In theory, every parent wants the best for their child. I mean, even the most neglectful parent isn't interested in being hit with a criminal negligence charge and jail time for being too lazy to keep their baby alive. That means that even the worst parents are forced to put in a good deal of effort-- and if you're gonna go through all of that, you might as well raise a good one, right? The thing is, many parents, even ones that do genuinely care about raising upstanding kids, make critical errors EARLY in the game.
They give their kids terrible names.
I touched on this previously in the Proof review, where I slammed Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin for naming their kid Apple. In all seriousness, that was a stretch. Apple is a strange name, but not too terrible of one. It'll bring on some schoolyard heckling, and maybe a beating or two, but the little lady should be fine. However, there are same names that should draw some kind of monetary fine in an attempt to curb bad parenting. I can't prove this, but it just seems to me (and of course, everyone else) that certain types of names go a long way towards shaping the person that child ends up being.
1. Old, Stodgy, Obsolete Names: Abraham, Maximilian, Bartholomew
I don't care if there's a biblical origin, some kind of family history, whatever. If you name your son Phineus, he's in trouble. He's not going to get light Apple-type needling; he's going to get non-stop criticism that will invariably turn him into a cold, hardened, souless asshole. Do you want that? Bartholomew is slightly better since it's also the name of a famous cartoon character-- but that will bring its own problems. Just don't do it.
2. Old Woman Names: Mildred, Gertrude, Ida
Again, I don't care where the name comes from. You know what happens to a little girl named Gertrude? She gets treated like a Gertrude. That means like an old woman. This is not good times. No matter how many scantily-clad pictures Gerty puts up on MySpace/Facebook, she's still going to be expected to wear a bonnet and a girdle. Your daughter will not appreciate it. There's also a 75% chance she becomes an alcoholic trying to show that she's nothing like her name makes her out to be.
3. Cute Names: Brittany, Kaylee, Tammy
This seems like a good idea when you have a baby coming home and waking you up everynight, or a toddler running around breaking everything because it reminds you "hey, this thing is kind of cute... I won't strangle it yet". First of all, I do not support infanticide, so you're a horrible person. Second, you shouldn't need a cutesy name to keep yourself from murdering a small child-- again, terrible person. These names even work in high school. Isn't "Brittany" just the perfect cheerleader name? Cheerleaders run the universe, so this isn't necessarily a bad thing. The problem arises years later, when "Tammy" is trying to become a partner at a law firm, or "Kaylee" is running for senate. Worst of all, Grandma Brittany just doesn't look, feel or sound right. All grandmas should have the names listed under #2. If you're going to go this route, make sure to give a neutral middle name, so that your baby has a choice later on. Think... "Mary" or "Elizabeth".
4. Hot Names: Amber, Summer, Autumn
These names just put too much pressure on a child. Your kid is going to go through life being expected to be a bombshell, and if the cards don't fall right, she's going to have some awkward first impressions. It's also scientific fact that these names raise your child's chances of working in the sex industry 500%.
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