moustache (pictured) play a detective going undercover as a student at a private high school to investigate a murder. The whole black comedian as a cop thing is very fresh and original, so I must give credit there. This isn't a dumb idea for a movie so much as a lame one. Judging by the fact that I don't remember seeing any commercials for it, and that it's a teen action-comedy releasing on September 2nd; this movie's assiness is guaranteed.


Next Week's Filmless Review: "THE MAN" STARRING SAMUEL L. JACKSON AND EUGENE LEVY. AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!!! ENGLISH MOTHER****ER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!?!?

2005 MTV VMAs

Don't Give Me That Look



Well; I watched all of it. Did I enjoy all of it? Hell no, but I tried to stick it out and deal with even the worst of the garbage. This "award" show was broadcast from beautiful Miami, Florida and hosted by Sean "Puffy, Puff Daddy, P.Diddy, Diddy" Combs. No, I don't know why. I'm not going to give any kind of chronological breakdown, because that would be annoying; instead I'm gonna talk about everything categorically:

Hosting - No, just no. Look, I like Diddy more than most people, but this is not his thing. His delivery stunk, his improvisational (or the things that I have to assume were improvised) stuff wasn't funny, and the prepared bits all bombed. His dancing, while apparently not intentionally, were the funniest parts of his act.

The Awards - I find that a lot of people get a little... "confused" with the VMAs. Even though they are the VIDEO Music Awards, people seem to enjoy talking about how bad the winners are musically in comparison to everyone else. The VIDEOS are being commended, not the songs. That said, the winners sucked.

Green Day took most of the awards; with various videos from their "American Idiot" album. I wasn't a huge fan of the album, so the constant drone from the media about how good it was is tiring. I think they were actually getting awarded for "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" most of the time. It was a good video, but I felt like there were better choices out there.

Kelly Clarkson won 2 or 3 times, which was strange since everyone watching (including the audience and HER) expected her Moonman haul on this night to be somewhere around zero. I have never really seen the video she won for ("Since You've Been Gone"), but I had heard about previously and just assumed it was crap. I could have been mistaken, but probably not.

Personally, I thought the best videos this year that I saw were Kanye West's "Jesus Walks" and My Chemical Romance's "Helena". In hindsight, the "Jesus Walks" video isn't really THAT good, but it tried really, really hard to be. That should count for something. "Helena" on the other hand was legitimately good; excellent choreography, some semblance of a story, the required number of performance shots, etc. Can you really get better than a zombie ballerina? Didn't think so.


Performances - The bread and butter; since these awards don't mean much of anything. I'll go one-by-one.

Green Day "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" - They might have been lipsyncing, but if they were, it wasn't obvious to say so definitively. This was a straightforward performance, and they sounded pretty good. The pyro was nice I guess. 7/10

Ludacris "Pimpin All Over The World" - They tried to "class it up" a little with some piano, I guess it was a nice touch. Went a little nuts on dancers and breakdowns and garbage like that. Ludacris also fell prey to the "I need to have some member of my posse up here ruining my performance" thing. 6/10

MC Hammer "Can't Touch This (remix???)" - This wasn't really a full performance; but I needed to mention it because it was HI-LARIOUS. They tried to freshen the song up or something, but they just made it like 57x worse. He must be hurting for money.

Shakira "Spanish Song Title That I Don't Know Off Hand" - This was actually pretty good; even that guy that does the song with her whose name I don't know. her dance moves are questionable, but she can sing and on the looks front... well, yeah. 8.5/10

R. Kelly "Trapped In The Closet" - This performance consisted of R. Kelly lipsyncing and acting out the parts of every character. It sounds like a terrible idea, but he seemed to have put some effort into it. You haven't lived until you've seen R. Kelly switch back and forth between playing himself, a woman, that woman's husband, and that husband's gay lover within a matter of seconds. 8/10

The Killers "Mr. Brightside" - This performance was done at some area hotel I think. It wasn't so hot. Brandon Flowers (the lead singer) may have "enjoyed" Miami a little to much the night before. More importantly, he was wearing a white suit jacket on top of a black V-neck t-shirt. Bad times. 5/10

