popuncultured

Squatted (!?)

2009-03-26T18:13:00.005-04:00

I didn't exactly "forget" about this blog, but it did fall far enough down my list of priorities to go without any new posts for more than two years. Fine, whatever.

But today, while thinking about all the failed blog concepts that have followed in the wake of the late, great, PopUncultured, I... thought of PopUncultured. 125 posts pales in comparison to a lot of blogs out there, but this place used to mean a lot to me. PUn means so much to me, in fact, that I went to GoDaddy.com and tried to register the domain PopUncultured.com. Guess what! Registered by someone else like a week ago.

What can I do? Delete my pride and joy? Establish a new name? Cry? I don't have anyone else to blame for this, so I see just one thing to do...

Time to resurrect the blog.

GooTube Unveiled, Kind of

2007-01-26T02:59:00.000-05:00

On its blog, Google unveiled the future plans for the coexistence of Google Video and YouTube. It includes the addition of premium content on YouTube, and the conversion of Google Video into more of a search engine and less of a video host.

The general consensus, at least from where I looked, was positive. The YouTube brand would go untouched for the most part, and Google Video will now search all video content across the entire interwebnodes for whatever you want. This sounds like a good idea on face... but it got me thinking--is this really a semi-covert scheme by Google to crush the competition?

See, I don't know about on the national or global scale, but among my friends, YouTube has started to get knocked down a bit by competition from other video sites, and namely DailyMotion. The main appeal of DailyMotion is that one can often find entire episodes of broadcast television shows on its servers. Its relative obscurity (up until now) has served it brilliantly--but now that Google plans to operate Google Video as a clearinghouse for the entire web, that anonymity may be compromised.

Instead of asking what is surely some unpaid intern to scour the web for pirated content, NBC/ABC/CBS can just have that gofer hop onto Google Video and see that someone has been uploading Heroes since its inception. These sites are already being weakened by content providers like NBC opening their minds to the idea making their programs available online (ABC has been doing since at least the last spring, and NBC started to join the pack a few weeks ago), but this may be the final blow.

Been A LONG Time

2007-01-20T04:42:00.000-05:00

But we can get back there, can't we? CAN'T WE?

In the preceeding six months a lot has changed. Detail is unimportant, just know that The Office is greatmazing, and I can't resist these new blogger features. Sure, you guy stripped my site of so much, but whatevs... Look at that clean front page! There's even AJAX on here!

So, I can make no promises, but I'll at least have some free time for the next week. After that, not so much, but I'll try.

-The Management

Spider-Man 3 Teaser

2006-07-24T02:38:00.000-04:00

Also old.

I didn't beat you over the head with Superman Returns, so here's another go... but I'll start wayyyyyy earlier this time. Very exciting.

What the Hell Happened to Rap Music?

2006-07-24T02:07:00.000-04:00

Ever since I got to college, my music intake has changed drastically. No longer could I envelope myself in the sweet hum of MTV, or take the time out to listen to the radio (not that I ever did anyway).

As a result, I find myself comically out of touch with the modern music industry. You know that hot new thing on the Billboard charts? I don't. It's that simple.

So while I was "discovering" the greatest of whatever the people on campus decided to share through iTunes, things were apparently happening on the outside world. Namely, rap music was sucking epically.

Now supposedly we're going to see new releases from sure things like The Roots "Game Theory", Nas "Hip Hop Is Dead" and Outkast "Idlewild" very shortly-- and that's all well and good... but where is the fresh blood? I don't mean random new dudes with a record deal, I'm talking new artists of quality. Not since Kanye and Late Registration have I even considered getting a new rap album. WTF guy? WTF?

Can someone do something about this? This is where 80s Baby would come in, but he has abandoned this venture.

Pirates of the Carribean 2: Dead Man's Chest

2006-07-24T02:05:00.000-04:00

I saw this one on opening night, so this update is a bit late. Shut it.

I must say, while I did not dislike this film, I was a bit disappointed. For one thing, I feel like I could have used a refresher on POTC1 before going into the theater. Is it my fault that I couldn't immediately identify returning characters or instantly break down the connections being made on screen? Yeah, probs... so what? Shouldn't a movie-- even a sequel like this one-- be able to stand on its own two feet? Far too often, POTC2 asked the audience to bring everything together on their own. Maybe I'm just lazy.

Johnny Depp is really great as Captain Jack Sparrow, but that is to be expected. He does his thing, you watch, we all leave happy. Orlando Bloom could be doing more, but the expectations aren't really there. Keira Knightley isn't on screen very often, but she gets the job done when she's there. I could have used more screen time, regardless of what she was going to say.

Let me also note that the (I guess) Jamaican guy that appeared for one scene was completely incomprehensible and took me out of the moment. This was a pretty random cut to start with, and then when I was hit in the face with the Queen's Patois, I just about wet myself. Fix that on the DVD.

All in all, a solid lead in to POTC3, coming next year. It's a bit cheap to make an entire movie that serves simply as the bridge between the first and third installments of a trilogy, but this is Hollywood '06 baby!

Superman Returns

2006-06-29T04:58:00.000-04:00

Well, I flooded this blog with Superman Returns posts a while back... and dammit, it paid off.

I saw this one, a practice that is becoming increasingly common (the joys of summer), and was throughly impressed. I didn't want to lead on, but I was a bit concerned about how this film would turn out. Bryan Singer has been nothing but capable in his past work, but the Kent/Kal-El of this quasi-sequel to Superman II concerned me. Brandon Routh? Who?

Superman... that's who. I don't want to gush, but he fills the boots left behind by the late Christopher Reeve ably. In fact, he fills them more than ably. Though I cannot say that he brought anything inventive or new to the work, he plays the role one would expect to a T. He is awkward and bumbling as Kent, yet gracefully powerful as the Man of Steel. The action is spectacular, with the flying CG working at an almost disturbingly high level. Routh soars, and it all feels possible, if not believable.

Kevin Spacey (Lex Luthor) and Parker Posey (Kitty Kowalski) turn in the kind of scenery-chewing performances required to accent this film that can be best described as "grand". Mountains rise, airplanes plummet, and globes fall, all to be addressed by the man in tights. One of my lone complaints is barely one, as the sight of Kal "Kumar" Penn as a Luthor henchman is offputting-- doubly so when he makes his move upon the hero.

in the pantheon of superhero films, this one stands tall, eclisping the increasingly overrated Batman Begins, but falling just short of the celluloid brilliance of Spiderman 2. See it, see it now. As the taglines say, you will believe that a man can fly.

