Into the Blue - Filmless Review

My feelings on Jessica Alba's acting chops should be pretty clear to those of you who follow this site (a-ha!). To make a not that long story short, she is a horrible actress that gets by on being hot. Now I want you to take a moment out, and try to imagine being Jessica Alba:

You know that you can't act or sing, and dance at a level that could maybe get you on Usher's tour bus as a groupie or something. You are also still extremely depressed about your years-ago breakup with Derek Jeter, just because he is so awesome. So the question now is: "How will I move forward in my career?". If you guessed "Be half-naked for 45 minutes in a movie that is vaguely about sharks or something", you are correct! "Into the Blue" is about divers finding buried treasure or some crap like that. I would go into more detail about the plot, if not for the epic effort by whatever butcher shop of a movie studio is underwriting this thing. There's a concerted effort to just push Alba in a swimsuit and keep details of the "storyline" as buried as possible. I pretty much exhausted my Alba-bashing in a previous post, so I'll talk about this Paul Walker guy a little (the one that isn't in a bikini... yeah, he's there. Just try to concentrate.)

Paul Walker's claims to fame are those Fast and the Furious movies that I will soon be identifying as the worst pieces of pop culture produced in the past 15-20 years in a future post. Of course, anytime I claim that a topic will be explored in a future post I'm essentially guaranteeing that you will never hear of it again from me... but I'll try really hard this time. Anyway, you know that any man with that kind of theatrical resume is going places. Ideally to a rehab center or purgatory, but "places" nonetheless.

In a way, Paul Walker is the male equivalent to Alba. He has no discernible talent outside of looking like an Abercrombie and Fitch model, yet he keeps getting work. The thing is that I know there is some level of idolization that goes on out there where teenage girls might flock to an Alba/Duff/Lohan flick just because they wish to support the actress. This doesn't happen with guys though. There will be no males running the cinemas tomorrow in order to catch a glimpse of Paul Walker in action because he's so "empowered" or whatever. This leaves me with no choice but to ONCE AGAIN indict the entertainment industry as a whole for allowing teenage girls to run the show. Paul Walker has no business being an actor. Not only that, but from what I've gleamed in interviews and such, he probably has no business with anything more than working retail at The Gap or being one of those creepy clothes models on QVC. I would make a plea to all of the 13-20 year old females out there to boycott this film and start up change in our media, but I don't think we're working that demo very well.

Prison: It's a Good Thing

For all these years I've been in the "avoid prison" camp. It's not particularly hard to stay on the path of lawfulness, so there's no need for applause (although I will accept if you insist). This way of life has served me fairly well, but recent events have shaken things up.

About a year and a half ago, Martha Stewart was found guilty on some (bogus) charges in relation to some shady business dealings. The "shady business dealings" that this investigation sprung from happen all the time without further incident, but the feds found the idea of tarnishing the image of Ms. Stewart too exciting to pass up. I personally thought the whole situation was a joke, but I also lack the intense hatred of Martha Stewart that so many people seem to share. That said, the idea of her in prison, country-club prison or not, was hilarious. It got even better when stories like "Stewart's prison nickname is M. Diddy" and a Christmas decorating contest defeat to a fellow inmate leaked into the press. To make a long story short (even though I never attempted to tell this story at any point in the post), this combination of a forced media hiatus and transformation into even more of a punchline had presumably derailed the M Train. Think again.

See, I overestimated the life-ending powers of prison. Normally a stay in a facility of that nature would follow you around for the rest of you life, crushing any chances of resuming a regular life. Normally you aren't Martha Stewart either. Not only did she get another crack at a daytime home improvement/decorating/cooking/crafts/whateverthehellshedoes show, but she ALSO broke into prime time, an arena that she could't get into for anything more than the occasional throwaway special in her pre-prison days. I was going to watch The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, but then I forgot and ended up watching this movie (it's decidedly ok).

I think we have all learned a lesson here. If you want to really go places in life, commit some kind of non-violent felony so that you too can go to country-club prison and then be released as a bigger star than ever. Or don't.

Tim Burton's Corpse Bride - Filmless Review

As I spoke of previously, we definitely need more dancing zombie women in the media. I cannot be SURE that the zombie woman/women in this film dance, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that it happens at some point. Credit for that.

