X-Men 3

I really enjoyed this one. Now, some people, including some of those I saw this with, will have a problem with the liberties taken with the storyline to put together a film version that works. I've always felt that film adaptations are meant to be interpretations of the soure material, rather than a blow-by-blow reenactment. In that sense, I had little problem with what went down here. Shock? At times, yes. Resentment or anger? No.

However, I don't want to give the impression that I would agree with just anything. I've heard stories about early drafts of the new Superman movies that involved radical changes to the costume and his powers. I don't even like Superman (I guess you wouldn't pick that up from the 19 posts I've made about the new movie), but I would have had a problem dealing with that. Deviation from the canon is fine, i.e. Spiderman having organic webbing, but I don't want to see him flying and shooting fireballs or something stupid like that.

This is apparently the biggest movie ever, so you'll probably have your own views on what happened. I don't want to spoil the plot, so let's just say that it was "eventful". There was less attention paid to developing the story than in 1 and 2, but this is just something that we had to expect from Brett Ratner. He can blow things up well, and construct the huge, sweeping, epic scene... but don't ask the man to flesh-out a character.

It also felt like it could have been longer, which is a RARE feeling to leave a theater with. Word on the internets is that a lot of footage was cut from the final version, including a lot of character development- especially around Collusus. Director's Cut DVD anyone?


Rating: 8/10

In Other News... She Punches Like A Girl

But boy does she do it in style! I'm sure everyone and their sociopathic mom has seen this piece of video before... but not like this.

By the way, if you've ever wondered what "punching like a girl" is supposed to mean, take notes now. With proper form, she could have at least taken a few teeth out.






I keep telling myself that I hate this song, but it won't stay dead.

The 80s Were Terrible: #4

The Internets

Imagine being an adolescent in say... 1985. What do you do? Everyone in pro sports is either a coke-head or a 'roid-rager, and the transcendent 1986 Mets team (with coke falling out of their ears) hasn't happened yet. Sports are out.

As previously mentioned, since these are the 80s, all of the music sucks and your clothes are ugly. Two more strikes.

I guess you can go watch some movies; (this is the only cultural area where the 80s can stand up a bit) not that Sixteen Candles and Young John Cusack movies are examples of fine cinema, but at least they weren't bad.

What I'm getting at is that you won't see "facebook stalk that girl in ec class", or "post another incredibly self-indulgent blog entry" pop up on the list of things to do, since there was a distinct lack of internets at this time. What we do know is that the 80s were when the embryonic internets were being developed, so I'm gonna go ahead and blame them for it. Remember, no research happening here.

Some of you may be thinking that the internets are a good thing. They allow you to do things like stalk that girl in ec class that wears her hair to the side in that certain sexy way, you know, the one with the wal... sorry. Umm, I mean, they let you access important information so quickly! And connect to people across the globe that you would never meet otherwise! Two problems:

1. If you need to research for an academic paper, you should probably be going to the library, not sitting on your couch trolling wikipedia in one window while "kitten cannon" runs in another background.

2. Pretty much everyone on the internet is male, white, 13 years old, and from Arizona. Sorry, that's how it is, and all of those "Swedish people" you meet on the internet are just the aforementioned 13 year olds looking for cybersex. You're not breaking any cultural barriers... that is unless you're one of those a-holes that has a thing against Tempe. I SEE YOU.


So I have completely discredited any attempts to credit the internet with anything even remotely positive. The next step is to show that it is actually a detriment to society.

MySpace. If you watch Dateline NBC you know that MySpace consists entirely of two userbases: 1) Delinquent, over-sexed 12 year old girls posting thong pics on their little personal page next to embedded Fall Out Boy videos and 2) 32 year old truckers trying* to have sex with those 12 year old delinquents.

This is seriously the most disturbing thing happening in our society right now. The fact that only Dateline has been brave enough to take on and present this to a national audience sickens me, and leads me to strongly question the integrity of our media today.

I mean, Fall Out Boy sucks really badly.**



* - Not so much "trying" as "doing it with ease on a regular basis"

** - This is a joke, people. Embedded video content that auto-plays when you open a page sucks too.

*** - Pedophilia is very bad.

Haiku Korner Strikes Back

Of all the "features" that run here at the Un (rhyme!), Haiku Korner may be my favorite. Mocking poetry is one of my pastimes, right up there with being souless and alone. These two are probably not related.

This edition of HK comes to you courtesy of the comment bots that hit the site recently:


Comment bot thingys
Your words are so vague, yet keen
Though false, ego thrives

Superman Returns Day

A new one sheet for Superman Returns. More messianic poses, more shiny/greasy hair. I like it!