X-Men 3

2006-05-29T09:46:00.000-04:00

I really enjoyed this one. Now, some people, including some of those I saw this with, will have a problem with the liberties taken with the storyline to put together a film version that works. I've always felt that film adaptations are meant to be interpretations of the soure material, rather than a blow-by-blow reenactment. In that sense, I had little problem with what went down here. Shock? At times, yes. Resentment or anger? No.

However, I don't want to give the impression that I would agree with just anything. I've heard stories about early drafts of the new Superman movies that involved radical changes to the costume and his powers. I don't even like Superman (I guess you wouldn't pick that up from the 19 posts I've made about the new movie), but I would have had a problem dealing with that. Deviation from the canon is fine, i.e. Spiderman having organic webbing, but I don't want to see him flying and shooting fireballs or something stupid like that.

This is apparently the biggest movie ever, so you'll probably have your own views on what happened. I don't want to spoil the plot, so let's just say that it was "eventful". There was less attention paid to developing the story than in 1 and 2, but this is just something that we had to expect from Brett Ratner. He can blow things up well, and construct the huge, sweeping, epic scene... but don't ask the man to flesh-out a character.

It also felt like it could have been longer, which is a RARE feeling to leave a theater with. Word on the internets is that a lot of footage was cut from the final version, including a lot of character development- especially around Collusus. Director's Cut DVD anyone?

Rating: 8/10

In Other News... She Punches Like A Girl

2006-05-25T01:04:00.000-04:00

But boy does she do it in style! I'm sure everyone and their sociopathic mom has seen this piece of video before... but not like this.

By the way, if you've ever wondered what "punching like a girl" is supposed to mean, take notes now. With proper form, she could have at least taken a few teeth out.

I keep telling myself that I hate this song, but it won't stay dead.

The 80s Were Terrible: #4

2006-05-22T09:18:00.000-04:00

The Internets

Imagine being an adolescent in say... 1985. What do you do? Everyone in pro sports is either a coke-head or a 'roid-rager, and the transcendent 1986 Mets team (with coke falling out of their ears) hasn't happened yet. Sports are out.

As previously mentioned, since these are the 80s, all of the music sucks and your clothes are ugly. Two more strikes.

I guess you can go watch some movies; (this is the only cultural area where the 80s can stand up a bit) not that Sixteen Candles and Young John Cusack movies are examples of fine cinema, but at least they weren't bad.

What I'm getting at is that you won't see "facebook stalk that girl in ec class", or "post another incredibly self-indulgent blog entry" pop up on the list of things to do, since there was a distinct lack of internets at this time. What we do know is that the 80s were when the embryonic internets were being developed, so I'm gonna go ahead and blame them for it. Remember, no research happening here.

Some of you may be thinking that the internets are a good thing. They allow you to do things like stalk that girl in ec class that wears her hair to the side in that certain sexy way, you know, the one with the wal... sorry. Umm, I mean, they let you access important information so quickly! And connect to people across the globe that you would never meet otherwise! Two problems:

1. If you need to research for an academic paper, you should probably be going to the library, not sitting on your couch trolling wikipedia in one window while "kitten cannon" runs in another background.

2. Pretty much everyone on the internet is male, white, 13 years old, and from Arizona. Sorry, that's how it is, and all of those "Swedish people" you meet on the internet are just the aforementioned 13 year olds looking for cybersex. You're not breaking any cultural barriers... that is unless you're one of those a-holes that has a thing against Tempe. I SEE YOU.

So I have completely discredited any attempts to credit the internet with anything even remotely positive. The next step is to show that it is actually a detriment to society.

MySpace. If you watch Dateline NBC you know that MySpace consists entirely of two userbases: 1) Delinquent, over-sexed 12 year old girls posting thong pics on their little personal page next to embedded Fall Out Boy videos and 2) 32 year old truckers trying* to have sex with those 12 year old delinquents.

This is seriously the most disturbing thing happening in our society right now. The fact that only Dateline has been brave enough to take on and present this to a national audience sickens me, and leads me to strongly question the integrity of our media today.

I mean, Fall Out Boy sucks really badly.**

* - Not so much "trying" as "doing it with ease on a regular basis"

** - This is a joke, people. Embedded video content that auto-plays when you open a page sucks too.

*** - Pedophilia is very bad.

Haiku Korner Strikes Back

2006-05-22T08:33:00.000-04:00

Of all the "features" that run here at the Un (rhyme!), Haiku Korner may be my favorite. Mocking poetry is one of my pastimes, right up there with being souless and alone. These two are probably not related.

This edition of HK comes to you courtesy of the comment bots that hit the site recently:

Comment bot thingys
Your words are so vague, yet keen
Though false, ego thrives

Superman Returns Day

2006-05-17T20:40:00.000-04:00

A new one sheet for Superman Returns. More messianic poses, more shiny/greasy hair. I like it!

I explained earlier that I am excited for this movie to an extent that I didn't expect at all. Maybe it's my inner child taking one last gasp... or my hatred of Superman was really a lame form of rebellion that has been tossed aside as I've aged.

Superman Returns... to film promotion

2006-05-17T20:14:00.000-04:00

Both the delightfully messianic teaser from last August, and the slightly less cool trailer most recently released.

Needs more allusions to Jesus

That's more like it. HE GAVE US HIS ONLY SON!

Lois Lane Looks Ridiculous

2006-05-17T19:53:00.000-04:00

I must admit, I'm pretty darn excited about Superman Returns. I'm not sure why either, because I've always considered the whole Superman thing to be pretty lame. The fact that he's essentially invincible kinda takes the fun out of it for me. As does the utter lameness of his interest in journalism. Puh-leeze.

But let's get down to the objectification of women.

Kate Bosworth has been cast as Lois Lane. Since I'm not a big watcher of teen-girl romantic dramas or surfing movies, I've never seen her act in anything.

However, when I heard about the choice, I figured that she would at least provide some eye candy between shots of Supes being messianic and Kevin Spacey hamming it up with a haircut that no living being could possibly avoid staring at in every scene.

Well, let's just say that Bosworth's move to brunette for this role hasn't done her much good. I'm not going to say she looks bad, but she certainly doesn't look like this:

Wikipedia says she was admitted to Princeton as a 16 year old and continues to defer her entry. Then again, Wikipedia says a lot of things. Maybe the professors in Jersey will teach her not to dye her hair again. OH SNAP!