P. Diddy, an orchestra, Dead 90s Rapper #2, Snoop Dogg "Don't Know What To Call This" - Literally SECONDS before this started, I said to myself "Shouldn't Diddy have started fellating Notorious BIG by now?" Well what do ya know... This was a good performance. "Juicy" was in there, along with other stuff; all done over a full orchestra. 8/10

Generic Reggaeton Artists "Reaggaton Is Terrible" - Daddy Yankee (I only know this guy's names because Jorge Posada has the song played before all of his at-bats at Yankee Stadium) and some other dudes did excerpts of their terrible songs. Horrible. But wait! While introducing this act, Fat Joe made a little remark towards 50 Cent; joking about the massive security force that he travels with. MORE ON THAT LATER. 2/10 for the music, 14/10 for Fat Joe provoking 50 Cent

Coldplay "Speed of Sound" - One of my favorites; but they really sounded like crap. I don't know what happened. Not much more to say. 5/10

Kanye West f/ Jamie Foxx "Gold Digger" - Best performance of the night, hands down. I was really shocked to head Jamie Foxx sing this strongly. Getting the crowd to chant "We need prenup!" deserves a ribbon or something. 9.5/10

Mariah Carey "Two Songs That I Hate" - I really, really dislike Mariah Carey; so much so that there's not even a point to discussing my feelings on her performance because I'm going to say that it sucked either way. Sucked/10 (But seriously, it was bad)

50 Cent f/ Tony Yayo "Candy Shop, Outta Control, So Seductive" - This stunk until Tony Yayo joined in did the Yayo things that are entertaining, like his ridiculous "shake my hand in front of my face really fast" dance. The real story here was the profanity-laced tirade directed at Fat Joe that they went into at the conclusion of the song. Most of it was censored, but I did make out "Fat Joe is pussy". 8/10 just for that.

My Chemical Romance "Helena" - They didn't sound too great live. Watching the zombie ballerina woman dance on stage wasn't as impressive as it is in the video. At the end the singer yelled "This is you grandma" nice moment. 7/10

Kelly Clarkson "Since You Been Gone" - I really didn't understand why she was closing a show of this magnitude (this spot is usually reserved for BIG TIME people) but she did well with it. She was getting drenched with water towards the end for some reason. Basically she went nuts for 6 minutes. 8.5/10



And that's that. The show wasn't very good overall, but there were some bright spots along the way. MOVE THE SHOW TO NYC/LA, NOW.

The NFL Ruined American Pro Sports

There's a slight possibility that the 1-2 punch of Super Bowl 35 (Referees stole that game) and THIS DISASTER did irreparable damage to my pro football fandom; but I'd like to think that I'm not that fickle. It's just that I have recently found myself to be less and less interested in the NFL. At the same time I'm just as, if not more so of a college football fan (Go Irish!?!?!), so it isn't an issue with the sport itself; it's an issue with the National Football League.

You're probably thinking I'm going to go into a rant about Terrell Owens being greedy (don't care), Chad Johnson showboating (I'm all for it), or Randy Moss publicizing his marijuana use (duh); but that isn't what this is about. I am fed up with the "Salary Cap Era". I remember a day when my team's draft picks were allowed to grow and develop into contributing members of a successful franchise and then actually STAY with that team until they decide that it's time to hang up the pads. Unless you're an absolute superstar, the chances of that happening in today's NFL are next to nil. I remember way back in 1994 (when I was first getting into pro football) seeing the headlines about the departure of Phil Simms from my hometown New York Giants. I didn't understand it back then; but Phil Simms, a Super Bowl winner, was forced into retirement for salary cap reasons. It certainly wasn't an issue of diminishing skills... in fact, Simms' 1993 was arguably the best regular season of his career. I also got to see the same thing happen to Jesse Armstead and Jason Sehorn in later years. These guys were all still contributing, wildly popular, and big presences in the community (well, it's New York; so as big of a presence as a pro athlete can be). They were dumped solely to get under the NFL's Salary Cap. This kind of thing isn't getting any better as the years go by either. Just this season, established, veteran players like Peter Boulware, Ike Hilliard, Darren Sharper, and Ty Law all changed teams NOT because their former squads had no use for them; but because they had to get under the cap.