I explained earlier that I am excited for this movie to an extent that I didn't expect at all. Maybe it's my inner child taking one last gasp... or my hatred of Superman was really a lame form of rebellion that has been tossed aside as I've aged.

Superman Returns... to film promotion

Both the delightfully messianic teaser from last August, and the slightly less cool trailer most recently released.




Needs more allusions to Jesus




That's more like it. HE GAVE US HIS ONLY SON!

Lois Lane Looks Ridiculous

I must admit, I'm pretty darn excited about Superman Returns. I'm not sure why either, because I've always considered the whole Superman thing to be pretty lame. The fact that he's essentially invincible kinda takes the fun out of it for me. As does the utter lameness of his interest in journalism. Puh-leeze.

But let's get down to the objectification of women.

Kate Bosworth has been cast as Lois Lane. Since I'm not a big watcher of teen-girl romantic dramas or surfing movies, I've never seen her act in anything.

However, when I heard about the choice, I figured that she would at least provide some eye candy between shots of Supes being messianic and Kevin Spacey hamming it up with a haircut that no living being could possibly avoid staring at in every scene.

Well, let's just say that Bosworth's move to brunette for this role hasn't done her much good. I'm not going to say she looks bad, but she certainly doesn't look like this:







Wikipedia says she was admitted to Princeton as a 16 year old and continues to defer her entry. Then again, Wikipedia says a lot of things. Maybe the professors in Jersey will teach her not to dye her hair again. OH SNAP!

The DaVinci Code

These things are already reviews of movies that I haven't seen... but in this very special edition of Filmless Review, I write about a movie that I haven't seen based on a book that I owned and never read. You are truly holding the hand of greatness right now.

Aren't we all just a little tired of Tom Hanks? I know he won 7 Best Actors in a row or something, but is it that hard to find another semi-normal, non-threatening guy with decent acting chops? I'm not entirely sure (since I didn't read the book or see the movie... duh) but I'm going to go out on a limb and say he has some romantic contact with Audrey Tautou (the scared young woman next to the creepy old dude in the picture) in this one as well. Considering that Tom is like 73 years old now, that's a little creepy. I'm talking Harrison Ford-Calista Flockhart creepy. I could turn this entry into a thing about double standards in Hollywood and how women are pushed out the second they stop looking Botox-fresh while men hang on for Anthonyhopkinsian periods of time...

But I'm no hero

Anyway, there's a movie to review. The trailers are kind of boring, and the incredibly pale Paul Bettany in makeup meant to make him look like an albino monk is simaltenously hilarious and disturbing. I'm also conditioned to believe that any piece of contemporary literature that sells this well is a steaming pile of crap. At the same time, I need to commend anything that gets large religious institutions to launch attacks on artistic works, because I long for a return to the Crusades. We're getting oh so close people. *fingers crossed*

For that, Da Vinci gets my stamp of approval, in the form of this nauseating piece of artwork:

WE ARE ALL WITNESSES

And now it's a 3-game series.

The Hobo should have known not to pull one of his GuaranSheed™ things on King James:




And where is Gilbert now? Exactly.

The 80s Were Terrible: #5

NWA


No, no, no Mr. Dre... Express YO' Self.



Influential artists... wah, wah, wah. Here's the deal: Does it matter that you're influential when that influence is so poor? NWA did not create "gangsta rap" (I would add something like 'credit for that one goes to...', but God forbid I do research for one of these entries. Oh, what is that? Yeah... keep reading please), but they sure did popularize it.

Much like you, faceless internet person, I enjoy the occasional ode to bustin' caps in hoes and jackin' ice... but I also recognize the fact that we would all probably be better off without it. I could do a whole spiel about how this kind of negative imagery has infected urban culture and the young, largely minority youth that is bred from that culture, creating a vicious cycle of rewarded anti-social behavior that drags down young person after young person...


But I'm No Hero


So I'll say that I would really enjoy it if Kanye West were allowed to make his soft, harmonic rap records and wear tiny jackets in peace. The man gave you half of that awesome Jarhead trailer... can't you let him dress comically? Michael Jackson wore a single white glove and red leather for 10 years and was pretty much the baddest man on the planet.

Sure, years later we learned that he enjoyed the company of young boys in a very special way... but he was cool at the time, dammit.

NWA took our tiny jackets. For that they must pay.

GuaranSheed™

The Hobo was at it again after bearing witness on Saturday night:

"I know we're going to win it," Wallace said sitting on the scorer's table following Sunday practice at Quicken Loans Arena. "We're going to bust their [butt]. Tomorrow night is the last game here in this building for this year."

Wallace has a history of getting zany in the playoffs and running off at the mouth:

"It ain't bulletin board material, it's a fact," he said bluntly. "They can put it on the bulletin board. They can put it on a video. I don't care. I know what we're capable of doing, that's all that it is."