This movie is about a man in 19th Century Europe that gets sent to the underworld and married to a... buckle your seat belts for this one... CORPSE BRIDE. It turns out that his non-zombie fiance is none too pleased. Hilarity, drama and assorted other things ensue.

This seems to a solid picture, but I have some qualms. Let's begin:

1. Didn't Tim Burton put out Willy Wonka like 5 minutes ago? This guy is notorious for vanishing from the Hollywood scene for years at a time. I'm aware that work on this movie probably started years ago; but so what? I can complain about ANYTHING*. Either way, we can't have Mr. Burton over-extending himself. Things like this result. Don't try to tell me that movie didn't suck.

2. It looks a tad too similar to The Nightmare Before Christmas, which is one of the key films of my childhood. I suppose I could go into detail about that in the future, but I'm not very good with keeping plans on here. If this movie were to somehow tarnish the greatness that is Jack Skellington and his travails, I would never forgive Burton... even though he made that movie too, which makes my vow kind of unreasonable. Refer back to the *.

3. He's dating the person that voices the co-lead of the film (Helena Bonham Carter). As a man of such moral fiber, I find this kind of nepotism abhorrent. At least when it doesn't benefit me.

Don't Cut the Cord

I bet from time to time you sit there in front of the latest Real World episode, political pundit verbal masturbation session or George Foreman Grill infomercial and think "Hey, why the hell am I paying for this crap? All I watch is The OC and Desperate Housewives anyway."

Well for one thing, nobody watches Desperate Housewives. I know it gets huge ratings and media attention, but nobody watches it. Seriously. If you think you watched it you are mistaken. You were trying to watch Family Guy and hit the wrong button... things happen. Secondly, you're really wrong. Yeah, most of cable TV is absolute garbage. Even the "good channels" have gone to crap lately. TLC? Home design 24/7. When I was younger I used to dream of being a doctor as I watched people get knee replacements on The Learning Channel... if I were growing up now I would strive to be an interior decorator or something. Maybe not. The same thing goes for The History Channel. There was a time when that station was actually informative. Now they show "Secret UFO Files" every night. Bad times.

So really, to this point I have presented nothing positive about cable TV... but I will. A little over a week ago I left home to return to college. College without cable TV (don't ask). Not only can I no longer follow perhaps the greatest Real World cast members of the PTE (Post-Teck Era), but I can't get my 20 minutes of Red Sox/Yankees coverage on Sportscenter every night. Do you realize how terrible this is??!?! I have to follow the pinstripes through the Sportsline.com gamewatch thing. It sucks!


To top this all off, I can't get UPN here through the antenna we have hooked up to the TV in my room. UPN man! I am missing out on so much mediocre urban comedy. I also can't watch "Everybody Hates Chris", which actually is upsetting.

Proof - Filmless Review

Proof stars Gwyneth Paltrow, Jake Gyllenhall and (Sir) Anthony Hopkins. It is the story of a daughter (Gwynnie) and her mathematical genius father (Sir) who is becoming increasingly less predictable with age. One of the genius guy's former students (Bubble Boy) comes around and wants to see stored notebooks of work by his teacher, and along the way tries to boogie-down with his caretaker/offspring... CLASSY.

You know what else is classy? Coldplay. Why are they classy? Because they're British; but also because they make classy music. Classy music like "Yellow" (Walking on a beach in the rain professing your love for someone? CLASSY!), "Clocks" (Piano solo intro? CLASSY!), "The Scientist" (Regret over a ruined relationship? CLASSY!), "Fix You" (Organs or whatever that crap is in the opening? CLASSY!) and "Speed of Sound" (Almost identical to the classy "Clocks"? CLASSY!). Coincidentally, the classy lead singer of that classy ensemble is married the star of this very film. I mean, being married to Gwyneth Paltrow is undeniably classy; even if she did do that movie where she wore a fatsuit and dated Jack Black. She won an Oscar for a movie about William Shakespeare for crying out loud! How classy does it get? Well, this guy... but still.

