Mark Warner Is Too Creepy-Looking to be President

I hate to steer this thing towards politics... but too bad. This is Governor Mark Warner of Virginia. Warner is shaping up to be Sen. Hillary Clinton's main competition for the Democratic nomination in the 2008 Presidential election (the one that the Democrat, whoever it is, has NO EXCUSE to lose... NONE). What makes Warner appealing? Well, he's insanely popular as a Democrat in what has been a strong Red State, he's wealthy, he's building up a war chest, and he's relatively young. Yeah, whatever.

Look, I'm going to square with you. My biggest problem with Mark Warner is that he's not Hillary Clinton. I'm on her side big-time. She went to NY under heavy fire for being a political oppertunist and a carpetbagger and has done nothing but succeed despite that. She's very popular, even in that mysterious "upstate" region that includes roughly 85% of the state geographically. Not being Hillary Clinton isn't really a problem that Warner can address. I apologize. My second problem with the governor is also one that he can't really address... Dude looks friggin' creepy.

In a perfect world, the looks of a candidate wouldn't matter. The platform presented, mastery of the issues and ability to lead would be the criteria upon which to base our votes. Well, in a perfect world a woman, black, asian, hispanic, jewish or gay person would have been president by now. Excuse me while I step away from the keyboard to laugh hysterically.

Ok, back. The point is that this world is not perfect, and contrary to popular belief, Mark Warner isn't either. John Kerry's resemblance to those talking trees in the Wizard of Oz had just as much to do with his loss as a complete failure to establish a message and snooty know-it-all image. Michael Dukakis' absurd eyebrows were just as damaging as his decision to go GI Joe in front of a camera crew. Bob Dole looked like he could barely stay awake, how the hell could he fight the terrorists and such? I fear that some of our greatest presidents wouldn't be able to make the cut today with all of the media focus. Honest Abe looked like an early prototype for Dr. Frankenstein. I'm not even sure that Teddy Roosevelt was a real person; in fact the cartoons that I see of him now sometimes bear a closer resemblance to actual humanity than real photographs. Let's not even get started on Taft.

So, when you enter that voting booth in the Democratic primaries in 2008, remember; you're going to have to see closeups of this guy's face on a regular basis for at least four years. Wouldn't you rather see this?

The 80s Were Terrible: #7

Another day, another reason why the 80s blew. Oftentimes I wish I were younger just so I could say that I had no connection to the 80s at all, then I realize that I would have missed out on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which is today's ok thing about the 80s. Of course, these cool things combined don't even counteract a single Wham! song, so the decade loses as a whole. Today's issue with the 80s is a matter of national pride.





The Seventh Worst Thing About The 1980s: Olympic Boycotts

In 1980, President Jimmy Carter decided to boycott the summer Olympics due to the USSR's decision to invade Afghanistan in 1979. Was this in the spirit of the games as a two-week period where politics don't matter? Hell no, but Jimmy Carter was a badass and would take no gruff. That invasion greatly contributed to the terrorism coming of of the mideast currently, so he was probably right in his decision. Some of the less badass nations like France and the UK didn't fully back the boycott (they did send smaller delegations than usual... but that defeats the purpose of a boycott), but many nations did. In retaliation, the USSR and its associates (you know the rundown) boycotted the 1984 Games held in Los Angeles, CA. While the US's boycott was principled and awesome, the USSR boycott was whiny and spiteful. At least that's what Uncle Sam tells me. I'm sure Americans just ignored the '80 Olympics, and since we were ridiculously dominant without the #2 world power present at the '84 games, I'm sure we didn't care again.

The biggest loss here? National pride. This stuff went down in the midst of the Cold War, and a little athletic beatdown would have accelerated the Soviet Union's deterioration. I'm going to say these events (the boycotts) cost the nation 2-3 years of effort and hundreds of millions of dollars, although the LA Olympics were the first (only?)* to ever run a profit...

