Chronicles of Narnia - Filmless Review

This week I'm going to do two filmless reviews. One, because I haven't done a review in so long. Two, because they're both film adaptations of books that I never read. Three, because I have very little to talk about so these will be shorter entries than I would like. Anyway...


The Chronicles of Narnia are some fantasy books written by C.S. Lewis and released in the 1950s that seem to have a following amongst people somewhere. I've never been into the fantasy genre, so I could easily start lambasting this stuff right now, but that would be unfair. Instead I will just say that I see a talking lion in all of the trailers, and that immediately prevents me from even considering a ticket buy. The "CON" are really a series of seven books, and quite literally follow the Chronicles of Narnia. While this undoubtedly yields a depth of exploration and understanding that any single text would be incapable to convey, it also makes my attempts to summarize plot impossible. There's something about some kids that travel to this mythical land of Narnia and fight for its freedom... and along the way encounter talking animals. Good times.

Uh, the reviews look pretty good, and the special effects look decent. That poster is also damn cool. What the hell, I recommend it (if you're into this stuff, which I am not... so I guess I don't recommend it)


Memoirs of a Geisha soon... maybe even today!

The 80s Were Terrible: #10

I shouldn't even have to bother writing this. The 80s being a travesty as a whole should be understood and universally accepted. Frankly, I hear way too much positivity about the 80s, and it makes me sick to my stomach. The decade was so terrible, that I will make a ten-part series on their assiness. Some will say that this is just an thinly veiled attempt to stretch content because I update the site so lacksadasically as it is... I will say shut up and enjoy.





The Tenth Worst Thing About the 80s: Fashion/Style

All you really need to do is watch the Thriller video and notice how ridiculous everyone looks. Yeah, I know he's Michael Jackson and he's "the shit" (or at least he was), but the guy is wearing a tiny red leather jacket/pant set full of zippers. Are you kidding me? People also need to realize tha a lot of the lame fashion that gets asociated with the 90s are actually 80s fashions sloppily conveyed to the public by the mainstream media. Remember, MTV (one of the few good things about the 80s, along with Eddie Murphy, Ferris Bueller and my birth) didn't get started until about halfway through, and didn't hit its stride until the Real World Revolution, so we were largely counting on old stuffy TV executives to spread pop culture. Of course they were about 2 years behind on everything. I refuse to accept fanny packs or acid-wash jeans as works of the 90s.

Oh, it goes on. Mullets, jheri curls, mohawks, this crap, all popularized in the 80s. Mullets alone should get this tagged as the worst decade ever. You ever see one of those 80s parties held? You notice how ridiculous everyone has to make themselves look to really acheive that "80s vibe"? Well there you friggin' go. Right now you could go hit Google image search and find pictures of Madonna wearing like 47 little bracelets on each arm; and being cool because of that. This is when L.A. Gear happened dammit!

You Killed My Childhood, I Kill Your Retirement

I put up a brave front when asked about steroid use in professional sports, (note that I say PROFESSIONAL SPORTS; 80% of the NFL is on steroids, and Antoine Walker's head is just way too big*) usually going with the old "Oh, I knew it anyway" bit. The thing is... I didn't. I wanted to believe that I was maybe watching a renaissance in the game, following up a dreary 1980s (which sucked for so many reasons) with a new decade of home run records, Yankee championships, and... labor strikes? Scratch the last one.

When Mark McGwire cracked that 62nd home run, I was 12 years old and watching on TV from a hotel room in Virginia during a vacation; and it was great. Not just because Mark was giving me the chance to witness true baseball history, but also because Sammy Sosa was annoying as hell and was the main competitor for the record. As you must know, the facade has begun to crumble recently. The allegations and suspicions were out there, but then Jose Canseco blew the lid off the whole thing and started naming names. Mark McGwire, Pudge Rodriguez, Rafael Palmiero, etc. This was followed by the first season of steroid testing in Major League Baseball, which kicked off with no-names and a bunch of minor-leaguers getting fingered until the main course hit the table; Rafael Palmiero's head on a platter.

This was a man that had been classy enough to have been featured in Viagra commercials. This was the guy that was successful because of a sweet swing and guile, not one of those Popeye physiques. This was the guy that had waved his finger in the nation's face in a congressional hearing on steroid use in baseball shortly before the season began; making it crystal clear that he HAD NOT used steroids. Well, not only had Raffy used steroids, but he had used HORSE steroids. Screw you Raffy.