The DaVinci Code

2006-05-16T15:13:00.000-04:00

These things are already reviews of movies that I haven't seen... but in this very special edition of Filmless Review, I write about a movie that I haven't seen based on a book that I owned and never read. You are truly holding the hand of greatness right now.

Aren't we all just a little tired of Tom Hanks? I know he won 7 Best Actors in a row or something, but is it that hard to find another semi-normal, non-threatening guy with decent acting chops? I'm not entirely sure (since I didn't read the book or see the movie... duh) but I'm going to go out on a limb and say he has some romantic contact with Audrey Tautou (the scared young woman next to the creepy old dude in the picture) in this one as well. Considering that Tom is like 73 years old now, that's a little creepy. I'm talking Harrison Ford-Calista Flockhart creepy. I could turn this entry into a thing about double standards in Hollywood and how women are pushed out the second they stop looking Botox-fresh while men hang on for Anthonyhopkinsian periods of time...

But I'm no hero

Anyway, there's a movie to review. The trailers are kind of boring, and the incredibly pale Paul Bettany in makeup meant to make him look like an albino monk is simaltenously hilarious and disturbing. I'm also conditioned to believe that any piece of contemporary literature that sells this well is a steaming pile of crap. At the same time, I need to commend anything that gets large religious institutions to launch attacks on artistic works, because I long for a return to the Crusades. We're getting oh so close people. *fingers crossed*

For that, Da Vinci gets my stamp of approval, in the form of this nauseating piece of artwork:

WE ARE ALL WITNESSES

2006-05-15T21:58:00.000-04:00

And now it's a 3-game series.

The Hobo should have known not to pull one of his GuaranSheed™ things on King James:

And where is Gilbert now? Exactly.

The 80s Were Terrible: #5

2006-05-15T15:36:00.000-04:00

NWA

No, no, no Mr. Dre... Express YO' Self.

Influential artists... wah, wah, wah. Here's the deal: Does it matter that you're influential when that influence is so poor? NWA did not create "gangsta rap" (I would add something like 'credit for that one goes to...', but God forbid I do research for one of these entries. Oh, what is that? Yeah... keep reading please), but they sure did popularize it.

Much like you, faceless internet person, I enjoy the occasional ode to bustin' caps in hoes and jackin' ice... but I also recognize the fact that we would all probably be better off without it. I could do a whole spiel about how this kind of negative imagery has infected urban culture and the young, largely minority youth that is bred from that culture, creating a vicious cycle of rewarded anti-social behavior that drags down young person after young person...

But I'm No Hero

So I'll say that I would really enjoy it if Kanye West were allowed to make his soft, harmonic rap records and wear tiny jackets in peace. The man gave you half of that awesome Jarhead trailer... can't you let him dress comically? Michael Jackson wore a single white glove and red leather for 10 years and was pretty much the baddest man on the planet.

Sure, years later we learned that he enjoyed the company of young boys in a very special way... but he was cool at the time, dammit.

NWA took our tiny jackets. For that they must pay.

GuaranSheed™

2006-05-15T01:57:00.000-04:00

The Hobo was at it again after bearing witness on Saturday night:

"I know we're going to win it," Wallace said sitting on the scorer's table following Sunday practice at Quicken Loans Arena. "We're going to bust their [butt]. Tomorrow night is the last game here in this building for this year."

Wallace has a history of getting zany in the playoffs and running off at the mouth:

"It ain't bulletin board material, it's a fact," he said bluntly. "They can put it on the bulletin board. They can put it on a video. I don't care. I know what we're capable of doing, that's all that it is."

Of course, his buddies had to stand up for him in a show of faux unity:

"You have to go out there and play even harder and get a win for him," Richard Hamilton said. "We have to have his back, do what we do, and get a win."

But here is where things get interesting:

"There's only one team out there, two teams tops, that can really give us that good challenge that it's like, 'All right, we know we can't make no mistakes against those teams,"' he said.

The Cavaliers aren't one?

"Nah," he said.

Ok, first of all, that was both hilarious and one of the worst shows of sportmanship ever. He basically just said "We can play like crap and still beat the LeBrons".

Number two... who is he talking about? Obviously we must assume that he was talking about the Spurs in his original statement-- they did knock off the Pistons in last year's NBA Finals. But which is the mystery team that he felt the need to tack on at the last second? In all likelyhood it was Miami or Dallas. We can further narrow things down by simply recognizing the fact that Antoine Walker plays for the Heat, making them ineligible for serious championship contention.

Full Story on SI.com

And Now a Disturbing Word From Our Sponsors

2006-05-14T09:09:00.001-04:00

After you finish vomiting and/or crying, you're going to be like, "how the hell does this sell a product?"

Welcome to the world of Viral Marketing! It's not about the product! It's about getting you to recognize and distribute the ad across the internets... which I just did. I'm such a corporate whore!

After you've seen the ad and emptied your digestive tract, you'll feel compelled to find out who is to blame for this mess you just created on your rug. When you finally do figure out who did it, you'll have put enough effort into the quest that the message will be seared into your brain. You'll also feel the need to justify your efforts by dropping lots of cash on fine Adidas mechandise.

In case you were wondering, these are for Adidas' adicolor line of shoes that come with a paint set and you add your own designs to. You can catch the whole series here.

I AM A WITNESS

2006-05-14T02:37:00.000-04:00

I generally am part of that secondary backlash against overhyped athletes... but not this time, baby! I am fully versed in the gospel of King James. Tonight in Cleveland, the Cavaliers staved off the Pistons' attempts to go up 3-0 in this Eastern Conference Semifinal with an 86-77 win that required a 4th quarter comeback from ten points down. LeBron's contribution?

21 points (15 in the 4th), 10 rebounds, 10 assists

This despite the best efforts of Curious George to stop him. When contacted, The Man in the Yellow Hat had no comment.

Handy multimedia accompaniment, and a great commercial to boot:

I would seriously be tempted to buy a DVD of Nike advertisements. These images of Cleveland are so gritty and urban and heartfelt... and REAL. The pulsing soundtrack just helps to convey that hunger, and LeBron serves as a light, shining on the desolate metropolis. Bringing promises-- hopes and dreams. His love truly lifts us up where we belong.

AHHHHH!!! CAPITALISM IS SO ENTERTAINING!