(NO OLYMPICS IN NEW YORK CITY)




* - in no way was this "fact" verified, well the part about being the first was, but not the only

The 80s Were Terrible: #8

In my continued crusade against all things 80s, we now look at a particular film. I would argue that The Fast and the Furious was one of the worst things to ever happen to this country, as it led to reckless driving and semi-legitimacy for Paul Walker. Well, this one is kind of the TFATF for the 80s. But first, as promised, a positive from the 80s: Super Bowl XXI








Eighth Worst Thing About The 1980s: Scarface

Let me explain myself. I've seen Scarface, and I enjoyed it. Who doesn't like a good Scarface impression? Plus it had a young Michelle Pfeiffer looking just strung out enough, but not to the point where you felt like she would make important parts of your anatomy spontaneously combust on contact. The incestuous undertones were weird, but whatever.

I have two issues here:

1. Scarface is not THAT good
Like I said, I've seen the movie, and I enjoyed it. I've also seen things like "Just Friends" and "Zoolander" and enjoyed those as well. These are not good works of cinema, they were just nice mental getaways. I consider Scarface to be the same thing. Tony Montana's accent is ridiculous. Ridiculously funny and entertaining, yes, but ridiculous nonetheless. The storyline is kind of stupid, and the ending is beyond laughable. Again, entertaining, but entertaining in the same way that shooting down helicopters in Grand Theft Auto is entertaining. This was fun for a second, but let's move on to something more substantial. The worst part of this massive overrating is what it does in the context of other films. I hear people mention this thing in the same breath as Goodfellas and The Godfather I/II. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? First of all, I don't see any Brando or De Niro in Scarface, nor do I see any PI Pacino (PI - pre-insanity... something happened to that guy). The blood and cursing do not make it one of the great movies of all time, which is what you're saying when you compare it to those other gangster films. Stop this crap.

2. Tony Montana Is Not a Role Model
You know how an episode of MTV Cribs is not complete without a glance at the Scarface poster and the DVD collection that has the widescreen, special edition, special 20th anniversary edition, unrated version, and director's cut of Scarface? And then this is followed by a little bit where the celebrity says how cool Scarface was and how he influenced them in their career? WHAT THE ----? Scarface was a convict-turned cocaine dealer sent into the United States by Fidel Castro specifically to unleash a plague of crime upon the streets of Miami. This is the guy that helped you get that record deal? Tony Montana is a drug addict and a cold-blooded murderer... he drove you through those two-a-days in high school training camp? WOW. End this garbage too. Go watch Stand and Deliver for inspiration. At least the kids don't die in a hail of gunfire.

The 80s Were Terrible: #9

This is the second of a 10 part series on the 80s being absolute crap. I think I should acknowledge something that was a little less crappy about the decade in each on of these entries. This will also allow me to stretch the title paragraph and make these things look longer... I mean, allow me to further express myself. So here it is: that video for "Take On Me" by A-Ha is kind of cool. On with the bashing.






The Ninth Worst Thing About The 1980s: Yuppies

I don't mean to imply that Christian Bale or American Psycho suck, in fact, they are both quite awesome. However, American Psycho is full of Yuppies, and the idiocy of the Yuppies portrayed makes the reckless murder that goes on a little easier on the palette. Yes, Patrick Bateman is a classic Yuppie himself, but since he kills so many he actually works out to be an asset to Yuppie/Non-Yuppie balance.

So what is a Yuppie? Yuppies were incredibly self-absorbed young businesspeople in the 80s that got rich as the economy TEMPORARILY boomed FOR THE VERY WEALTHY thanks to crazy-ass Reagan's ridiculous economic policy and Japan's financial emergence. These people went ape(expletive deleted) as they hit the world with their cash and lack of personal integrity. They drove ugly 80s-style cars, snorted coke in clubs while lame 80s music blared, played racqetball during lunch, exploited the middle class for personal gain and produced maladjusted children as they were too busy buying ugly cars/snorting coke/playing raquetball/f**king over regular people to raise their kids properly. If you dislike the the current direction of American culture, you can blame a lot of that on Yuppies, and therefore the 80s. I bet you're starting to wonder if Thriller was worth it, aren't ya?

Snow Day!!!

Apparently, "The Perfect Storm 2: Winter Edition" is developing over the northeast today, and although I don't have class on Friday anyway (I should be paid to design schedules for people), the realization that with college comes the effective death of snow days has come upon me. I remember getting up extra early on those days and turning on the television to see what school districts had found it in their hearts to allow the kids to stay inside from the arctic hell that had formed outside their homes... and then being disappointed.

