Syriana

Filmless Review... But not.



I've been wanting to see this one for a long time, but it seems that the audience for uber-liberal geopolitical thrillers isn't that extensive- even among the college set. Either that or I had final holiday break and final exams right after it released and no one could justify going to movie.

Normally I feel a little guilty when I write my usual "this was too long and/or complicated to summarize"; but this time I have the backup of several acclaimed film critics. The acting is top-notch, the dialogue is fantastic and the cinematography leaves little to desire- but I must admit that I was left with a general "WTF?" feeling as it went on. This is not to say that Syriana is bad. I thoroughly enjoyed it despite being lost for much of the time. I would compare it to Coca-Cola- you enjoy the taste, but if someone asked you what exactly "cola" was comprised of, you'd have a hard time answering (vanilla, cinnamon and lemon... duh). If you happen to see this one, save the questions for afterwards. You'll ruin it if you dwell on the WTF-ness while the film is still running.

I also suggest that you toss your political allegiances aside for this one as well. It's about as pinko-lefty as it gets. America is evil, capitalism is evil, oil is evil, swimming pools are evil... You know, the usual. I must admit that the cases made are pretty compelling. The 'ol stars and stripes come off looking a little stained; but then again, any good piece of propaganda would do that. Oh snap, I went there.

Either way, this is an interesting piece of film that will get the mental gears turning. It's also one that you'll exit the theater wanting to see again, but then decide that the best alternative will be to wait for the DVD or "acquire" it digitally since there were no giant monkeys involved and the big screen doesn't contribute that much on its own. Seeing an overweight George Clooney is also worth your $9.

I'm going to start giving numerical scores to movies that I've actually seen to differentiate them from the ones that I call trash for no good reason:

8/10

Kevin Federline is a Superstar

Kevin Federline, or as his homies know him, "K-Fed", is a megastar just waiting to happen. The cynics out there are going to think that he has just evolved from using his famous wife for cash to using his wife for media attention. I can't believe that such horrible people exist. This is a man with a vision and a talent that the world needs to experience. Maybe it's less about Britney Spears marrying Kevin Federline, and more about Kevin Federline marrying Britney Spears... Get it? Get it? I don't either- he is a tape worm and Britney is the infested lower intestine of some field mammal. He will feed until she is dry, and then he will move on to the next celebrity that he can dig his claws into. Mandy Moore better watch her back.

Actually, what the hell happened to Mandy Moore? Anyway, here's some pertinent multimedia! Joy!




Yes Kevin, you can say that. You probably shouldn't since it's probably the worst piece of music ever created, and has nothing to do with Brazil; but this is America and you can say whatever you want. Notice how he FEELS the music. Only a true artist can get that in touch with the medium.

FIRE!

YouTube... and LAZY (MO)NDAY

I know I posted about how great Google Video is like 3 days ago... well YouTube is just as good; and I can post their videos too! I must assume that everyone has seen "Lazy Sunday" by now- it was only the biggest internet phenomenon of the year. Well, as with any internet phenomenon, the parodies are coming fast and furious. Here's my personal favorite:



MULTIMEDIA BITCHES!

The Shame of My Chromosome

One night (day?) many moons ago after an event I would rather not think about or discuss, I was conceived. Fate determined that the cells meeting to embark upon the formation of a new human being happened to be of differing type; one X and one Y. I've learned that in-group biases- where one favors his own kind and gives them the benefit of doubt more often than not- are a natural part of the human condition. Whatevs. You know what? I need to say it. The Y is pissing me off. In short, we suck. Check out this article:

"Wah, wah, wah... boys are falling behind"

I empathize with the oppressed. It makes me feel good; however, I cannot empathize with MALES complaining about this kind of thing. Why are boys falling behind? Because they're idiots... I went to high school, the boys only cared about getting crunk and breasts. That was it. Meanwhile, the girls were worried about their futures. Not only are boys not oppressed, but they're the exact opposite! Why do we have to make excuses for them bouncing off the walls in class and acting stupid? It's the dark side of entitlement, I tells ya.

There was definitely a vibe out there with guys thinking everything would work out for them. The worst case scenario would be working one of those mysteriously high-paying blue-collar jobs like plumbing. Girls don't have that kind of stuff to fall back on. They know it's gonna be brainpower or nothing... Unless they're model-hot or something; but that's pretty rare. And plumbing is hard! It's not like Mario Brothers where you have a talking mushroom working the finances.

Anyway. Stop bitching, stop blaming teaching biases and feminism, or uppity women or whatever and get on the ball. The heavens graced us with Ritalin for a reason. If this keeps up, I'm gonna become a full-blown feminist. Not just a "women are cool" feminist either... I mean one of those "take it over ladies" feminists.

Hillary '08

Google Video

My dorm room has become obsessed with Google Video. I'm perfectly aware that this isn't new or obscure at all, but I'm going to act like I'm introducing the whole thing to you for the first time:

Google Video is an assortment of random video from all across the internets. I guess people submit their videos to Google, and then they hook it up to the magic search engine machine. Recently they added some "legitimate" content, like NBA basketball games and reruns of CBS television shows; but that's not what GV (as the cool kids call it) is all about. This post is also serving as a test, since I believe that I can actually post Google Videos into blog entries. We will soon see.