X-Men: The Last Stand

2006-05-13T21:57:00.000-04:00

From that director of Rush Hour comes an even more absurd plot... and Chris Tucker as Jackie Chan's police partner and buddy is pretty damn absurd.

I think this one is about some kind of mutant registration program that the X-Men and their supposed enemies, led by Magneto (Ian McKellen) join forced to fight again.

Actually, now that I've read the plot spoilers on Wikipedia, I seem to have no idea what it's about.

What I do know is that Kelsey Grammer looks totally ridic as Beast. If this were a cartoon, Grammer would be a great choice, since he sounds all bookish and the like. Unfortunantely, this is live-action, and Kelsey is an old man in a blue fur suit.

I also know that Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) goes all Phoenix on us for this one. That's a definite plus, since we all know that the pinnacle of children's television in the 90s was The Phoenix Saga on Fox Kids's X-Men animated series.

Sounds cool, right? Here's the kicker... Brett Ratner is a hack. I'm pretty confident that this movie will suck, but Superman Returns and its promises of greatness will be just a few short weeks away. If X-Men is that bad, I'll be able to wash out the taste of cinematic ass pretty shortly.

Also notice how prominently Wolverine/Hugh Jackman is featured in this movie's promotional materials. Word on "the street" is that a Wolverine solo film is in the works. That'll probably blow too.

I'm actually going to see this one soon, so stay tuned people for a real review!

I Haven't Heard Enough About Meth Yet

2006-05-13T14:25:00.000-04:00

More meth-mouth misinformation. By Jack Shafer

Whoa, I can hear about meth users' teeth too??? AWESOME!!! This is actually fairly interesting, in a "I like to read things that contain technical jargon so that I can feel more intelligent when I'm done" kind of way, but I'm not exactly sure why I care. Oh, don't get me wrong, I don't like to see people succumb to "the snake" as I and other super-cool people call it, but their oral hygeine is not my #1 concern.

I heard a story recently about one of my friends getting carded at the pharmacy because (s)he wanted to buy cough syrup. That is just wrong. So what if I want to buy liquid cocaine? Does that give you any right to question me about it? I think this was meth related, but I'm not sure.

Pop UnRant: Embedded A/V Ad in AIM

2006-05-13T00:44:00.000-04:00

Screw you, little yellow AIM dude

Look, I totally understand that you want to make money off of your product. Hell, I don't know what I would do without my leopard-skin tube socks... and believe you me, those things don't come cheap.

HOWEVA, I do not "understand" putting this obnoxious ad for Poseidon in my buddy list, which conveniently (and mysteriously) continues to play and be obnoxious even when the rest of the program has crashed and ceases to do anything besides eat up system resources and play Josh Lucas screaming something about people dying in a crappy remake of a movie I've never seen. If this crap happens one more time I swear I'm gonna... do nothing, since this program is ubiquitous and doing away with it would be akin to doing without a telephone.

Just know that I'm not happy about it... jerk.

Traffic Envy

2006-05-12T03:03:00.000-04:00

So I applied for one of those Google Analytics accounts like, ten years ago. Imagine my surprise when I retreived my e-mail yesterday and saw that my application had finally gone through. I have no idea why they would take on my crappy site, but whatevs. Google is tracking each and every one of you that roll through these parts. You should only be mildly afraid. Sure, Google has all kinds of personal and potentially damaging info on you- but you can't really do anything about it either. Give in to The Man! Remember, Google's inroads on your personal life are done in the name of progress. The evil ones are Microsoft.

So along with this Analytics account came a new confrontation with the state of this blog. To be blunt... nobody reads it. I really shouldn't care, since I'm not running ads or anything- but I sure do. Sure, I could put more effort into spreading word and exchanging links and such... but I'm not going to. The brilliant content should be enough.

For example, I'm pretty sure this guy's blog gets a good deal more traffic than mine. He updates more regularly, and posts stuff that's probably a lot more interesting to read, but here's the thing... I started first. What more can I do, people?

I don't really have a point. If anything, it was that Google now knows where you live, what browser you're using, and that you were searching for nude pictures of Red Ranger Slavco when you ended up here. Take comfort in that.

What's a Little Spying Between Friends?

2006-05-11T14:59:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how I feel about things like this. My rational side says "they're not really doing anything with the records, and I have nothing to worry about personally."

Then my nutty, uber-lib, delightfully irrational side says "THIS IS AMERICA PEOPLE! THOSE WHO TRADE LIBERTY FOR SECURITY DESERVE NEITHER! GIVE ME A HELL YEAH!"

So, you can see why I'm torn.

Should I really care that George Bush knows that I ordered a pizza last week? Not really... unless of course he notices that I ordered three pizzas last week. That's kind of pathetic, and I can't have Dubya looking down on me. He also wouldn't be too happy with my love of Hawaiian-style.

Ok, seriously. Nobody likes Hawaiian pizza. Nobody. I have no idea why they offer it. A pizza place shouldn't even have pineapples on the premises, let alone be willing to throw those things onto a pie.

Anyway, here's the real deal. This is a non-issue that will make for excellent "The Dems Hate America" material in November when Karl Rove and his hell-demons trot out the scare tactics and spin this as the left being soft on national security. There are two options:

1. Don't let this happen... focus on the lying about Iraq, lobbying scandals and massive deficit.

2. Let the GOP dictate everything in the arena, right down to what they do and do not get called out on in the national media- lose AGAIN.

Yeah... Sony is Screwed

2006-05-09T15:07:00.000-04:00

So the Playstatation 3 will be $499.99 for the most basic configuration and $599.99 for the "premium" one.

What the hell is this?

And what makes Sony think that I'm going to pay that much for a minor graphical update and a silver paint job? This company better hope Spiderman 3 makes like 9 billion dollars, because I see Mr. Bankruptcy cracking his knuckles in the corner.

You know, I remember a time when consoles were the everyman's alternative to gaming on personal computers. You know, everyone isn't willing to be on constant alert for the newest videocard or to be on a neverending quest for more RAM. Consoles will always have that over the PC market... but let's think about this for a moment.

If I'm* willing to drop $600 on a videogame console... money that could easily buy 139 Slinkies (and remember, only one of these two walks down stairs without a care), I'm probably willing to drop the cash it would take to put together a respectable gaming rig and take the customization and graphical advantages to boot.

We should also note that the next time prices drop from one console generation to the next will be the first time. What does this mean? It means we're rapidly approaching a point where the price of console gaming no longer holds a large advantage over pc gaming. What is better than watching an industry cannibalize itself in an orgy of greed?

