Spider-Man 3 Teaser

Also old.


I didn't beat you over the head with Superman Returns, so here's another go... but I'll start wayyyyyy earlier this time. Very exciting.

What the Hell Happened to Rap Music?

Ever since I got to college, my music intake has changed drastically. No longer could I envelope myself in the sweet hum of MTV, or take the time out to listen to the radio (not that I ever did anyway).

As a result, I find myself comically out of touch with the modern music industry. You know that hot new thing on the Billboard charts? I don't. It's that simple.

So while I was "discovering" the greatest of whatever the people on campus decided to share through iTunes, things were apparently happening on the outside world. Namely, rap music was sucking epically.

Now supposedly we're going to see new releases from sure things like The Roots "Game Theory", Nas "Hip Hop Is Dead" and Outkast "Idlewild" very shortly-- and that's all well and good... but where is the fresh blood? I don't mean random new dudes with a record deal, I'm talking new artists of quality. Not since Kanye and Late Registration have I even considered getting a new rap album. WTF guy? WTF?

Can someone do something about this? This is where 80s Baby would come in, but he has abandoned this venture.

Pirates of the Carribean 2: Dead Man's Chest

I saw this one on opening night, so this update is a bit late. Shut it.

I must say, while I did not dislike this film, I was a bit disappointed. For one thing, I feel like I could have used a refresher on POTC1 before going into the theater. Is it my fault that I couldn't immediately identify returning characters or instantly break down the connections being made on screen? Yeah, probs... so what? Shouldn't a movie-- even a sequel like this one-- be able to stand on its own two feet? Far too often, POTC2 asked the audience to bring everything together on their own. Maybe I'm just lazy.

Johnny Depp is really great as Captain Jack Sparrow, but that is to be expected. He does his thing, you watch, we all leave happy. Orlando Bloom could be doing more, but the expectations aren't really there. Keira Knightley isn't on screen very often, but she gets the job done when she's there. I could have used more screen time, regardless of what she was going to say.

Let me also note that the (I guess) Jamaican guy that appeared for one scene was completely incomprehensible and took me out of the moment. This was a pretty random cut to start with, and then when I was hit in the face with the Queen's Patois, I just about wet myself. Fix that on the DVD.


All in all, a solid lead in to POTC3, coming next year. It's a bit cheap to make an entire movie that serves simply as the bridge between the first and third installments of a trilogy, but this is Hollywood '06 baby!

Superman Returns

Well, I flooded this blog with Superman Returns posts a while back... and dammit, it paid off.

I saw this one, a practice that is becoming increasingly common (the joys of summer), and was throughly impressed. I didn't want to lead on, but I was a bit concerned about how this film would turn out. Bryan Singer has been nothing but capable in his past work, but the Kent/Kal-El of this quasi-sequel to Superman II concerned me. Brandon Routh? Who?

Superman... that's who. I don't want to gush, but he fills the boots left behind by the late Christopher Reeve ably. In fact, he fills them more than ably. Though I cannot say that he brought anything inventive or new to the work, he plays the role one would expect to a T. He is awkward and bumbling as Kent, yet gracefully powerful as the Man of Steel. The action is spectacular, with the flying CG working at an almost disturbingly high level. Routh soars, and it all feels possible, if not believable.

Kevin Spacey (Lex Luthor) and Parker Posey (Kitty Kowalski) turn in the kind of scenery-chewing performances required to accent this film that can be best described as "grand". Mountains rise, airplanes plummet, and globes fall, all to be addressed by the man in tights. One of my lone complaints is barely one, as the sight of Kal "Kumar" Penn as a Luthor henchman is offputting-- doubly so when he makes his move upon the hero.

in the pantheon of superhero films, this one stands tall, eclisping the increasingly overrated Batman Begins, but falling just short of the celluloid brilliance of Spiderman 2. See it, see it now. As the taglines say, you will believe that a man can fly.

X-Men 3

I really enjoyed this one. Now, some people, including some of those I saw this with, will have a problem with the liberties taken with the storyline to put together a film version that works. I've always felt that film adaptations are meant to be interpretations of the soure material, rather than a blow-by-blow reenactment. In that sense, I had little problem with what went down here. Shock? At times, yes. Resentment or anger? No.

However, I don't want to give the impression that I would agree with just anything. I've heard stories about early drafts of the new Superman movies that involved radical changes to the costume and his powers. I don't even like Superman (I guess you wouldn't pick that up from the 19 posts I've made about the new movie), but I would have had a problem dealing with that. Deviation from the canon is fine, i.e. Spiderman having organic webbing, but I don't want to see him flying and shooting fireballs or something stupid like that.

This is apparently the biggest movie ever, so you'll probably have your own views on what happened. I don't want to spoil the plot, so let's just say that it was "eventful". There was less attention paid to developing the story than in 1 and 2, but this is just something that we had to expect from Brett Ratner. He can blow things up well, and construct the huge, sweeping, epic scene... but don't ask the man to flesh-out a character.