And to top all of this classiness off; these two had a kid a while back and named it Apple. In truth, this is not very classy at all. I mean, there is nothing redeeming about giving your kids silly names. I can understand if you're doing the Jr/II/III/etc. thing or if you are of an ancestry that you wish to convey (not that I would care to do that, but keep on keeping on) but none of this applies to "Apple". That's just putting your kid through unneeded hardship. It's tough enough to have absurdly famous parents and financial security from birth, but...

Wait a minute.

And finally... classy, classy, classy, classy. That makes it twenty.

Oh, this movie isn't that good. Seems kind of like it tries too hard to be classy. 21!

The Man - Filmless Review

No summer movie season is truly complete without a good two hours of Samuel L. Jackson yelling. He was in Star Wars Episode III, but Mace Windu is too reserved. I need my SLJ fix, and that galaxy far, far away didn't provide it. Here to rectify things is "The Man". In this cinematic monstrosity, Jackson is a federal agent that is forced to work with Joe Everyman (Eugene Levy) when some kind of mistaken identity thing goes down. The trailers have been pretty lame; although I think the poster is ok. You know how these movies go; except this time, the black-white buddy-cop thing is even worse than usual, as "The Man" is currently garnering a 0% Fresh rating at Rotten Tomatoes. That's impressive in its own way.

Samuel L. Jackson movies tend to fall into two categories. The occasional "I'm a serious actor with a broad range... watch me whisper and be pensive" movies, and the much more common "WHITE PEOPLE MAKE ME ANGRY" movies. The question in my mind became, "Are there movies about SLJ yelling at other races?". To IMDB I went.

I decided that I should start out discussing the SLJ movies that I've actually seen, before delving into full-blown conjecture. Let's begin:

Jurassic Park - Security guy at dinosaur amusement park that yells at white people.

Pulp Fiction - Charismatic hit man that yells at white people.

The Great White Hype - Flamboyant boxing promoter that yells at white people.

A Time to Kill - Distraught father that takes the law into his own hands while he yells at white people.

The Negotiator - Double-crossed cop that yells at white people.

Star Wars Episode I - Mace Windu. Little to no yelling at white people.

Deep Blue Sea - Billionaire philanthropist that yells at white people.

Shaft - Come on... HE'S SHAFT!

Changing Lanes - Screwed over regular guy that yells at white people.

Star Wars Episode II - Mace Windu again... Yawn.

Basic - Army sergeant that yells at white people.

Coach Carter - High school basketball coach that yells at black people.

I thought there may have had a disturbing trend going until I hit that last one. To be fair (As if I care), he was in "Unbreakable" and did very little yelling. I could go into a big thing about Hollywood typecasting and the repetition of cliched characters in studio films... But again, I don't really care. Watching Samuel L. Jackson yell at people is entertaining, I just think he should broaden his yelling horizons. Does he yell at people in "The Man"? Probably; but it stinks really bad either way.

Jessica Alba Should Learn How To Act At Some Point

Jessica Alba is really attractive. I'm aware of this. I'm also aware of the fact that she is one of the worst actresses to ever get consistent film work in the history of mainstream motion pictures (And in all likelihood there are a number of porn stars out there that could have done a better job with Dark Angel... that show was really bad). It has gotten to the point where she seems to have given up on herself. Her last three roles have been as a hip-hop dancer in Honey, the cowgirl stripper in Sin City, and the Invisible Woman in Fantastic Four; And next up is a star-turn as half-naked beach lady in Into the Blue. The Playboy shoot draws near.

A lot of people couldn't care less whether Jessica Alba even had dialogue; as long as some of her clothing is removed over the course of the 90 minutes. That's cool, but I need a dash of substance to be incorporated somewhere. She's not even very good at things like presenting B-level awards (her cue card reading is painful) or hosting crappy cable-network compilation shows. In a way, she is very reminiscent of Jennifer Love Hewitt; with the differences being that Hewitt's mediocre acting skills dwarf Alba's and that her work on "VH1's Top 100 Love Songs" was awe-inspiring. Ms. Alba needs to make a life decision; either dedicate herself to becoming a passable thespian (ACTING CLASSES?) or start looking into things like that Wheel of Fortune letter-turning gig where she isn't forced to open her mouth.