So how exactly is the NFL ruining pro sports? Well, this system that they have set up (the one where connections between players and fans is nonexistent and the overall quality of play falls every season) is also incredibly successful for the owners of the franchises. NFL teams make A LOT of money EVERY season regardless of the team's on-field performance. This is all thanks to the utter failure that is the NFL Players Association (these guys can get cut at any time, for any reason and their contracts mean jack... and people wonder why players holdout for guaranteed money) and the massive media contracts that the NFL is able to wrangle out of ESPN/FOX/CBS/NBC. Everyone makes money and interest has never been higher... right? What's not to love? For the owners of franchises; nothing. For the fans; a lot. There are some things in play here that people enjoy overlooking:

1. NFL teams play once a week. Going on and on about NFL ratings in comparison to those of the NBA, NHL and MLB is a joke. How would you expect interest on a game-by-game basis in a sport where 8-9 wins gets you into the playoffs to ones where 44 and 90 are necessary? That's just reality; and as a result, the NFL is going to be able to demand far more in media contracts. A salary cap didn't magically make NBA Finals games pull 45 Nielsens; it won't do so for the Stanley Cup Finals, and it wouldn't for the World Series.

2. The NFL's dirty little (not so) secret is that interest in the sport is derived so greatly from gambling. You think injury reports are out there for the service of the casual fan? HA. They're in the newspapers all week to serve the needs of the bettor. Real fans aren't going to decide to "skip this one because Brady is Questionable"... but I WILL think twice about laying 6pts on the road with a banged-up signal caller. A salary cap doesn't make a sport any more inviting to Vegas. That comes from being a weekly affair rather than a daily one.

3. "Parity is great for the fans". Really? First of all, the term "parity" in relation to the NFL needs to be clarified. The playing field has certainly leveled-- because all the teams suck. I'm not even that old and I can pull the "I remember the good old days" thing. The 90s NFL Dynasties (Cowboys, Broncos... and kinda-sorta the Bills, Niners and Packers) were all FAR superior to the teams of today, with the possible exception of the two most recent New England championship teams (and that's why they kick everyone's ass). One-sided monsters like the Ravens, Bucs and Rams of recent history were not of the same caliber as those complete teams fielded in Denver and Dallas. I'm a Giants fan and I know that their most recent Super Bowl team was nothing special. The same thing is starting to bear its teeth in the other salary cap sport (NBA), as witnessed over the past two seasons with Detroit winning (come on... they were good, but not "defeat the team with two of the top 5 players of all time" good) and the quick turnarounds in Phoenix and Seattle last season. Franchises in Salary Capped leagues are incapable of putting together both star players and capable role-players (at least ones not based in New England or San Antonio). The NHL shut down for a full season to get their own salary cap... Do I really need to see both an extended hiatus and the end of ACTUAL great teams in Major League Baseball too? No.

Maybe this is the Yankee fan in me speaking; but:

I don't care if you think your team can't compete; they can. The Marlins won a championship with no fans and moderate payroll, the Twins and A's compete every season with low payrolls, and the defending Stanley Cup Champion Tampa Bay Lightning were in the bottom third of the league in that department... along with their finals opponent Calgary Flames.

I don't care whether billionaire owners make money on their teams.

You realize that owners aren't FORCED to push salaries to levels that they can't handle, right? They need to stop running their teams like 4 year olds that got into the cookie jar.

Google Talk: The 3rd Horseman of the Googlepocalypse

Google Talk

First there was Google Maps, with the eerie "this was taken in broad daylight yet there isn't a person to be found" thing, then there was Google Desktop where they indexed your entire hard drive and mysteriously needed an internet connection to operate at full capacity (even though they "aren't doing anything with the info they collect"), and now they're jumping with instant messaging... and the big selling point is voice chat!

The last thing I need is people seeing me online and trying to bombard me with voice messages that weren't even worthy of a phone call. I was also unaware of the great telephony collapse of ought-three. The primary appeal of Instant Messaging is the ability to communicate with multiple people simultaneously. This proliferation of voice chat is a bad thing. I can't voice chat with more than one person, and I don't know if you've ever tried to IM people while on the phone, buuuut it doesn't go too well. IM also allows you to carry on conversations even when you have absolutely nothing to talk about. Just drop some links, and BOOM, discussion sparked. I CAN'T DROP LINKS IN A VERBAL CONVERSATION. In the end, I see this becoming an elaborate music piracy tool... but don't tell anyone I said that.