It also felt like it could have been longer, which is a RARE feeling to leave a theater with. Word on the internets is that a lot of footage was cut from the final version, including a lot of character development- especially around Collusus. Director's Cut DVD anyone?


Rating: 8/10

In Other News... She Punches Like A Girl

But boy does she do it in style! I'm sure everyone and their sociopathic mom has seen this piece of video before... but not like this.

By the way, if you've ever wondered what "punching like a girl" is supposed to mean, take notes now. With proper form, she could have at least taken a few teeth out.






I keep telling myself that I hate this song, but it won't stay dead.

The 80s Were Terrible: #4

The Internets

Imagine being an adolescent in say... 1985. What do you do? Everyone in pro sports is either a coke-head or a 'roid-rager, and the transcendent 1986 Mets team (with coke falling out of their ears) hasn't happened yet. Sports are out.

As previously mentioned, since these are the 80s, all of the music sucks and your clothes are ugly. Two more strikes.

I guess you can go watch some movies; (this is the only cultural area where the 80s can stand up a bit) not that Sixteen Candles and Young John Cusack movies are examples of fine cinema, but at least they weren't bad.

What I'm getting at is that you won't see "facebook stalk that girl in ec class", or "post another incredibly self-indulgent blog entry" pop up on the list of things to do, since there was a distinct lack of internets at this time. What we do know is that the 80s were when the embryonic internets were being developed, so I'm gonna go ahead and blame them for it. Remember, no research happening here.

Some of you may be thinking that the internets are a good thing. They allow you to do things like stalk that girl in ec class that wears her hair to the side in that certain sexy way, you know, the one with the wal... sorry. Umm, I mean, they let you access important information so quickly! And connect to people across the globe that you would never meet otherwise! Two problems:

1. If you need to research for an academic paper, you should probably be going to the library, not sitting on your couch trolling wikipedia in one window while "kitten cannon" runs in another background.

2. Pretty much everyone on the internet is male, white, 13 years old, and from Arizona. Sorry, that's how it is, and all of those "Swedish people" you meet on the internet are just the aforementioned 13 year olds looking for cybersex. You're not breaking any cultural barriers... that is unless you're one of those a-holes that has a thing against Tempe. I SEE YOU.


So I have completely discredited any attempts to credit the internet with anything even remotely positive. The next step is to show that it is actually a detriment to society.

MySpace. If you watch Dateline NBC you know that MySpace consists entirely of two userbases: 1) Delinquent, over-sexed 12 year old girls posting thong pics on their little personal page next to embedded Fall Out Boy videos and 2) 32 year old truckers trying* to have sex with those 12 year old delinquents.

This is seriously the most disturbing thing happening in our society right now. The fact that only Dateline has been brave enough to take on and present this to a national audience sickens me, and leads me to strongly question the integrity of our media today.

I mean, Fall Out Boy sucks really badly.**



* - Not so much "trying" as "doing it with ease on a regular basis"

** - This is a joke, people. Embedded video content that auto-plays when you open a page sucks too.

*** - Pedophilia is very bad.

Haiku Korner Strikes Back

Of all the "features" that run here at the Un (rhyme!), Haiku Korner may be my favorite. Mocking poetry is one of my pastimes, right up there with being souless and alone. These two are probably not related.

This edition of HK comes to you courtesy of the comment bots that hit the site recently:


Comment bot thingys
Your words are so vague, yet keen
Though false, ego thrives

Superman Returns Day

A new one sheet for Superman Returns. More messianic poses, more shiny/greasy hair. I like it!

I explained earlier that I am excited for this movie to an extent that I didn't expect at all. Maybe it's my inner child taking one last gasp... or my hatred of Superman was really a lame form of rebellion that has been tossed aside as I've aged.

Superman Returns... to film promotion

Both the delightfully messianic teaser from last August, and the slightly less cool trailer most recently released.




Needs more allusions to Jesus




That's more like it. HE GAVE US HIS ONLY SON!

Lois Lane Looks Ridiculous

I must admit, I'm pretty darn excited about Superman Returns. I'm not sure why either, because I've always considered the whole Superman thing to be pretty lame. The fact that he's essentially invincible kinda takes the fun out of it for me. As does the utter lameness of his interest in journalism. Puh-leeze.

But let's get down to the objectification of women.

Kate Bosworth has been cast as Lois Lane. Since I'm not a big watcher of teen-girl romantic dramas or surfing movies, I've never seen her act in anything.

However, when I heard about the choice, I figured that she would at least provide some eye candy between shots of Supes being messianic and Kevin Spacey hamming it up with a haircut that no living being could possibly avoid staring at in every scene.

Well, let's just say that Bosworth's move to brunette for this role hasn't done her much good. I'm not going to say she looks bad, but she certainly doesn't look like this:







Wikipedia says she was admitted to Princeton as a 16 year old and continues to defer her entry. Then again, Wikipedia says a lot of things. Maybe the professors in Jersey will teach her not to dye her hair again. OH SNAP!