To try this out, I will post a video that epitomizes the kind of material you will find if you scour GV for long enough. I could link to something that's actually funny or interesting, but I'd much prefer to creep you out and make you reconsider bringing another human being into this world one day. With no further ado, Pokemon Kid...







This is also a breakthrough since I can now get lazy and just throw a video on here when I don't feel like writing anything... oh wait, no.

Ode to the Red Solo Cup

College life can be a harrowing experience. Everyone is taken out of their carefully constructed high school personas and forced to build up a brand new one for post-secondary school audiences. For a lot of people, this can be a great time to "bust out of their shells", or take the first steps away from what they're supposed to be, and towards what they want to be.

But what about the cool kids? I dumped head after head into public bathroom toilets. I practice my spitballing technique for hours on end, all to get that laugh in 3rd period math and a high five in the lunch line. I WORE TOMMY GEAR!

Well, fear not. If I've learned anything since high school, it's that coolness (and thus, happiness) can be achieved through the possession of a singular inanimate object... The red solo cup.


Why does it have to be a solo cup? Probably because they're cheap, but not too cheap. You want value, not cancer. Why red? Because red is the color of power, and power is what being cool is all about. Some may say that the red solo cup in itself is meaningless, and that the true secret resides within that plastic vessel. Perhaps alcohol is the answer. Alas, no. Alcohol may help make you more "interesting" for the moment, but it will not make you cool. What makes you cool is getting your picture taken with that telltale piece of plasticware in you hand. Make sure that there's plenty of red-eye in that photo too, because you're wasted and your pupils are incapacitated. One of those shell necklaces and an improperly positioned baseball cap are also suggested. If you're gonna imbibe, do it right! Let's wrap with a tribute in haiku form.

Oh, Red Solo Cup
Marker of prosperity
Cool kids are hella tight

The 80s Were Terrible: #6

Before I came to college, little did I know that I was stepping into a world of 80s celebrationists. This general glorification of that horrible decade seems to center around a certain kind of event-- the 80s Party. I have spent three semesters in college, and there have been at least 5 different 80s parties, including 80s parties held by single dorm rooms under their own administration. I guess the girls like dressing up and the guys like the girls, but it seems that a large draw of these parties is crappy 80s music; bringing us to #6 on our countdown of terror...


Hair Bands



I swear-- if I am subjected to some random Bon Jovi outburst ONE MORE TIME I'm going to discover time travel, contruct a machine, jump back to 1977 and punch that piece of crap in the throat... hard. "Living on a Prayer" is garbage. "Shot Through The Heart" is like a swarm of bees rushing into my ear canals. "Wanted Dead or Alive" is a song with a correct answer. "You Give Love a Bad Name"? You give music a bad name. If Grog the music-creating caveman knew that his work would result in this, he would knock that rock through his skull instead of against the wall. Bon Jovi definitely isn't the end of it. Poison, White Snake, Motley Crue, Skid Row, Guns 'n Roses... ATROCIOUS. Ugh. It's bad enough when I have to hear this refuse every once in a while; how the hell did people put up with it when it was on the radio non-stop? People today complain about "Hollaback Girl" and "My Humps". Give me Gwen Stefani repeating the word shit for 4 minutes over a Poison power ballad anyday.

Even More Naomi Watts

A few days ago, I posted about the Naomi Watts celebration known as King Kong. Well, now she's going to get a second post. I think this puts her into a tie with the Red Ranger/Slavco from that VH1 reality series that I watched occasionally over the summer for "most posted about individual". Forget that I mentioned that.



Anywizzle, as I vegetated over my winter break from college, I decided that an excellent way to waste time would be to watch some of the content on the HBO Video OnDemand station that comes with my digital cable subscription (Time Warner baby!). This was a good idea until I started waking up at 3pm every afternoon; so I ended up getting through only two movies. One prominently featured Naomi Watts, and the other starred Nicole Kidman, who is pretty much the same person.

I'm going to throw this lame one-liner out there whether I actually think it's funny or not. You will never know my true feelings:

I Hearted Huckabees!

That deserves at least 3 LOLs. I can't count on anyone having seen this, but any plot summary I give would not make ANY sense. Instead, I'll only summarize Naomi Watts' role. She's Huckabees' spokesmodel (Huckabees is a department store... think Macy's), she's Jude Law's girlfriend, she wears an existential bonnet. The film, though un-summarizable, was interesting and funny.

The other movie I watched was Dogville, which had a plot that I can summarize. Nicole Kidman is some 1930s mobster's daughter that runs away out west. She ends up in tiny, poor town full of strange people. Then a bunch of weird stuff happens. Eventually she ends up with a chain around her neck. The end is semi-surprising and moderately disturbing; which is always a plus. Various sources on the internets tell me that this is an America-bashing film, but it was made by an insane foreign filmmaker; and much like any American worth his salt, I ignore all criticism of this great land. America, F--- Yeah. But seriously, I saw a Jesus thing going on more than anything. Then again, I see Jesus in a lot of things-- unfortunately not in anything I could sell on eBay or get featured on the 10pm news... yet.