As much as I hate Wikipedia, at least it's loosening Google's grip on the human race a little bit. How about getting this website fully indexed first... huh? HUH?!?!?!

The Brothers Grimm - Much Like the Prospects of Me Seeing This Movie! A Filmless Review

*rimshot*

We all are familiar with the Brothers Grimm; Little Red Riding Hood, Snow White, Hansel and Gretel, Rapunzel... the list goes on and on. But did you know that they are also the lead characters in a Hollywood blockbuster staring Matt "Will Hunting/Jason Bourne" Damon and Heath "Ladies love me and I share my name with a mediocre candy bar" Ledger? The commercials are annoying and the plot synopses that I have read are so convoluted and asinine that I can't be bothered with trying to actually unravel that web of idiocy. I've gathered that the Grimm Brothers, Wilhelm and Jakob (but for the purposes of this supercool flick, Will and Jake!) make ends meet by convincing presumably ignorant townsfolk that supernatural creatures are running amok and can only be dealt with by employing their services. Apparently the scheme gets exposed at some point and they end up having to deal with "real" supernatural creatures. I would write this off as a stupid kids movie, except it's PG-13; so I'm forced to write it off as simply a stupid movie.

This is almost as stupid as Stealth... but at least Stealth didn't involve real people being thrown into a fantasy plot, so this might even be worse.

As I alluded to earlier, this film is reminding me how non-existent Heath Ledger's career is. I know he was in The Patriot with Mel Gibson, and Ned Kelly (which is apparently a good movie; not that I saw it), but... what else? I figured I was forgetting some things about him, so I went to his IMDB page. Turns out I'm not forgetting anything-- unless you consider "10 Things I Hate About You" to be something. He strikes me as a male Jessica Alba, where the stardom far exceeds the production. Of course, comparing Heath Ledger to Jessica Alba isn't entirely fair-- since she's pretty much the worst actress ever.

I suppose that this crap cloud's silver lining is that Monica Bellucci is in it. Two problems. One, I can only post one picture per post (not really, but I don't care enough to go through the procedure required), two, even if I were considering putting a picture up, "Monica Bellucci" and "tasteful picture on Google image search" seem to be mutually exclusive; and three, she didn't de-suck those Matrix sequels... so why would I expect her to save this piece of garbage? She's that person between Ledger and Damon in the poster anyway-- if you get a magnifying glass or something you can see her better.



Next Week's Filmless Review: "Underclassman" with Nick Cannon. Oh Yeah.

The 40 Year Old Virgin Scores

The 40 Year Old Virgin has been getting outstanding reviews (89% Fresh at Rotten Tomatoes) and managed to overcome its horrible, horrible title; coming in first at the box office this weekend (~20million). This only leads me to believe that this movie could have pulled 25-30 with a decent name... and Carrell still has to deal with being known for his 40 Year Old Virgin for the rest of his career (I guess he could do some kind of action or dramatic role to "cleanse the palette", but I don't see that happening for him any time soon).

Finally, considering that its big competition next week is going to be that Brothers Grimm monstrosity; 40 Year Old Virgin has a fair chance of racking up consecutive victories. Then again, The Force* is strong with Matt Damon and Heath Ledger.



* - "The Force" being the teenage female audience that runs mainstream media.

Everyone's Favorite Peruvian Deferred Columbia Grad Student Named Johanna

I just really wanted to use that title. It's so good that I will probably make several posts in the future of the same name. You'll deal. Also, this post contains some spoilers for the rest of Real World: Austin... even if they are kind of obvious and easily found on MTV's website. Once again, you'll deal.

If you watch The Real World, you've noticed how Wes (the frat guy) has been enamored with Johanna (everyone's favorite Peruvian deferred Columbia grad student named Johanna) since day 1. You've also noticed that EFPDCGSNJ is fully aware of this fact, and has had a grand old time playing along with it. On the latest RW, Wes had the great idea to "make Johanna jealous" by bringing a random RW groupie home and sleeping with her; because that works (???). This is not to say that plucking the jealousy strings doesn't work-- but I don't know if its effectiveness stands up once penetration is achieved. I'm gonna go with "That's a tad bit too far".