Nothing

* - I'm in a universal sense... sure as hell not me personally

Don't Call it a Comeback...

2006-05-07T12:14:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I (we) haven't been posting in a loooooong time. Sorry about that. Hey, life takes time, alright?

Stay tuned for the Summer of George. Play the video for added effect.

Dave Chappelle's Block Party

2006-03-18T05:41:00.000-05:00

Remember way back when? Those days when you would sit in school and discuss how much you were looking forward to that night's episode of Chappelle's Show on Comedy Central? The joy as you knew that a new catch phrase would be reverberating down the hallways next morning? Was that just me? Fine.

So I went to see Dave Chappelle's Block Party with some friends. As we were prepping to go, it became evident that these guys weren't entirely aware of what they were walking into. I believe they figured this would be a 2-hour long Chappelle's Show... well, it's not. DCBP, as it will be called from now on, if a concert film. Yes, a Michel Gondry directed concert film with heart, soul and humor-- but a concert film nonetheless.

You'll see Dave invite a small Ohio college's band to Bed-Stuy, Erykah Badu make a startling revelation, and Dead Prez being generally insane... but you won't see Clayton Bigsby, Ashy Larry or the Time Haters. What you're left with is some damn good entertainment. The guys I went with weren't exactly rap-heads, but they generally seemed to have a good time with it (the hippees that volunteer their stoop for Dave's shindig are worth the price of admission).

For those of you that care about the music, everything is great aside from Talib Kweli's latest step in his neverending quest to destroy his fanbase. Kweli... stop riding Mos Def's coattails and learn how to catch a beat. Geez. The Roots band is awesome, and Kanye West displays his usual live show brilliance. Dead Prez, despite being insane (already mentioned), also put on one of the better performances from a technical standpoint. The stereotypical live-rap sludge act doesn't happen here.

If you want to hear rap and R&B in theater-quality surround sound, go see this now. With Kanye, Kweli, Mos, Common, Jill, Erykah, Wyclef, Black Thought, Cody and a hearthwrenching Lauryn all on screen, you'll get a kick out of it. On a side note, "ATL", which was previewed before this movie looks like a joke wrapped in an abomination. Gotta love Hollywood.

8/10

Baby Got Book

2006-02-12T01:32:00.001-05:00

greatest video ever

I almost feel like the truly righteous would have never heard of "Baby Got Back", and that everyone in this video is completely discredited now.

Yes, even more than they already would have been by agreeing to upload a parody music video to a public website.

College is a Scam

2006-02-02T16:45:00.004-05:00

As a college student, I know first hand about all the forms and applications you have to fill out in order to acquire financial help from the university you attend or from an outside organization. (Unless you’re a spoiled rich kid, in which case this post probably doesn’t apply to you.) Why is it so necessary to get financial help, you might ask? Well, it’s because college tuition is ridiculously expensive. Granted, I understand that I go to one of the most expensive schools in the country (tuition at University of Miami is $40 thousand a year), but I thought college was supposed to be a blessing, an opportunity, a stepping stone that leads to a great career and an awesome life. Instead, what it becomes is decades of debt and bad credit due to loans that need to get paid off. Knowing this, the question then becomes, is it worth it?

Tough to answer, actually. First of all, for those of you who are/have been in college, let me ask one simple question. How much do you actually learn in class?? Close to nothing, you say? See, the reason why this happens is that instead of actually absorbing the information they “teach” in the classroom, you memorize it. So what ends up happening is that after the test is over, you forget all the information as soon as you spit it back onto the test paper. So you’re not really learning anything, just memorizing to get a grade. Second question is, even if you were learning, how much of what you learn will you use after you graduate?? Close to none, you say? I never understood why they require you to fulfill prerequisites before you take on your major-required courses. I mean, if I know I want to be a journalist, why do I have to take classes like Intro to Religion and History of Rock & Roll? It’s incredulous, actually. And what makes it all even worse is that after you graduate, whether or not you’ve learned and whether or not you’ve completed applicable courses becomes irrelevant, because your degree barely insures you a career. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t even insure you a job, moreover a career. I know people with master’s degrees who are unemployed. So in the end, your college degree becomes nothing more than another credential, like being the president of the chess club or being involved with Big Brother/ Big Sister. Yep, that’s right. A 4-year, $120,000 credential.

So, what am I saying? What does this all mean?? Basically, college is a scam. College is a way for the government to take your (your parents’) hard-earned money and flush it down the toilet. Why do you think schools and companies offer scholarships? They know they’re asking for too much money. But you know what else they know? They know they can get away with it, because you have no choice. Granted, I love college. I’m not saying that I don’t want to be here. But I love it for all the wrong reasons. I like the late nights and the parties and the camaraderie shared with other classmates. But it’s not like I feel that much smarter or more learned than I did when I graduated high school, and I’m halfway done with my undergraduate studies. Knowing that I haven’t taken in that much new information and that I’m not even guaranteed a job after I leave this place is a little unnerving. Now, I wouldn’t want any high school students to read this and think that I’m condoning skipping college. Because if you do that, you’re pretty much guaranteed to not have a career. Unless, of course, you have aspirations of being the next floor manager at Linens ‘N Things. Then I’d say, screw college. For everyone else, I’m basically saying, you’re officially screwed. You won’t learn much in college, but you have no way of making it in this country without a degree. So, you have to go to college, you have to blow your parents’ money, and you have to do some serious brown-nosing in the process in order to have the connections to possibly get you a job in the future. Good luck.

Syriana

2006-01-27T21:19:00.000-05:00

Filmless Review... But not.

I've been wanting to see this one for a long time, but it seems that the audience for uber-liberal geopolitical thrillers isn't that extensive- even among the college set. Either that or I had final holiday break and final exams right after it released and no one could justify going to movie.

Normally I feel a little guilty when I write my usual "this was too long and/or complicated to summarize"; but this time I have the backup of several acclaimed film critics. The acting is top-notch, the dialogue is fantastic and the cinematography leaves little to desire- but I must admit that I was left with a general "WTF?" feeling as it went on. This is not to say that Syriana is bad. I thoroughly enjoyed it despite being lost for much of the time. I would compare it to Coca-Cola- you enjoy the taste, but if someone asked you what exactly "cola" was comprised of, you'd have a hard time answering (vanilla, cinnamon and lemon... duh). If you happen to see this one, save the questions for afterwards. You'll ruin it if you dwell on the WTF-ness while the film is still running.