The DaVinci Code

These things are already reviews of movies that I haven't seen... but in this very special edition of Filmless Review, I write about a movie that I haven't seen based on a book that I owned and never read. You are truly holding the hand of greatness right now.

Aren't we all just a little tired of Tom Hanks? I know he won 7 Best Actors in a row or something, but is it that hard to find another semi-normal, non-threatening guy with decent acting chops? I'm not entirely sure (since I didn't read the book or see the movie... duh) but I'm going to go out on a limb and say he has some romantic contact with Audrey Tautou (the scared young woman next to the creepy old dude in the picture) in this one as well. Considering that Tom is like 73 years old now, that's a little creepy. I'm talking Harrison Ford-Calista Flockhart creepy. I could turn this entry into a thing about double standards in Hollywood and how women are pushed out the second they stop looking Botox-fresh while men hang on for Anthonyhopkinsian periods of time...

But I'm no hero

Anyway, there's a movie to review. The trailers are kind of boring, and the incredibly pale Paul Bettany in makeup meant to make him look like an albino monk is simaltenously hilarious and disturbing. I'm also conditioned to believe that any piece of contemporary literature that sells this well is a steaming pile of crap. At the same time, I need to commend anything that gets large religious institutions to launch attacks on artistic works, because I long for a return to the Crusades. We're getting oh so close people. *fingers crossed*

For that, Da Vinci gets my stamp of approval, in the form of this nauseating piece of artwork:

WE ARE ALL WITNESSES

And now it's a 3-game series.

The Hobo should have known not to pull one of his GuaranSheed™ things on King James:




And where is Gilbert now? Exactly.

The 80s Were Terrible: #5

NWA


No, no, no Mr. Dre... Express YO' Self.



Influential artists... wah, wah, wah. Here's the deal: Does it matter that you're influential when that influence is so poor? NWA did not create "gangsta rap" (I would add something like 'credit for that one goes to...', but God forbid I do research for one of these entries. Oh, what is that? Yeah... keep reading please), but they sure did popularize it.

Much like you, faceless internet person, I enjoy the occasional ode to bustin' caps in hoes and jackin' ice... but I also recognize the fact that we would all probably be better off without it. I could do a whole spiel about how this kind of negative imagery has infected urban culture and the young, largely minority youth that is bred from that culture, creating a vicious cycle of rewarded anti-social behavior that drags down young person after young person...


But I'm No Hero


So I'll say that I would really enjoy it if Kanye West were allowed to make his soft, harmonic rap records and wear tiny jackets in peace. The man gave you half of that awesome Jarhead trailer... can't you let him dress comically? Michael Jackson wore a single white glove and red leather for 10 years and was pretty much the baddest man on the planet.

Sure, years later we learned that he enjoyed the company of young boys in a very special way... but he was cool at the time, dammit.

NWA took our tiny jackets. For that they must pay.

GuaranSheed™

The Hobo was at it again after bearing witness on Saturday night:

"I know we're going to win it," Wallace said sitting on the scorer's table following Sunday practice at Quicken Loans Arena. "We're going to bust their [butt]. Tomorrow night is the last game here in this building for this year."

Wallace has a history of getting zany in the playoffs and running off at the mouth:

"It ain't bulletin board material, it's a fact," he said bluntly. "They can put it on the bulletin board. They can put it on a video. I don't care. I know what we're capable of doing, that's all that it is."

Of course, his buddies had to stand up for him in a show of faux unity:

"You have to go out there and play even harder and get a win for him," Richard Hamilton said. "We have to have his back, do what we do, and get a win."

But here is where things get interesting:

"There's only one team out there, two teams tops, that can really give us that good challenge that it's like, 'All right, we know we can't make no mistakes against those teams,"' he said.

The Cavaliers aren't one?

"Nah," he said.

Ok, first of all, that was both hilarious and one of the worst shows of sportmanship ever. He basically just said "We can play like crap and still beat the LeBrons".

Number two... who is he talking about? Obviously we must assume that he was talking about the Spurs in his original statement-- they did knock off the Pistons in last year's NBA Finals. But which is the mystery team that he felt the need to tack on at the last second? In all likelyhood it was Miami or Dallas. We can further narrow things down by simply recognizing the fact that Antoine Walker plays for the Heat, making them ineligible for serious championship contention.

Full Story on SI.com

And Now a Disturbing Word From Our Sponsors

After you finish vomiting and/or crying, you're going to be like, "how the hell does this sell a product?"

Welcome to the world of Viral Marketing! It's not about the product! It's about getting you to recognize and distribute the ad across the internets... which I just did. I'm such a corporate whore!

After you've seen the ad and emptied your digestive tract, you'll feel compelled to find out who is to blame for this mess you just created on your rug. When you finally do figure out who did it, you'll have put enough effort into the quest that the message will be seared into your brain. You'll also feel the need to justify your efforts by dropping lots of cash on fine Adidas mechandise.

In case you were wondering, these are for Adidas' adicolor line of shoes that come with a paint set and you add your own designs to. You can catch the whole series here.