I am more than grateful of having been blessed with an upbringing in the greater metropolitan area of New York, but one of the downsides was that there as an idea out that we should all be tough and capable of getting the roads together well enough to conduct regular business regardless of weather conditions. Maybe this is true in The City (note the capitalization, you know what I'm talking about), but I didn't exactly live in the city. We had that city attitude, but not the city capabilities of snow removal. Instead, we would too often end up in school as Mother Nature took a proverbial dump on the human race. This was followed by delightful trudges back through slush to return to our abodes and do the homework that we wouldn't have had if school were cancelled...

Back to the college thing. Conveniently, though last year was one of the worst for snowfall in the recorded history of the planet, the really big snows seemed to always occur on weekends or during breaks from school. So what would happen? The snow would be allowed to block every walkway imaginable... UNTIL MONDAY, when it would magically be gone so as to allow class to go on. I don't mind going to class, but when the walkway cleaning is so obviously done without regard to student comfort I get a little angry. All I ask is that things like my ability to eat meals in the dining hall or go to the library be taken into account. Is that too much to ask? IS IT? As I write this, the bottom step to the building next door (which luckily contains my dining hall!) and the new snow-aided ground level are equalizing. This has been my rant that nobody will care about.

Fear not, the 80s bashing will resume shortly.

Memoirs of a Geisha - Filmless Review

Part two of the big filmless review double-feature. There are many similarities between this one and our other review; hey both are based on books I have never even considered reading, both have outstanding posters, and they are both being released on December 9th... at least in certain cities (Geisha releases wide on December 16). Ok, not really that similar. I would guess that Geisha doesn't have talking animals (save for a possible dream sequence or something) or the potential for six sequels. The lack of sequel potential becomes even more obvious when you look at some of the reviews this is getting. What a dog!

Memoirs of a Geisha also shares another trait in common with the Chronicles of Narnia... literal film titles! This is excellent since I didn't plan on doing much plot summary anyway! These are the memoirs of a geisha working during World War II in Kyoto (hope this film doesn't violate protocol... *rimshot*). The geisha were/are women that worked/work in Japan as hostesses? I don't really know how to describe it. They were trained in literature, arts, conversation, etc. and would be paid by men to just sort of hang out. It should be made clear that geisha were/are NOT prostitutes, at least not generally. Whether you are happy or disappointed about that says sheds a great deal of light upon your personal moral fiber.

As I said, the reviews aren't too hot, but the poster is. Considering that I have absolutely no shot of seeing the Chronicles of Narnia and King Kong comes out on the 14th, I could possibly be talked into seeing this. At the very least it will be filmed well, have pretty visuals, and make our site look nice while the poster sits near the top of the front page. Are those visuals worth the $10.50 a movie ticket costs here? Depends on how bored I get.

Chronicles of Narnia - Filmless Review

This week I'm going to do two filmless reviews. One, because I haven't done a review in so long. Two, because they're both film adaptations of books that I never read. Three, because I have very little to talk about so these will be shorter entries than I would like. Anyway...


The Chronicles of Narnia are some fantasy books written by C.S. Lewis and released in the 1950s that seem to have a following amongst people somewhere. I've never been into the fantasy genre, so I could easily start lambasting this stuff right now, but that would be unfair. Instead I will just say that I see a talking lion in all of the trailers, and that immediately prevents me from even considering a ticket buy. The "CON" are really a series of seven books, and quite literally follow the Chronicles of Narnia. While this undoubtedly yields a depth of exploration and understanding that any single text would be incapable to convey, it also makes my attempts to summarize plot impossible. There's something about some kids that travel to this mythical land of Narnia and fight for its freedom... and along the way encounter talking animals. Good times.

Uh, the reviews look pretty good, and the special effects look decent. That poster is also damn cool. What the hell, I recommend it (if you're into this stuff, which I am not... so I guess I don't recommend it)


Memoirs of a Geisha soon... maybe even today!

The 80s Were Terrible: #10

I shouldn't even have to bother writing this. The 80s being a travesty as a whole should be understood and universally accepted. Frankly, I hear way too much positivity about the 80s, and it makes me sick to my stomach. The decade was so terrible, that I will make a ten-part series on their assiness. Some will say that this is just an thinly veiled attempt to stretch content because I update the site so lacksadasically as it is... I will say shut up and enjoy.