I also suggest that you toss your political allegiances aside for this one as well. It's about as pinko-lefty as it gets. America is evil, capitalism is evil, oil is evil, swimming pools are evil... You know, the usual. I must admit that the cases made are pretty compelling. The 'ol stars and stripes come off looking a little stained; but then again, any good piece of propaganda would do that. Oh snap, I went there.

Either way, this is an interesting piece of film that will get the mental gears turning. It's also one that you'll exit the theater wanting to see again, but then decide that the best alternative will be to wait for the DVD or "acquire" it digitally since there were no giant monkeys involved and the big screen doesn't contribute that much on its own. Seeing an overweight George Clooney is also worth your $9.

I'm going to start giving numerical scores to movies that I've actually seen to differentiate them from the ones that I call trash for no good reason:

8/10

Kevin Federline is a Superstar

2006-01-27T16:36:00.000-05:00

Kevin Federline, or as his homies know him, "K-Fed", is a megastar just waiting to happen. The cynics out there are going to think that he has just evolved from using his famous wife for cash to using his wife for media attention. I can't believe that such horrible people exist. This is a man with a vision and a talent that the world needs to experience. Maybe it's less about Britney Spears marrying Kevin Federline, and more about Kevin Federline marrying Britney Spears... Get it? Get it? I don't either- he is a tape worm and Britney is the infested lower intestine of some field mammal. He will feed until she is dry, and then he will move on to the next celebrity that he can dig his claws into. Mandy Moore better watch her back.

Actually, what the hell happened to Mandy Moore? Anyway, here's some pertinent multimedia! Joy!

Yes Kevin, you can say that. You probably shouldn't since it's probably the worst piece of music ever created, and has nothing to do with Brazil; but this is America and you can say whatever you want. Notice how he FEELS the music. Only a true artist can get that in touch with the medium.

FIRE!

YouTube... and LAZY (MO)NDAY

2006-01-24T13:08:00.000-05:00

I know I posted about how great Google Video is like 3 days ago... well YouTube is just as good; and I can post their videos too! I must assume that everyone has seen "Lazy Sunday" by now- it was only the biggest internet phenomenon of the year. Well, as with any internet phenomenon, the parodies are coming fast and furious. Here's my personal favorite:

MULTIMEDIA BITCHES!

Hail to the Kobe

2006-01-23T21:10:00.000-05:00

Wow. I'm not even really sure where to start with this one. Last night, Kobe Bryant scored 81 points. In one game. Ridiculous. Amazing. Awesome. I've actually been talking about this all day, yet I'm still kind of mind-boggled by what exactly took place last night. Sadly, the game wasn't televised, so all I can actually see for myself are the clips they show on SportsCenter and the game highlights featured on NBA.com. And I say 'sadly', because I'm really curious to find out exactly how a guard managed to get off for 81. A guard, people. This isn't like he was a 7'6 monster who skied over his opponents and scored easily by dunking on them. This is a 6'7 guard who scored 81 whopping points shooting jumpers.

Now, there are a few things that are amazing about this game besides the fact that he had 81 by himself. First off, he outscored the rest of his team, 81-41. Second, at halftime, he had 26 points. That's 55 in the second half. Third, with 5 minutes left in the game, he had 67. Which means he had 14 points in the final 5 minutes. Fourth, he shot 28 for 46 from the field (61%), 7 for 13 from three (54%), and 18 for 20 from the free throw line (90%). Pretty impressive. Fifth, the Lakers were losing by 18 points in the third quarter when Kobe really got it going. They ended up winning by 18.

What's funny about this whole story is how it overshadowed everything else in the world of sports. Forget the fact that the Seahawks and the Steelers just made the Super Bowl (the Seahawks' first Super Bowl appearance). Forget that the Suns and the Sonics were in a double OT thriller that resulted in the most combined 3-pointers in NBA history. Forget that all 3 undefeated college basketball teams all lost on Saturday. And I'm also pretty sure everyone forgot that Skating with Celebrities comes on tonight. This man just scored the second-most points by an individual in NBA history. Ever. Speaking of which, the record for the most is 100 by Wilt Chamberlain in 1962. While I'm pretty convinced that record will never be beat, you have to think about the fact that he was a 7 footer in a time when the tallest players were 6'7. So he probably just dunked on everyone and made majority of his free throws. This Kobe feat is much more impressive. There was no posting up and dunking on shorter opponents. This man was shooting jumpers. Driving to the basket. Getting to the line. Shooting efficiently. Just playing spectacular basketball.

Now, while I realize that Kobe will still be Kobe and people will find ways to hate on him regardless, I also realize that this is probably the single-greatest individual basketball performance I'll ever witness in my lifetime. I also realize that this performance makes him a mortal lock for the MVP Award, although the season doesn't end until May. People (including myself) always like to speculate on whether LeBron will ever be better than Jordan was, but I think last night's performance automatically includes Kobe into that conversation. Is he better than Jordan right now? Tough to say. If he takes this Laker team to the playoffs and wins 3 more rings to match Jordan's 6, maybe I'll consider it. Now, this game doesn't negate his possible image-killing rape case. Nor does it erase the way he treated Shaq and exiled him out of L.A. Nor will it stop anyone from referring to him as a selfish player time and time again. But hey, I'd say it comes pretty darn close.

The Shame of My Chromosome

2006-01-22T10:27:00.001-05:00

One night (day?) many moons ago after an event I would rather not think about or discuss, I was conceived. Fate determined that the cells meeting to embark upon the formation of a new human being happened to be of differing type; one X and one Y. I've learned that in-group biases- where one favors his own kind and gives them the benefit of doubt more often than not- are a natural part of the human condition. Whatevs. You know what? I need to say it. The Y is pissing me off. In short, we suck. Check out this article:

"Wah, wah, wah... boys are falling behind"

I empathize with the oppressed. It makes me feel good; however, I cannot empathize with MALES complaining about this kind of thing. Why are boys falling behind? Because they're idiots... I went to high school, the boys only cared about getting crunk and breasts. That was it. Meanwhile, the girls were worried about their futures. Not only are boys not oppressed, but they're the exact opposite! Why do we have to make excuses for them bouncing off the walls in class and acting stupid? It's the dark side of entitlement, I tells ya.