I AM A WITNESS

I generally am part of that secondary backlash against overhyped athletes... but not this time, baby! I am fully versed in the gospel of King James. Tonight in Cleveland, the Cavaliers staved off the Pistons' attempts to go up 3-0 in this Eastern Conference Semifinal with an 86-77 win that required a 4th quarter comeback from ten points down. LeBron's contribution?


21 points (15 in the 4th), 10 rebounds, 10 assists


This despite the best efforts of Curious George to stop him. When contacted, The Man in the Yellow Hat had no comment.


Handy multimedia accompaniment, and a great commercial to boot:




I would seriously be tempted to buy a DVD of Nike advertisements. These images of Cleveland are so gritty and urban and heartfelt... and REAL. The pulsing soundtrack just helps to convey that hunger, and LeBron serves as a light, shining on the desolate metropolis. Bringing promises-- hopes and dreams. His love truly lifts us up where we belong.

AHHHHH!!! CAPITALISM IS SO ENTERTAINING!

X-Men: The Last Stand

From that director of Rush Hour comes an even more absurd plot... and Chris Tucker as Jackie Chan's police partner and buddy is pretty damn absurd.

I think this one is about some kind of mutant registration program that the X-Men and their supposed enemies, led by Magneto (Ian McKellen) join forced to fight again.

Actually, now that I've read the plot spoilers on Wikipedia, I seem to have no idea what it's about.

What I do know is that Kelsey Grammer looks totally ridic as Beast. If this were a cartoon, Grammer would be a great choice, since he sounds all bookish and the like. Unfortunantely, this is live-action, and Kelsey is an old man in a blue fur suit.

I also know that Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) goes all Phoenix on us for this one. That's a definite plus, since we all know that the pinnacle of children's television in the 90s was The Phoenix Saga on Fox Kids's X-Men animated series.

Sounds cool, right? Here's the kicker... Brett Ratner is a hack. I'm pretty confident that this movie will suck, but Superman Returns and its promises of greatness will be just a few short weeks away. If X-Men is that bad, I'll be able to wash out the taste of cinematic ass pretty shortly.

Also notice how prominently Wolverine/Hugh Jackman is featured in this movie's promotional materials. Word on "the street" is that a Wolverine solo film is in the works. That'll probably blow too.

I'm actually going to see this one soon, so stay tuned people for a real review!

I Haven't Heard Enough About Meth Yet

More meth-mouth misinformation. By Jack Shafer


Whoa, I can hear about meth users' teeth too??? AWESOME!!! This is actually fairly interesting, in a "I like to read things that contain technical jargon so that I can feel more intelligent when I'm done" kind of way, but I'm not exactly sure why I care. Oh, don't get me wrong, I don't like to see people succumb to "the snake" as I and other super-cool people call it, but their oral hygeine is not my #1 concern.

I heard a story recently about one of my friends getting carded at the pharmacy because (s)he wanted to buy cough syrup. That is just wrong. So what if I want to buy liquid cocaine? Does that give you any right to question me about it? I think this was meth related, but I'm not sure.

Pop UnRant: Embedded A/V Ad in AIM

Screw you, little yellow AIM dude

Look, I totally understand that you want to make money off of your product. Hell, I don't know what I would do without my leopard-skin tube socks... and believe you me, those things don't come cheap.

HOWEVA, I do not "understand" putting this obnoxious ad for Poseidon in my buddy list, which conveniently (and mysteriously) continues to play and be obnoxious even when the rest of the program has crashed and ceases to do anything besides eat up system resources and play Josh Lucas screaming something about people dying in a crappy remake of a movie I've never seen. If this crap happens one more time I swear I'm gonna... do nothing, since this program is ubiquitous and doing away with it would be akin to doing without a telephone.

Just know that I'm not happy about it... jerk.

Traffic Envy

So I applied for one of those Google Analytics accounts like, ten years ago. Imagine my surprise when I retreived my e-mail yesterday and saw that my application had finally gone through. I have no idea why they would take on my crappy site, but whatevs. Google is tracking each and every one of you that roll through these parts. You should only be mildly afraid. Sure, Google has all kinds of personal and potentially damaging info on you- but you can't really do anything about it either. Give in to The Man! Remember, Google's inroads on your personal life are done in the name of progress. The evil ones are Microsoft.

So along with this Analytics account came a new confrontation with the state of this blog. To be blunt... nobody reads it. I really shouldn't care, since I'm not running ads or anything- but I sure do. Sure, I could put more effort into spreading word and exchanging links and such... but I'm not going to. The brilliant content should be enough.

For example, I'm pretty sure this guy's blog gets a good deal more traffic than mine. He updates more regularly, and posts stuff that's probably a lot more interesting to read, but here's the thing... I started first. What more can I do, people?

I don't really have a point. If anything, it was that Google now knows where you live, what browser you're using, and that you were searching for nude pictures of Red Ranger Slavco when you ended up here. Take comfort in that.

What's a Little Spying Between Friends?