Of course, his buddies had to stand up for him in a show of faux unity:

"You have to go out there and play even harder and get a win for him," Richard Hamilton said. "We have to have his back, do what we do, and get a win."

But here is where things get interesting:

"There's only one team out there, two teams tops, that can really give us that good challenge that it's like, 'All right, we know we can't make no mistakes against those teams,"' he said.

The Cavaliers aren't one?

"Nah," he said.

Ok, first of all, that was both hilarious and one of the worst shows of sportmanship ever. He basically just said "We can play like crap and still beat the LeBrons".

Number two... who is he talking about? Obviously we must assume that he was talking about the Spurs in his original statement-- they did knock off the Pistons in last year's NBA Finals. But which is the mystery team that he felt the need to tack on at the last second? In all likelyhood it was Miami or Dallas. We can further narrow things down by simply recognizing the fact that Antoine Walker plays for the Heat, making them ineligible for serious championship contention.

Full Story on SI.com

And Now a Disturbing Word From Our Sponsors

After you finish vomiting and/or crying, you're going to be like, "how the hell does this sell a product?"

Welcome to the world of Viral Marketing! It's not about the product! It's about getting you to recognize and distribute the ad across the internets... which I just did. I'm such a corporate whore!

After you've seen the ad and emptied your digestive tract, you'll feel compelled to find out who is to blame for this mess you just created on your rug. When you finally do figure out who did it, you'll have put enough effort into the quest that the message will be seared into your brain. You'll also feel the need to justify your efforts by dropping lots of cash on fine Adidas mechandise.

In case you were wondering, these are for Adidas' adicolor line of shoes that come with a paint set and you add your own designs to. You can catch the whole series here.

I AM A WITNESS

I generally am part of that secondary backlash against overhyped athletes... but not this time, baby! I am fully versed in the gospel of King James. Tonight in Cleveland, the Cavaliers staved off the Pistons' attempts to go up 3-0 in this Eastern Conference Semifinal with an 86-77 win that required a 4th quarter comeback from ten points down. LeBron's contribution?


21 points (15 in the 4th), 10 rebounds, 10 assists


This despite the best efforts of Curious George to stop him. When contacted, The Man in the Yellow Hat had no comment.


Handy multimedia accompaniment, and a great commercial to boot:




I would seriously be tempted to buy a DVD of Nike advertisements. These images of Cleveland are so gritty and urban and heartfelt... and REAL. The pulsing soundtrack just helps to convey that hunger, and LeBron serves as a light, shining on the desolate metropolis. Bringing promises-- hopes and dreams. His love truly lifts us up where we belong.

AHHHHH!!! CAPITALISM IS SO ENTERTAINING!

X-Men: The Last Stand

From that director of Rush Hour comes an even more absurd plot... and Chris Tucker as Jackie Chan's police partner and buddy is pretty damn absurd.

I think this one is about some kind of mutant registration program that the X-Men and their supposed enemies, led by Magneto (Ian McKellen) join forced to fight again.

Actually, now that I've read the plot spoilers on Wikipedia, I seem to have no idea what it's about.

What I do know is that Kelsey Grammer looks totally ridic as Beast. If this were a cartoon, Grammer would be a great choice, since he sounds all bookish and the like. Unfortunantely, this is live-action, and Kelsey is an old man in a blue fur suit.

I also know that Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) goes all Phoenix on us for this one. That's a definite plus, since we all know that the pinnacle of children's television in the 90s was The Phoenix Saga on Fox Kids's X-Men animated series.

Sounds cool, right? Here's the kicker... Brett Ratner is a hack. I'm pretty confident that this movie will suck, but Superman Returns and its promises of greatness will be just a few short weeks away. If X-Men is that bad, I'll be able to wash out the taste of cinematic ass pretty shortly.

Also notice how prominently Wolverine/Hugh Jackman is featured in this movie's promotional materials. Word on "the street" is that a Wolverine solo film is in the works. That'll probably blow too.

I'm actually going to see this one soon, so stay tuned people for a real review!

I Haven't Heard Enough About Meth Yet

More meth-mouth misinformation. By Jack Shafer


Whoa, I can hear about meth users' teeth too??? AWESOME!!! This is actually fairly interesting, in a "I like to read things that contain technical jargon so that I can feel more intelligent when I'm done" kind of way, but I'm not exactly sure why I care. Oh, don't get me wrong, I don't like to see people succumb to "the snake" as I and other super-cool people call it, but their oral hygeine is not my #1 concern.