Ok, spoiler time.those that don't want to know should scroll down to the bolded text

A Columbo-esque scan of MTV.com's Real World content, namely the MTV.com member profiles of Wes and EFPDCGSNJ turned up some interesting info. In the "keywords" section of those pages you'll see "Wes kissing hella slow" in Johanna's and "Johanna. Kissing hella fast!" in Wes'. There are some conclusions to be drawn here.

1. Some MTV employee, probably several, and likely every single one of them, is an idiot for allowing this to be on the website. This thing is one click away once you access the Real World section. That's just stupid. I can fully understand Fratty McFraterson and Johanna having no problem with ruining plot secrets; but MTV should care... not that I'm going to stop watching.

2. Wes is from Kansas and typed out the word "hella". That is California lingo if I've even seen it, and this guy is from about as far away from California as possible without a traveling over some major body of water. Conveniently, EFPDCGSNJ is from... RIVERSIDE, CA. As any frat brother worth his salt would say; "wha-chish". I'm aware that Wes goes to Arizona State, which is populated by a good amount of Californians-- making it quite reasonable that he would pick up such catchy slang as "hella"; but that explanation isn't entertaining at all.





LACEY HOOKS UP WITH NEHEMIAH

The 40 Year Old Virgin Suicides

Steve Carrell is a funny, funny man; from his work as a correspondent on "The Daily Show", to his work in "Anchorman" as Brick Tamland,and even the Americanized "The Office" that lasted on NBC for about 3 weeks. In fact, to celebrate Carrell's contribution to the history of the motion picture; I will post his introductory quote from Anchorman:

"I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I'm polite and I'm rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an IQ of 48 and am what some people call 'mentally retarded.'"

Fantastic. The inevitable debut of Steve Carrell as a Hollywood leading man is finally upon us, but strangely I'm not overly excited. Why? Well, let's just say that the evil marketing people that I spoke of in a previous post probably should have had more input on this one. I think a simple glance at the movie poster (provided above) makes the problem sufficiently known. I have a number of issues here:

1. I have to go up to a ticket booth and say "One for 40 Year Old Virgin". That just feels stupid. This might be the most order-unfriendly movie name ever. What other options are out there? I guess you could say "One for Virgin", but that's probably worse. "One for 40 Year Old" would probably work, but that is so obviously an attempt work around the actual name of the movie. I'm really not seeing a good solution outside of getting other people to buy your tickets for you; or sneaking in, which is illegal and NOT endorsed by this fine and upstanding blog. The Carrell-aholics, as they prefer to be called (according to me 7 seconds ago) are just going to have to deal with it.

2. Let's take a trip to Hypothetical Land, where this movie's unfortunate title doesn't cripple it at the box office and drive Universal Pictures out of business... How will being typecast as The 40 Year Old Virgin serve Mr. Carrell? You may say "Hey, Jim Carrey got past Ace Ventura", to which I would respond "Yeah, but it took several years, and even Ace Ventura didn't have this dopey of a grin on his face in advertising materials".

3. I don't really have a #3, so I'll just go with THIS MOVIE IS TITLED "FORTY YEAR OLD VIRGIN". I'm gonna see it anyway, but this should be stowed away for future reference.

Mighty Morphin Breaking News

First of all; let's have a hand for VH1's "Kept" taking the crown as most-discussed topic on this blog. How this happened, who knows. This third entry has arisen because it just struck me that there was a little throwaway line one episode about one of the Wonder Twins (Ricardo and Slavco) having been Power Ranger in the past. Thanks to the magic of the internets, I was able to investigate. As you can see from the picture above, this investigation produced results. Ricardo Medina Jr. played Cole Evans (RED RANGER) on Power Rangers Wild Force.