There was definitely a vibe out there with guys thinking everything would work out for them. The worst case scenario would be working one of those mysteriously high-paying blue-collar jobs like plumbing. Girls don't have that kind of stuff to fall back on. They know it's gonna be brainpower or nothing... Unless they're model-hot or something; but that's pretty rare. And plumbing is hard! It's not like Mario Brothers where you have a talking mushroom working the finances.

Anyway. Stop bitching, stop blaming teaching biases and feminism, or uppity women or whatever and get on the ball. The heavens graced us with Ritalin for a reason. If this keeps up, I'm gonna become a full-blown feminist. Not just a "women are cool" feminist either... I mean one of those "take it over ladies" feminists.

Hillary '08

Google Video

2006-01-21T20:09:00.000-05:00

My dorm room has become obsessed with Google Video. I'm perfectly aware that this isn't new or obscure at all, but I'm going to act like I'm introducing the whole thing to you for the first time:

Google Video is an assortment of random video from all across the internets. I guess people submit their videos to Google, and then they hook it up to the magic search engine machine. Recently they added some "legitimate" content, like NBA basketball games and reruns of CBS television shows; but that's not what GV (as the cool kids call it) is all about. This post is also serving as a test, since I believe that I can actually post Google Videos into blog entries. We will soon see.

To try this out, I will post a video that epitomizes the kind of material you will find if you scour GV for long enough. I could link to something that's actually funny or interesting, but I'd much prefer to creep you out and make you reconsider bringing another human being into this world one day. With no further ado, Pokemon Kid...

This is also a breakthrough since I can now get lazy and just throw a video on here when I don't feel like writing anything... oh wait, no.

Ode to the Red Solo Cup

2006-01-21T10:10:00.000-05:00

College life can be a harrowing experience. Everyone is taken out of their carefully constructed high school personas and forced to build up a brand new one for post-secondary school audiences. For a lot of people, this can be a great time to "bust out of their shells", or take the first steps away from what they're supposed to be, and towards what they want to be.

But what about the cool kids? I dumped head after head into public bathroom toilets. I practice my spitballing technique for hours on end, all to get that laugh in 3rd period math and a high five in the lunch line. I WORE TOMMY GEAR!

Well, fear not. If I've learned anything since high school, it's that coolness (and thus, happiness) can be achieved through the possession of a singular inanimate object... The red solo cup.

Why does it have to be a solo cup? Probably because they're cheap, but not too cheap. You want value, not cancer. Why red? Because red is the color of power, and power is what being cool is all about. Some may say that the red solo cup in itself is meaningless, and that the true secret resides within that plastic vessel. Perhaps alcohol is the answer. Alas, no. Alcohol may help make you more "interesting" for the moment, but it will not make you cool. What makes you cool is getting your picture taken with that telltale piece of plasticware in you hand. Make sure that there's plenty of red-eye in that photo too, because you're wasted and your pupils are incapacitated. One of those shell necklaces and an improperly positioned baseball cap are also suggested. If you're gonna imbibe, do it right! Let's wrap with a tribute in haiku form.

Oh, Red Solo Cup
Marker of prosperity
Cool kids are hella tight

The 80s Were Terrible: #6

2006-01-18T16:53:00.000-05:00

Before I came to college, little did I know that I was stepping into a world of 80s celebrationists. This general glorification of that horrible decade seems to center around a certain kind of event-- the 80s Party. I have spent three semesters in college, and there have been at least 5 different 80s parties, including 80s parties held by single dorm rooms under their own administration. I guess the girls like dressing up and the guys like the girls, but it seems that a large draw of these parties is crappy 80s music; bringing us to #6 on our countdown of terror...

Hair Bands

I swear-- if I am subjected to some random Bon Jovi outburst ONE MORE TIME I'm going to discover time travel, contruct a machine, jump back to 1977 and punch that piece of crap in the throat... hard. "Living on a Prayer" is garbage. "Shot Through The Heart" is like a swarm of bees rushing into my ear canals. "Wanted Dead or Alive" is a song with a correct answer. "You Give Love a Bad Name"? You give music a bad name. If Grog the music-creating caveman knew that his work would result in this, he would knock that rock through his skull instead of against the wall. Bon Jovi definitely isn't the end of it. Poison, White Snake, Motley Crue, Skid Row, Guns 'n Roses... ATROCIOUS. Ugh. It's bad enough when I have to hear this refuse every once in a while; how the hell did people put up with it when it was on the radio non-stop? People today complain about "Hollaback Girl" and "My Humps". Give me Gwen Stefani repeating the word shit for 4 minutes over a Poison power ballad anyday.

Even More Naomi Watts

2006-01-14T02:32:00.000-05:00

A few days ago, I posted about the Naomi Watts celebration known as King Kong. Well, now she's going to get a second post. I think this puts her into a tie with the Red Ranger/Slavco from that VH1 reality series that I watched occasionally over the summer for "most posted about individual". Forget that I mentioned that.

Anywizzle, as I vegetated over my winter break from college, I decided that an excellent way to waste time would be to watch some of the content on the HBO Video OnDemand station that comes with my digital cable subscription (Time Warner baby!). This was a good idea until I started waking up at 3pm every afternoon; so I ended up getting through only two movies. One prominently featured Naomi Watts, and the other starred Nicole Kidman, who is pretty much the same person.

I'm going to throw this lame one-liner out there whether I actually think it's funny or not. You will never know my true feelings:

I Hearted Huckabees!

That deserves at least 3 LOLs. I can't count on anyone having seen this, but any plot summary I give would not make ANY sense. Instead, I'll only summarize Naomi Watts' role. She's Huckabees' spokesmodel (Huckabees is a department store... think Macy's), she's Jude Law's girlfriend, she wears an existential bonnet. The film, though un-summarizable, was interesting and funny.

The other movie I watched was Dogville, which had a plot that I can summarize. Nicole Kidman is some 1930s mobster's daughter that runs away out west. She ends up in tiny, poor town full of strange people. Then a bunch of weird stuff happens. Eventually she ends up with a chain around her neck. The end is semi-surprising and moderately disturbing; which is always a plus. Various sources on the internets tell me that this is an America-bashing film, but it was made by an insane foreign filmmaker; and much like any American worth his salt, I ignore all criticism of this great land. America, F--- Yeah. But seriously, I saw a Jesus thing going on more than anything. Then again, I see Jesus in a lot of things-- unfortunately not in anything I could sell on eBay or get featured on the 10pm news... yet.