I heard a story recently about one of my friends getting carded at the pharmacy because (s)he wanted to buy cough syrup. That is just wrong. So what if I want to buy liquid cocaine? Does that give you any right to question me about it? I think this was meth related, but I'm not sure.

Pop UnRant: Embedded A/V Ad in AIM

Screw you, little yellow AIM dude

Look, I totally understand that you want to make money off of your product. Hell, I don't know what I would do without my leopard-skin tube socks... and believe you me, those things don't come cheap.

HOWEVA, I do not "understand" putting this obnoxious ad for Poseidon in my buddy list, which conveniently (and mysteriously) continues to play and be obnoxious even when the rest of the program has crashed and ceases to do anything besides eat up system resources and play Josh Lucas screaming something about people dying in a crappy remake of a movie I've never seen. If this crap happens one more time I swear I'm gonna... do nothing, since this program is ubiquitous and doing away with it would be akin to doing without a telephone.

Just know that I'm not happy about it... jerk.

Traffic Envy

So I applied for one of those Google Analytics accounts like, ten years ago. Imagine my surprise when I retreived my e-mail yesterday and saw that my application had finally gone through. I have no idea why they would take on my crappy site, but whatevs. Google is tracking each and every one of you that roll through these parts. You should only be mildly afraid. Sure, Google has all kinds of personal and potentially damaging info on you- but you can't really do anything about it either. Give in to The Man! Remember, Google's inroads on your personal life are done in the name of progress. The evil ones are Microsoft.

So along with this Analytics account came a new confrontation with the state of this blog. To be blunt... nobody reads it. I really shouldn't care, since I'm not running ads or anything- but I sure do. Sure, I could put more effort into spreading word and exchanging links and such... but I'm not going to. The brilliant content should be enough.

For example, I'm pretty sure this guy's blog gets a good deal more traffic than mine. He updates more regularly, and posts stuff that's probably a lot more interesting to read, but here's the thing... I started first. What more can I do, people?

I don't really have a point. If anything, it was that Google now knows where you live, what browser you're using, and that you were searching for nude pictures of Red Ranger Slavco when you ended up here. Take comfort in that.

What's a Little Spying Between Friends?

I'm not sure how I feel about things like this. My rational side says "they're not really doing anything with the records, and I have nothing to worry about personally."

Then my nutty, uber-lib, delightfully irrational side says "THIS IS AMERICA PEOPLE! THOSE WHO TRADE LIBERTY FOR SECURITY DESERVE NEITHER! GIVE ME A HELL YEAH!"

So, you can see why I'm torn.

Should I really care that George Bush knows that I ordered a pizza last week? Not really... unless of course he notices that I ordered three pizzas last week. That's kind of pathetic, and I can't have Dubya looking down on me. He also wouldn't be too happy with my love of Hawaiian-style.

Ok, seriously. Nobody likes Hawaiian pizza. Nobody. I have no idea why they offer it. A pizza place shouldn't even have pineapples on the premises, let alone be willing to throw those things onto a pie.

Anyway, here's the real deal. This is a non-issue that will make for excellent "The Dems Hate America" material in November when Karl Rove and his hell-demons trot out the scare tactics and spin this as the left being soft on national security. There are two options:

1. Don't let this happen... focus on the lying about Iraq, lobbying scandals and massive deficit.

2. Let the GOP dictate everything in the arena, right down to what they do and do not get called out on in the national media- lose AGAIN.

Yeah... Sony is Screwed

So the Playstatation 3 will be $499.99 for the most basic configuration and $599.99 for the "premium" one.

What the hell is this?

And what makes Sony think that I'm going to pay that much for a minor graphical update and a silver paint job? This company better hope Spiderman 3 makes like 9 billion dollars, because I see Mr. Bankruptcy cracking his knuckles in the corner.

You know, I remember a time when consoles were the everyman's alternative to gaming on personal computers. You know, everyone isn't willing to be on constant alert for the newest videocard or to be on a neverending quest for more RAM. Consoles will always have that over the PC market... but let's think about this for a moment.

If I'm* willing to drop $600 on a videogame console... money that could easily buy 139 Slinkies (and remember, only one of these two walks down stairs without a care), I'm probably willing to drop the cash it would take to put together a respectable gaming rig and take the customization and graphical advantages to boot.

We should also note that the next time prices drop from one console generation to the next will be the first time. What does this mean? It means we're rapidly approaching a point where the price of console gaming no longer holds a large advantage over pc gaming. What is better than watching an industry cannibalize itself in an orgy of greed?

Nothing


* - I'm in a universal sense... sure as hell not me personally

Don't Call it a Comeback...

Yeah, I (we) haven't been posting in a loooooong time. Sorry about that. Hey, life takes time, alright?


Stay tuned for the Summer of George. Play the video for added effect.