Mark Warner Is Too Creepy-Looking to be President

I hate to steer this thing towards politics... but too bad. This is Governor Mark Warner of Virginia. Warner is shaping up to be Sen. Hillary Clinton's main competition for the Democratic nomination in the 2008 Presidential election (the one that the Democrat, whoever it is, has NO EXCUSE to lose... NONE). What makes Warner appealing? Well, he's insanely popular as a Democrat in what has been a strong Red State, he's wealthy, he's building up a war chest, and he's relatively young. Yeah, whatever.

Look, I'm going to square with you. My biggest problem with Mark Warner is that he's not Hillary Clinton. I'm on her side big-time. She went to NY under heavy fire for being a political oppertunist and a carpetbagger and has done nothing but succeed despite that. She's very popular, even in that mysterious "upstate" region that includes roughly 85% of the state geographically. Not being Hillary Clinton isn't really a problem that Warner can address. I apologize. My second problem with the governor is also one that he can't really address... Dude looks friggin' creepy.

In a perfect world, the looks of a candidate wouldn't matter. The platform presented, mastery of the issues and ability to lead would be the criteria upon which to base our votes. Well, in a perfect world a woman, black, asian, hispanic, jewish or gay person would have been president by now. Excuse me while I step away from the keyboard to laugh hysterically.

Ok, back. The point is that this world is not perfect, and contrary to popular belief, Mark Warner isn't either. John Kerry's resemblance to those talking trees in the Wizard of Oz had just as much to do with his loss as a complete failure to establish a message and snooty know-it-all image. Michael Dukakis' absurd eyebrows were just as damaging as his decision to go GI Joe in front of a camera crew. Bob Dole looked like he could barely stay awake, how the hell could he fight the terrorists and such? I fear that some of our greatest presidents wouldn't be able to make the cut today with all of the media focus. Honest Abe looked like an early prototype for Dr. Frankenstein. I'm not even sure that Teddy Roosevelt was a real person; in fact the cartoons that I see of him now sometimes bear a closer resemblance to actual humanity than real photographs. Let's not even get started on Taft.

So, when you enter that voting booth in the Democratic primaries in 2008, remember; you're going to have to see closeups of this guy's face on a regular basis for at least four years. Wouldn't you rather see this?