I'm not sure how I feel about things like this. My rational side says "they're not really doing anything with the records, and I have nothing to worry about personally."

Then my nutty, uber-lib, delightfully irrational side says "THIS IS AMERICA PEOPLE! THOSE WHO TRADE LIBERTY FOR SECURITY DESERVE NEITHER! GIVE ME A HELL YEAH!"

So, you can see why I'm torn.

Should I really care that George Bush knows that I ordered a pizza last week? Not really... unless of course he notices that I ordered three pizzas last week. That's kind of pathetic, and I can't have Dubya looking down on me. He also wouldn't be too happy with my love of Hawaiian-style.

Ok, seriously. Nobody likes Hawaiian pizza. Nobody. I have no idea why they offer it. A pizza place shouldn't even have pineapples on the premises, let alone be willing to throw those things onto a pie.

Anyway, here's the real deal. This is a non-issue that will make for excellent "The Dems Hate America" material in November when Karl Rove and his hell-demons trot out the scare tactics and spin this as the left being soft on national security. There are two options:

1. Don't let this happen... focus on the lying about Iraq, lobbying scandals and massive deficit.

2. Let the GOP dictate everything in the arena, right down to what they do and do not get called out on in the national media- lose AGAIN.

Yeah... Sony is Screwed

So the Playstatation 3 will be $499.99 for the most basic configuration and $599.99 for the "premium" one.

What the hell is this?

And what makes Sony think that I'm going to pay that much for a minor graphical update and a silver paint job? This company better hope Spiderman 3 makes like 9 billion dollars, because I see Mr. Bankruptcy cracking his knuckles in the corner.

You know, I remember a time when consoles were the everyman's alternative to gaming on personal computers. You know, everyone isn't willing to be on constant alert for the newest videocard or to be on a neverending quest for more RAM. Consoles will always have that over the PC market... but let's think about this for a moment.

If I'm* willing to drop $600 on a videogame console... money that could easily buy 139 Slinkies (and remember, only one of these two walks down stairs without a care), I'm probably willing to drop the cash it would take to put together a respectable gaming rig and take the customization and graphical advantages to boot.

We should also note that the next time prices drop from one console generation to the next will be the first time. What does this mean? It means we're rapidly approaching a point where the price of console gaming no longer holds a large advantage over pc gaming. What is better than watching an industry cannibalize itself in an orgy of greed?

Nothing


* - I'm in a universal sense... sure as hell not me personally

Don't Call it a Comeback...

Yeah, I (we) haven't been posting in a loooooong time. Sorry about that. Hey, life takes time, alright?


Stay tuned for the Summer of George. Play the video for added effect.

Dave Chappelle's Block Party

Remember way back when? Those days when you would sit in school and discuss how much you were looking forward to that night's episode of Chappelle's Show on Comedy Central? The joy as you knew that a new catch phrase would be reverberating down the hallways next morning? Was that just me? Fine.

So I went to see Dave Chappelle's Block Party with some friends. As we were prepping to go, it became evident that these guys weren't entirely aware of what they were walking into. I believe they figured this would be a 2-hour long Chappelle's Show... well, it's not. DCBP, as it will be called from now on, if a concert film. Yes, a Michel Gondry directed concert film with heart, soul and humor-- but a concert film nonetheless.

You'll see Dave invite a small Ohio college's band to Bed-Stuy, Erykah Badu make a startling revelation, and Dead Prez being generally insane... but you won't see Clayton Bigsby, Ashy Larry or the Time Haters. What you're left with is some damn good entertainment. The guys I went with weren't exactly rap-heads, but they generally seemed to have a good time with it (the hippees that volunteer their stoop for Dave's shindig are worth the price of admission).

For those of you that care about the music, everything is great aside from Talib Kweli's latest step in his neverending quest to destroy his fanbase. Kweli... stop riding Mos Def's coattails and learn how to catch a beat. Geez. The Roots band is awesome, and Kanye West displays his usual live show brilliance. Dead Prez, despite being insane (already mentioned), also put on one of the better performances from a technical standpoint. The stereotypical live-rap sludge act doesn't happen here.

If you want to hear rap and R&B in theater-quality surround sound, go see this now. With Kanye, Kweli, Mos, Common, Jill, Erykah, Wyclef, Black Thought, Cody and a hearthwrenching Lauryn all on screen, you'll get a kick out of it. On a side note, "ATL", which was previewed before this movie looks like a joke wrapped in an abomination. Gotta love Hollywood.

8/10

Baby Got Book

greatest video ever




I almost feel like the truly righteous would have never heard of "Baby Got Back", and that everyone in this video is completely discredited now.

Yes, even more than they already would have been by agreeing to upload a parody music video to a public website.

Syriana

Filmless Review... But not.



I've been wanting to see this one for a long time, but it seems that the audience for uber-liberal geopolitical thrillers isn't that extensive- even among the college set. Either that or I had final holiday break and final exams right after it released and no one could justify going to movie.