This effort raised a number of issues. One, HOW MANY DIFFERENT INCARNATIONS OF POWER RANGERS ARE THERE?!?! Wow. From what I can tell here, there have been 13 seasons of the show; and ELEVEN different versions of Rangers. Lightspeed? Dino Thunder? What the hell? Second; while I already knew that the original Power Rangers shows consisted of American actors combined with fighting footage from an older Japanese show, I didn't know that the fighting sequences were from 1975. I feel like my world is falling apart. On top of that, I also learned that the Japanese series only had one female in the original lineup... meaning that the Yellow Ranger that you saw doing all the sloppily choreographed martial arts WAS A GUY. Trini (who died in a car accident a few years ago) was obviously a female, but the one doing all the fighting? 100% dude.

Back to Ricardo. I cannot believe that this guy was working in children's television. This show doesn't try to seem "educational" or anything (I do seem to remember a minor environmentalism push), but if dirtbags like this can reach our children on a weekly basis -- let's just say that I fear for the future. This guy was narcissistic, rude, dumb and made some "interesting" comments in regard to race. I disliked him slightly more than the other Wonder Twin... which says a lot.

Real World Austin: I'm a Believer (Part 1)

I probably say this every season, but this year's Real World has been the best in a looooong time; if not ever. (No, wait -- what am I saying? Philadelphia was horrendous. That was a dud from day one... definitely never called that the best of anything.)

I. Melinda dumping "The One" in about 14 hours

It is scientific fact that you probably shouldn't even audition for Real World if you're in a "serious relationship"; let alone attempt to maintain that relationship once you get into the house. Guess what Melinda tried to do! Seriously -- do these people get cable? You can't tell me that Melinda OR her boyfriend (his name was definitely revealed on the show... But did I really care? No. Why? Because I knew he wouldn't matter for more than 4-5 episodes) thought they were gonna stick it out for 3 months; especially with her nymphomaniacal tendencies. This is the woman that was once seen in her casting tape screaming "I NEED ASS" and then going on to streak across a Wisconsin beach in broad daylight. That said; Melinda must have broken some kind of record this season. MTV makes a point of giving the viewer zero ability to determine how much "real time" has elapsed; but as far as I could tell, Melinda had punted "her soulmate" at about the 2:24 mark of Episode 1. I don't know whether to laugh, or to be disgusted. I guess Danny is just that damn good.

II. Danny breaking his face ON THE SECOND NIGHT IN AUSTIN

Everyone's favorite Peruvian deferred Columbia grad student named Johanna got a little "wild" on the first night (I seem to remember dancing on bars, bodyshots, random kissing -- all that good stuff), so she enlisted Nehemiah to watch out and make sure that she wouldn't do anything too crazy during her drunken blackouts. Of course, she gets epically drunk the next night and ends up trying to physically fight Nehemiah. Lucky for us; he decided to just leave the premises (some Austin club) ASAP. Danny and Wes (just as, if not more drunk than Johanna themselves) freak out when they hear about Nehemiah's escape, and proceed to crawl the streets of Austin asking "Have you seen a black guy?". I think I should repeat that one; but with style: They proceed to crawl the streets of Austin asking all within earshot, "Have you seen a black guy?" While carrying out this journey of stupidity, Danny runs across the wrong intoxicated frat boy and gets his orbital bone pulverized. Somehow he ends up blaming Nehemiah for this, drunkenly yells at him a bit, and has it all blown out of proportion by the good folks at MTV. Well, his eyes getting blown out of proportion kinda took care of itself, but the producers created the nehemiah thing. I'll get back to that in Part 2 (which may or may not ever be written)

Part 2 Coming When/If I Feel Like It...

A Followup Post for the Ages

In an update to this post, the show that I discussed with Jerry Hall picking out which contestant to play Sugar Mommy to has run its course. Surprisingly, (as indicated by this quote: "If you haven't gathered this already; Seth's time on the show is likely to be wrapping up shortly, so you might want to start watching it about two weeks ago.") not only did the Wonder Twins get eliminated; but our man Seth actually pulled this thing out! Being a goofball and openly mocking the ridiculousness of the show's premise worked. This is akin to someone on The Real World opening up the season with an admission that he would be acting completely fake for the next 3 months. I have to say that this trend of Massachusetts winning every and anything possible (Well, not basketball... but the Celtics are just really, really bad; and uhh that Kerry dude) is getting on my nerves. By the way, did I see the runner-up crying at the end? Whatever scrunched-up face thing he was doing was definitely close to it.