The Tenth Worst Thing About the 80s: Fashion/Style

All you really need to do is watch the Thriller video and notice how ridiculous everyone looks. Yeah, I know he's Michael Jackson and he's "the shit" (or at least he was), but the guy is wearing a tiny red leather jacket/pant set full of zippers. Are you kidding me? People also need to realize tha a lot of the lame fashion that gets asociated with the 90s are actually 80s fashions sloppily conveyed to the public by the mainstream media. Remember, MTV (one of the few good things about the 80s, along with Eddie Murphy, Ferris Bueller and my birth) didn't get started until about halfway through, and didn't hit its stride until the Real World Revolution, so we were largely counting on old stuffy TV executives to spread pop culture. Of course they were about 2 years behind on everything. I refuse to accept fanny packs or acid-wash jeans as works of the 90s.

Oh, it goes on. Mullets, jheri curls, mohawks, this crap, all popularized in the 80s. Mullets alone should get this tagged as the worst decade ever. You ever see one of those 80s parties held? You notice how ridiculous everyone has to make themselves look to really acheive that "80s vibe"? Well there you friggin' go. Right now you could go hit Google image search and find pictures of Madonna wearing like 47 little bracelets on each arm; and being cool because of that. This is when L.A. Gear happened dammit!

You Killed My Childhood, I Kill Your Retirement

I put up a brave front when asked about steroid use in professional sports, (note that I say PROFESSIONAL SPORTS; 80% of the NFL is on steroids, and Antoine Walker's head is just way too big*) usually going with the old "Oh, I knew it anyway" bit. The thing is... I didn't. I wanted to believe that I was maybe watching a renaissance in the game, following up a dreary 1980s (which sucked for so many reasons) with a new decade of home run records, Yankee championships, and... labor strikes? Scratch the last one.

When Mark McGwire cracked that 62nd home run, I was 12 years old and watching on TV from a hotel room in Virginia during a vacation; and it was great. Not just because Mark was giving me the chance to witness true baseball history, but also because Sammy Sosa was annoying as hell and was the main competitor for the record. As you must know, the facade has begun to crumble recently. The allegations and suspicions were out there, but then Jose Canseco blew the lid off the whole thing and started naming names. Mark McGwire, Pudge Rodriguez, Rafael Palmiero, etc. This was followed by the first season of steroid testing in Major League Baseball, which kicked off with no-names and a bunch of minor-leaguers getting fingered until the main course hit the table; Rafael Palmiero's head on a platter.

This was a man that had been classy enough to have been featured in Viagra commercials. This was the guy that was successful because of a sweet swing and guile, not one of those Popeye physiques. This was the guy that had waved his finger in the nation's face in a congressional hearing on steroid use in baseball shortly before the season began; making it crystal clear that he HAD NOT used steroids. Well, not only had Raffy used steroids, but he had used HORSE steroids. Screw you Raffy.

Mark Starr of Newsweek discusses the upcoming Hall of Fame elections, and gets into the fact that next year's ballot will be headlined by, amongst others, Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco. McGwire didn't exactly admit to steroid use, but I think I can gather some things from that joke of a performance he put on during the aforementioned congressional hearing. In case you weren't watching, McGwire broke down like a kiddy that got his bike jacked in the playground repeatedly as the congressmen peppered him with questions about his potential 'roiding. "Big Mac" can go take a long walk off a short pier... with a pulled grenade in his pocket. As for Jose, I would almost want him granted an induction just for making Palmiero look like a jackass. He has done more for baseball with his loudmouth and ghostwritten memoir than 99% of the guys in the game will ever be able to match.

I'm saying it, if you were caught 'roiding, or even strongly suspected of 'roiding, you need to be barred from the Hall (unless you're our hero Jose). Innocent until proven guilty, schminnocent(?) until guilty. This isn't a murder trial, this is a game that you have brought shame to. Palmiero, Bonds, McGwire, Sosa... you can all see your ways out.

As for Jim Rice getting into the Hall; let me put it this way. If he were a Yankee I'd be clamoring for it, but since he's a Red Sock (and a fairly large a-hole at that), I say he waits in line behind Donnie Baseball.


* - just kidding about 'Toine, don't sue me