Normally I feel a little guilty when I write my usual "this was too long and/or complicated to summarize"; but this time I have the backup of several acclaimed film critics. The acting is top-notch, the dialogue is fantastic and the cinematography leaves little to desire- but I must admit that I was left with a general "WTF?" feeling as it went on. This is not to say that Syriana is bad. I thoroughly enjoyed it despite being lost for much of the time. I would compare it to Coca-Cola- you enjoy the taste, but if someone asked you what exactly "cola" was comprised of, you'd have a hard time answering (vanilla, cinnamon and lemon... duh). If you happen to see this one, save the questions for afterwards. You'll ruin it if you dwell on the WTF-ness while the film is still running.

I also suggest that you toss your political allegiances aside for this one as well. It's about as pinko-lefty as it gets. America is evil, capitalism is evil, oil is evil, swimming pools are evil... You know, the usual. I must admit that the cases made are pretty compelling. The 'ol stars and stripes come off looking a little stained; but then again, any good piece of propaganda would do that. Oh snap, I went there.

Either way, this is an interesting piece of film that will get the mental gears turning. It's also one that you'll exit the theater wanting to see again, but then decide that the best alternative will be to wait for the DVD or "acquire" it digitally since there were no giant monkeys involved and the big screen doesn't contribute that much on its own. Seeing an overweight George Clooney is also worth your $9.

I'm going to start giving numerical scores to movies that I've actually seen to differentiate them from the ones that I call trash for no good reason:

8/10

Kevin Federline is a Superstar

Kevin Federline, or as his homies know him, "K-Fed", is a megastar just waiting to happen. The cynics out there are going to think that he has just evolved from using his famous wife for cash to using his wife for media attention. I can't believe that such horrible people exist. This is a man with a vision and a talent that the world needs to experience. Maybe it's less about Britney Spears marrying Kevin Federline, and more about Kevin Federline marrying Britney Spears... Get it? Get it? I don't either- he is a tape worm and Britney is the infested lower intestine of some field mammal. He will feed until she is dry, and then he will move on to the next celebrity that he can dig his claws into. Mandy Moore better watch her back.

Actually, what the hell happened to Mandy Moore? Anyway, here's some pertinent multimedia! Joy!




Yes Kevin, you can say that. You probably shouldn't since it's probably the worst piece of music ever created, and has nothing to do with Brazil; but this is America and you can say whatever you want. Notice how he FEELS the music. Only a true artist can get that in touch with the medium.

FIRE!

YouTube... and LAZY (MO)NDAY

I know I posted about how great Google Video is like 3 days ago... well YouTube is just as good; and I can post their videos too! I must assume that everyone has seen "Lazy Sunday" by now- it was only the biggest internet phenomenon of the year. Well, as with any internet phenomenon, the parodies are coming fast and furious. Here's my personal favorite:



MULTIMEDIA BITCHES!

The Shame of My Chromosome

One night (day?) many moons ago after an event I would rather not think about or discuss, I was conceived. Fate determined that the cells meeting to embark upon the formation of a new human being happened to be of differing type; one X and one Y. I've learned that in-group biases- where one favors his own kind and gives them the benefit of doubt more often than not- are a natural part of the human condition. Whatevs. You know what? I need to say it. The Y is pissing me off. In short, we suck. Check out this article:

"Wah, wah, wah... boys are falling behind"

I empathize with the oppressed. It makes me feel good; however, I cannot empathize with MALES complaining about this kind of thing. Why are boys falling behind? Because they're idiots... I went to high school, the boys only cared about getting crunk and breasts. That was it. Meanwhile, the girls were worried about their futures. Not only are boys not oppressed, but they're the exact opposite! Why do we have to make excuses for them bouncing off the walls in class and acting stupid? It's the dark side of entitlement, I tells ya.

There was definitely a vibe out there with guys thinking everything would work out for them. The worst case scenario would be working one of those mysteriously high-paying blue-collar jobs like plumbing. Girls don't have that kind of stuff to fall back on. They know it's gonna be brainpower or nothing... Unless they're model-hot or something; but that's pretty rare. And plumbing is hard! It's not like Mario Brothers where you have a talking mushroom working the finances.

Anyway. Stop bitching, stop blaming teaching biases and feminism, or uppity women or whatever and get on the ball. The heavens graced us with Ritalin for a reason. If this keeps up, I'm gonna become a full-blown feminist. Not just a "women are cool" feminist either... I mean one of those "take it over ladies" feminists.

Hillary '08

Google Video

My dorm room has become obsessed with Google Video. I'm perfectly aware that this isn't new or obscure at all, but I'm going to act like I'm introducing the whole thing to you for the first time:

Google Video is an assortment of random video from all across the internets. I guess people submit their videos to Google, and then they hook it up to the magic search engine machine. Recently they added some "legitimate" content, like NBA basketball games and reruns of CBS television shows; but that's not what GV (as the cool kids call it) is all about. This post is also serving as a test, since I believe that I can actually post Google Videos into blog entries. We will soon see.