Mark Starr of Newsweek discusses the upcoming Hall of Fame elections, and gets into the fact that next year's ballot will be headlined by, amongst others, Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco. McGwire didn't exactly admit to steroid use, but I think I can gather some things from that joke of a performance he put on during the aforementioned congressional hearing. In case you weren't watching, McGwire broke down like a kiddy that got his bike jacked in the playground repeatedly as the congressmen peppered him with questions about his potential 'roiding. "Big Mac" can go take a long walk off a short pier... with a pulled grenade in his pocket. As for Jose, I would almost want him granted an induction just for making Palmiero look like a jackass. He has done more for baseball with his loudmouth and ghostwritten memoir than 99% of the guys in the game will ever be able to match.

I'm saying it, if you were caught 'roiding, or even strongly suspected of 'roiding, you need to be barred from the Hall (unless you're our hero Jose). Innocent until proven guilty, schminnocent(?) until guilty. This isn't a murder trial, this is a game that you have brought shame to. Palmiero, Bonds, McGwire, Sosa... you can all see your ways out.

As for Jim Rice getting into the Hall; let me put it this way. If he were a Yankee I'd be clamoring for it, but since he's a Red Sock (and a fairly large a-hole at that), I say he waits in line behind Donnie Baseball.


* - just kidding about 'Toine, don't sue me

Pep Talk

This place has gone unloved for far too long. We have both dropped the proverbial ball, and QUITE FRANKLY I'm not happy about it. Yeah, I know... we have school and all that garbage. You know what I say? MAN UP. What is more important... this site, or your future career? That's what I thought. Let me quote a great philosopher:

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

Two things.

1. I have always wanted to use that quoting stuff in a post, but never had a reason to. Well, BAM. It happened. Live it up.

2. That's from an Eminem song. See, I called him a "great philosopher". That's the joke. Frickin' funny, right? RIGHT? That's what I thought.

Back in my day we had to walk 10 miles through the snow in 110 degree weather to update our blogs. Now you snot-nosed kids have intraweb access in your damn room. No excuses, never surrender, push the envelope, feel the burn, taste the rainbow, etc. If you get thrown off the horse and shatter your tibia into 9 pieces, what do you do? WALK IT OFF. YEAH! YES! THIS IS IT! THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! Now. Right frickin' now. Listen up.

Filmless Reviews EVERY THURSDAY. No excuses. Sleepy? FILMLESS REVIEW. Midterm? FILMLESS REVIEW. Bird Flu? FILMLESS REVIEW. Alien invasion? FILMLESS REVIEW. If I fail to do this, you have permission to walk into my room and stab me in the gut. No questions asked. Oh, where do I live? Don't worry about it.

It's the least I can do. Quinn for Heisman, Hillary '08, Feliz Navidad, Boo-Yah.

Jarhead - Filmless Review

And #10 at that...


In reality, having the 10th Filmless Review be a review of a film that I actually watched isn't particularly true to the concept of the feature... but I have decided not to care.

Jarhead is a film adaptation of former US Marine Anthony Swofford's 2003 novel Jarhead: A Marine's Chronicle of the Gulf War and Other Battles. It tells Swofford's story of being a 20 year old man thrust into the life of a Marine; from boot camp to the Gulf War. All you should need to know is that it was directed by the same guy that did American Beauty... but I will go on anyway.

Jake Gyllenhall, last seen luring an elderly man's daughter from her caretaking work in Proof, stars as Swofford. We are provided with a gritty look at the realities of his choice Swofford loses his girlfriend, his belief in the cause, and to some extent, his mind. One of the common complaints that I have in other reviews is that the story doesn't really go anywhere. This is true to an extent; the ending (The end of the war... duh) really has very little to do with the story being told throughout. This is an exploration of the characters and the toll that war takes on their psyches, not the events of the war themselves. At this point, I'm going to have to press the brakes on this review because it has gotten WAY too serious.

Today's tangential point that derails a review will be movie trailers. Along with that "nothing happens" complaint, I have also seen reviewers complaining about a lack of action in Jarhead. From a factual standpoint this is true; Jarhead has very little action... in fact, that is a point that is touched upon in the film itself (not going to ruin it... or maybe I did already). My question is this; how can you ever complain about a movie having "too little action"? Who decided that this was supposed to be an action movie at all? Oh... I know, the marketing team. The trailers of Jarhead definitely implied that there was some Rambo-lite stuff going down. Totally didn't happen. If marketing people weren't so stupid, Jarhead would be a bit higher than 56% on RottenTomatoes. Hey, what do I know? Maybe the false-marketing campaign pushed more tickets this week; I know I had a crappy seat because the theater I sat in was packed. Then again, I have reason to believe that those attendance numbers were inflated by the proximity to a college campus full of uber-liberals that salivate at the thought of the military being criticized*... so take that with a grain of salt. We'll see when the box-office charts come out in a couple of days. I suppose I should give some kind of assessment of the movie as a whole. I liked it a lot. Probably the best movie I've seen this year... unless I saw The Aviator in January and not December. Don't really remember.






* - Monticello is a registered Democrat