I think I went into this with a point, but it's gone now.



Sidenote: I might avoid posting for a while just because that picture at the top of the page looks great.

What's In A Name?

In theory, every parent wants the best for their child. I mean, even the most neglectful parent isn't interested in being hit with a criminal negligence charge and jail time for being too lazy to keep their baby alive. That means that even the worst parents are forced to put in a good deal of effort-- and if you're gonna go through all of that, you might as well raise a good one, right? The thing is, many parents, even ones that do genuinely care about raising upstanding kids, make critical errors EARLY in the game.

They give their kids terrible names.


I touched on this previously in the Proof review, where I slammed Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin for naming their kid Apple. In all seriousness, that was a stretch. Apple is a strange name, but not too terrible of one. It'll bring on some schoolyard heckling, and maybe a beating or two, but the little lady should be fine. However, there are same names that should draw some kind of monetary fine in an attempt to curb bad parenting. I can't prove this, but it just seems to me (and of course, everyone else) that certain types of names go a long way towards shaping the person that child ends up being.


1. Old, Stodgy, Obsolete Names: Abraham, Maximilian, Bartholomew

I don't care if there's a biblical origin, some kind of family history, whatever. If you name your son Phineus, he's in trouble. He's not going to get light Apple-type needling; he's going to get non-stop criticism that will invariably turn him into a cold, hardened, souless asshole. Do you want that? Bartholomew is slightly better since it's also the name of a famous cartoon character-- but that will bring its own problems. Just don't do it.

2. Old Woman Names: Mildred, Gertrude, Ida

Again, I don't care where the name comes from. You know what happens to a little girl named Gertrude? She gets treated like a Gertrude. That means like an old woman. This is not good times. No matter how many scantily-clad pictures Gerty puts up on MySpace/Facebook, she's still going to be expected to wear a bonnet and a girdle. Your daughter will not appreciate it. There's also a 75% chance she becomes an alcoholic trying to show that she's nothing like her name makes her out to be.

3. Cute Names: Brittany, Kaylee, Tammy

This seems like a good idea when you have a baby coming home and waking you up everynight, or a toddler running around breaking everything because it reminds you "hey, this thing is kind of cute... I won't strangle it yet". First of all, I do not support infanticide, so you're a horrible person. Second, you shouldn't need a cutesy name to keep yourself from murdering a small child-- again, terrible person. These names even work in high school. Isn't "Brittany" just the perfect cheerleader name? Cheerleaders run the universe, so this isn't necessarily a bad thing. The problem arises years later, when "Tammy" is trying to become a partner at a law firm, or "Kaylee" is running for senate. Worst of all, Grandma Brittany just doesn't look, feel or sound right. All grandmas should have the names listed under #2. If you're going to go this route, make sure to give a neutral middle name, so that your baby has a choice later on. Think... "Mary" or "Elizabeth".

4. Hot Names: Amber, Summer, Autumn

These names just put too much pressure on a child. Your kid is going to go through life being expected to be a bombshell, and if the cards don't fall right, she's going to have some awkward first impressions. It's also scientific fact that these names raise your child's chances of working in the sex industry 500%.

King Kong

Also known as "Naomi Watts' Closeup"



I haven't done a "review" in a long time because, frankly, they're hard to do. Thinking up new ways to say that a movie sucks is not my idea of fun, and as such, I am not achieving the flow that I need to pump out such stirring literary content. How can this be addressed? By seeing a GOOD movie. How can this be addressed even more? By seeing a GOOD movie with Naomi Watts in it. I shouldn't need to explain, but I will anyway since I am untrusting of those around me; especially the 2-4 people that read this blog. It's because she's quite the looker.

Ms. Watts' beauty would normally not be mentioned so prominently in one of my writings, as such crass subject matter is below me. In this case however, I was clearly supposed to hit on this point, since director Peter Jackson decided that I needed to sit through roughly 40 minutes of extreme closeups on her face. I suppose that's a little more artistically valid than say, a cleavage or ass shot, but it's still sketch*. The main character is already a 30ft gorilla that is incapable of verbal communication, so the looooooong silent gazes upon Naomi's impeccably constructed features were not helpful as I quested to get through the 3-hour film in a fully conscious state.

Now, I have thus far refused to watch even a second of Jackson's Lord of The Rings trilogy, so I ask: does he normally do this? Did he have the camera leer at Liv Tyler for uncomfortably long amounts of time? I need to know if he actually was crushing on Naomi, or if he's just a closeup slut, jumping from one Hollywood starlet to the next. Ok, Liv Tyler isn't exactly a starlet, but you get the idea.

My last note is that Jack Black should never attempt to do a serious role again. He's just incapable; it almost ruined the entire thing for me. It's not that he was bad, it's just that I kept having flashbacks to the guy running around in his tighty whiteys in "Orange County"... didn't help that Colin Hanks was in both flicks as well.

* - I don't use this term or it's cousin "sketchy", but I decided to write it anyway