To try this out, I will post a video that epitomizes the kind of material you will find if you scour GV for long enough. I could link to something that's actually funny or interesting, but I'd much prefer to creep you out and make you reconsider bringing another human being into this world one day. With no further ado, Pokemon Kid...







This is also a breakthrough since I can now get lazy and just throw a video on here when I don't feel like writing anything... oh wait, no.

Ode to the Red Solo Cup

College life can be a harrowing experience. Everyone is taken out of their carefully constructed high school personas and forced to build up a brand new one for post-secondary school audiences. For a lot of people, this can be a great time to "bust out of their shells", or take the first steps away from what they're supposed to be, and towards what they want to be.

But what about the cool kids? I dumped head after head into public bathroom toilets. I practice my spitballing technique for hours on end, all to get that laugh in 3rd period math and a high five in the lunch line. I WORE TOMMY GEAR!

Well, fear not. If I've learned anything since high school, it's that coolness (and thus, happiness) can be achieved through the possession of a singular inanimate object... The red solo cup.


Why does it have to be a solo cup? Probably because they're cheap, but not too cheap. You want value, not cancer. Why red? Because red is the color of power, and power is what being cool is all about. Some may say that the red solo cup in itself is meaningless, and that the true secret resides within that plastic vessel. Perhaps alcohol is the answer. Alas, no. Alcohol may help make you more "interesting" for the moment, but it will not make you cool. What makes you cool is getting your picture taken with that telltale piece of plasticware in you hand. Make sure that there's plenty of red-eye in that photo too, because you're wasted and your pupils are incapacitated. One of those shell necklaces and an improperly positioned baseball cap are also suggested. If you're gonna imbibe, do it right! Let's wrap with a tribute in haiku form.

Oh, Red Solo Cup
Marker of prosperity
Cool kids are hella tight

The 80s Were Terrible: #6

Before I came to college, little did I know that I was stepping into a world of 80s celebrationists. This general glorification of that horrible decade seems to center around a certain kind of event-- the 80s Party. I have spent three semesters in college, and there have been at least 5 different 80s parties, including 80s parties held by single dorm rooms under their own administration. I guess the girls like dressing up and the guys like the girls, but it seems that a large draw of these parties is crappy 80s music; bringing us to #6 on our countdown of terror...


Hair Bands



I swear-- if I am subjected to some random Bon Jovi outburst ONE MORE TIME I'm going to discover time travel, contruct a machine, jump back to 1977 and punch that piece of crap in the throat... hard. "Living on a Prayer" is garbage. "Shot Through The Heart" is like a swarm of bees rushing into my ear canals. "Wanted Dead or Alive" is a song with a correct answer. "You Give Love a Bad Name"? You give music a bad name. If Grog the music-creating caveman knew that his work would result in this, he would knock that rock through his skull instead of against the wall. Bon Jovi definitely isn't the end of it. Poison, White Snake, Motley Crue, Skid Row, Guns 'n Roses... ATROCIOUS. Ugh. It's bad enough when I have to hear this refuse every once in a while; how the hell did people put up with it when it was on the radio non-stop? People today complain about "Hollaback Girl" and "My Humps". Give me Gwen Stefani repeating the word shit for 4 minutes over a Poison power ballad anyday.

Even More Naomi Watts

A few days ago, I posted about the Naomi Watts celebration known as King Kong. Well, now she's going to get a second post. I think this puts her into a tie with the Red Ranger/Slavco from that VH1 reality series that I watched occasionally over the summer for "most posted about individual". Forget that I mentioned that.



Anywizzle, as I vegetated over my winter break from college, I decided that an excellent way to waste time would be to watch some of the content on the HBO Video OnDemand station that comes with my digital cable subscription (Time Warner baby!). This was a good idea until I started waking up at 3pm every afternoon; so I ended up getting through only two movies. One prominently featured Naomi Watts, and the other starred Nicole Kidman, who is pretty much the same person.

I'm going to throw this lame one-liner out there whether I actually think it's funny or not. You will never know my true feelings:

I Hearted Huckabees!

That deserves at least 3 LOLs. I can't count on anyone having seen this, but any plot summary I give would not make ANY sense. Instead, I'll only summarize Naomi Watts' role. She's Huckabees' spokesmodel (Huckabees is a department store... think Macy's), she's Jude Law's girlfriend, she wears an existential bonnet. The film, though un-summarizable, was interesting and funny.

The other movie I watched was Dogville, which had a plot that I can summarize. Nicole Kidman is some 1930s mobster's daughter that runs away out west. She ends up in tiny, poor town full of strange people. Then a bunch of weird stuff happens. Eventually she ends up with a chain around her neck. The end is semi-surprising and moderately disturbing; which is always a plus. Various sources on the internets tell me that this is an America-bashing film, but it was made by an insane foreign filmmaker; and much like any American worth his salt, I ignore all criticism of this great land. America, F--- Yeah. But seriously, I saw a Jesus thing going on more than anything. Then again, I see Jesus in a lot of things-- unfortunately not in anything I could sell on eBay or get featured on the 10pm news... yet.

I think I went into this with a point, but it's gone now.



Sidenote: I might avoid posting for a while just because that picture at the top of the page looks great.

What's In A Name?

In theory, every parent wants the best for their child. I mean, even the most neglectful parent isn't interested in being hit with a criminal negligence charge and jail time for being too lazy to keep their baby alive. That means that even the worst parents are forced to put in a good deal of effort-- and if you're gonna go through all of that, you might as well raise a good one, right? The thing is, many parents, even ones that do genuinely care about raising upstanding kids, make critical errors EARLY in the game.

They give their kids terrible names.


I touched on this previously in the Proof review, where I slammed Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin for naming their kid Apple. In all seriousness, that was a stretch. Apple is a strange name, but not too terrible of one. It'll bring on some schoolyard heckling, and maybe a beating or two, but the little lady should be fine. However, there are same names that should draw some kind of monetary fine in an attempt to curb bad parenting. I can't prove this, but it just seems to me (and of course, everyone else) that certain types of names go a long way towards shaping the person that child ends up being.


1. Old, Stodgy, Obsolete Names: Abraham, Maximilian, Bartholomew

I don't care if there's a biblical origin, some kind of family history, whatever. If you name your son Phineus, he's in trouble. He's not going to get light Apple-type needling; he's going to get non-stop criticism that will invariably turn him into a cold, hardened, souless asshole. Do you want that? Bartholomew is slightly better since it's also the name of a famous cartoon character-- but that will bring its own problems. Just don't do it.

2. Old Woman Names: Mildred, Gertrude, Ida

Again, I don't care where the name comes from. You know what happens to a little girl named Gertrude? She gets treated like a Gertrude. That means like an old woman. This is not good times. No matter how many scantily-clad pictures Gerty puts up on MySpace/Facebook, she's still going to be expected to wear a bonnet and a girdle. Your daughter will not appreciate it. There's also a 75% chance she becomes an alcoholic trying to show that she's nothing like her name makes her out to be.

3. Cute Names: Brittany, Kaylee, Tammy

This seems like a good idea when you have a baby coming home and waking you up everynight, or a toddler running around breaking everything because it reminds you "hey, this thing is kind of cute... I won't strangle it yet". First of all, I do not support infanticide, so you're a horrible person. Second, you shouldn't need a cutesy name to keep yourself from murdering a small child-- again, terrible person. These names even work in high school. Isn't "Brittany" just the perfect cheerleader name? Cheerleaders run the universe, so this isn't necessarily a bad thing. The problem arises years later, when "Tammy" is trying to become a partner at a law firm, or "Kaylee" is running for senate. Worst of all, Grandma Brittany just doesn't look, feel or sound right. All grandmas should have the names listed under #2. If you're going to go this route, make sure to give a neutral middle name, so that your baby has a choice later on. Think... "Mary" or "Elizabeth".

4. Hot Names: Amber, Summer, Autumn

These names just put too much pressure on a child. Your kid is going to go through life being expected to be a bombshell, and if the cards don't fall right, she's going to have some awkward first impressions. It's also scientific fact that these names raise your child's chances of working in the sex industry 500%.

King Kong

Also known as "Naomi Watts' Closeup"



I haven't done a "review" in a long time because, frankly, they're hard to do. Thinking up new ways to say that a movie sucks is not my idea of fun, and as such, I am not achieving the flow that I need to pump out such stirring literary content. How can this be addressed? By seeing a GOOD movie. How can this be addressed even more? By seeing a GOOD movie with Naomi Watts in it. I shouldn't need to explain, but I will anyway since I am untrusting of those around me; especially the 2-4 people that read this blog. It's because she's quite the looker.

Ms. Watts' beauty would normally not be mentioned so prominently in one of my writings, as such crass subject matter is below me. In this case however, I was clearly supposed to hit on this point, since director Peter Jackson decided that I needed to sit through roughly 40 minutes of extreme closeups on her face. I suppose that's a little more artistically valid than say, a cleavage or ass shot, but it's still sketch*. The main character is already a 30ft gorilla that is incapable of verbal communication, so the looooooong silent gazes upon Naomi's impeccably constructed features were not helpful as I quested to get through the 3-hour film in a fully conscious state.

Now, I have thus far refused to watch even a second of Jackson's Lord of The Rings trilogy, so I ask: does he normally do this? Did he have the camera leer at Liv Tyler for uncomfortably long amounts of time? I need to know if he actually was crushing on Naomi, or if he's just a closeup slut, jumping from one Hollywood starlet to the next. Ok, Liv Tyler isn't exactly a starlet, but you get the idea.

My last note is that Jack Black should never attempt to do a serious role again. He's just incapable; it almost ruined the entire thing for me. It's not that he was bad, it's just that I kept having flashbacks to the guy running around in his tighty whiteys in "Orange County"... didn't help that Colin Hanks was in both flicks as well.

* - I don't use this term or it's cousin "sketchy", but I decided to write it anyway