I think I went into this with a point, but it's gone now.

Sidenote: I might avoid posting for a while just because that picture at the top of the page looks great.

What's In A Name?

2006-01-07T03:48:00.000-05:00

In theory, every parent wants the best for their child. I mean, even the most neglectful parent isn't interested in being hit with a criminal negligence charge and jail time for being too lazy to keep their baby alive. That means that even the worst parents are forced to put in a good deal of effort-- and if you're gonna go through all of that, you might as well raise a good one, right? The thing is, many parents, even ones that do genuinely care about raising upstanding kids, make critical errors EARLY in the game.

They give their kids terrible names.

I touched on this previously in the Proof review, where I slammed Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin for naming their kid Apple. In all seriousness, that was a stretch. Apple is a strange name, but not too terrible of one. It'll bring on some schoolyard heckling, and maybe a beating or two, but the little lady should be fine. However, there are same names that should draw some kind of monetary fine in an attempt to curb bad parenting. I can't prove this, but it just seems to me (and of course, everyone else) that certain types of names go a long way towards shaping the person that child ends up being.

1. Old, Stodgy, Obsolete Names: Abraham, Maximilian, Bartholomew

I don't care if there's a biblical origin, some kind of family history, whatever. If you name your son Phineus, he's in trouble. He's not going to get light Apple-type needling; he's going to get non-stop criticism that will invariably turn him into a cold, hardened, souless asshole. Do you want that? Bartholomew is slightly better since it's also the name of a famous cartoon character-- but that will bring its own problems. Just don't do it.

2. Old Woman Names: Mildred, Gertrude, Ida

Again, I don't care where the name comes from. You know what happens to a little girl named Gertrude? She gets treated like a Gertrude. That means like an old woman. This is not good times. No matter how many scantily-clad pictures Gerty puts up on MySpace/Facebook, she's still going to be expected to wear a bonnet and a girdle. Your daughter will not appreciate it. There's also a 75% chance she becomes an alcoholic trying to show that she's nothing like her name makes her out to be.

3. Cute Names: Brittany, Kaylee, Tammy

This seems like a good idea when you have a baby coming home and waking you up everynight, or a toddler running around breaking everything because it reminds you "hey, this thing is kind of cute... I won't strangle it yet". First of all, I do not support infanticide, so you're a horrible person. Second, you shouldn't need a cutesy name to keep yourself from murdering a small child-- again, terrible person. These names even work in high school. Isn't "Brittany" just the perfect cheerleader name? Cheerleaders run the universe, so this isn't necessarily a bad thing. The problem arises years later, when "Tammy" is trying to become a partner at a law firm, or "Kaylee" is running for senate. Worst of all, Grandma Brittany just doesn't look, feel or sound right. All grandmas should have the names listed under #2. If you're going to go this route, make sure to give a neutral middle name, so that your baby has a choice later on. Think... "Mary" or "Elizabeth".

4. Hot Names: Amber, Summer, Autumn

These names just put too much pressure on a child. Your kid is going to go through life being expected to be a bombshell, and if the cards don't fall right, she's going to have some awkward first impressions. It's also scientific fact that these names raise your child's chances of working in the sex industry 500%.

King Kong

2006-01-06T02:06:00.000-05:00

Also known as "Naomi Watts' Closeup"

I haven't done a "review" in a long time because, frankly, they're hard to do. Thinking up new ways to say that a movie sucks is not my idea of fun, and as such, I am not achieving the flow that I need to pump out such stirring literary content. How can this be addressed? By seeing a GOOD movie. How can this be addressed even more? By seeing a GOOD movie with Naomi Watts in it. I shouldn't need to explain, but I will anyway since I am untrusting of those around me; especially the 2-4 people that read this blog. It's because she's quite the looker.

Ms. Watts' beauty would normally not be mentioned so prominently in one of my writings, as such crass subject matter is below me. In this case however, I was clearly supposed to hit on this point, since director Peter Jackson decided that I needed to sit through roughly 40 minutes of extreme closeups on her face. I suppose that's a little more artistically valid than say, a cleavage or ass shot, but it's still sketch*. The main character is already a 30ft gorilla that is incapable of verbal communication, so the looooooong silent gazes upon Naomi's impeccably constructed features were not helpful as I quested to get through the 3-hour film in a fully conscious state.

Now, I have thus far refused to watch even a second of Jackson's Lord of The Rings trilogy, so I ask: does he normally do this? Did he have the camera leer at Liv Tyler for uncomfortably long amounts of time? I need to know if he actually was crushing on Naomi, or if he's just a closeup slut, jumping from one Hollywood starlet to the next. Ok, Liv Tyler isn't exactly a starlet, but you get the idea.

My last note is that Jack Black should never attempt to do a serious role again. He's just incapable; it almost ruined the entire thing for me. It's not that he was bad, it's just that I kept having flashbacks to the guy running around in his tighty whiteys in "Orange County"... didn't help that Colin Hanks was in both flicks as well.

* - I don't use this term or it's cousin "sketchy", but I decided to write it anyway

The Codes: Talking Codes

2006-01-04T00:05:00.000-05:00

When it comes to relationships, there are different levels of understanding involving the members of said relationship depending on the feelings of those members at any given time. What that basically means is that when you are involved with someone, there are different levels to which you can be involved. Everyone knows what a crush is, and everyone knows what it means to have a girlfriend/boyfriend, but what about the level in between? Well, this step is what some of us like to call the "talking period". The talking period is best explained as that point where it's understood that the two members of the relationship both have feelings for each other, but they’re not quite yet ready to start dating. So they have this talking period to basically feel each other out, see if this person is going to be worth both their time and attention as a girlfriend/boyfriend. Now, just as there are codes to be followed within the context of a relationship, there are also codes that must be followed if you ever want to get to the point where you have an actual, substantial relationship. I will discuss those codes, now.

1. The Phone Code - Many of these codes might seem unnecessary or ridiculous to any males who might come upon this blog, but if you’re a girl, you know the importance of structure during the talking period. The phone code is a perfect example of something that is a bigger deal to girls than it is to guys. First off, the phone code says that after you get a girl's number, you must call her within 2-3 days. Maybe you can even get away with 4 days. The reasoning here is that if you wait past 4 days, she'll think you lost interest, seeing as how you didn't even make it a priority to call her. On the other hand, if you call her too early, like say, the same night you get the number, you make yourself look way too open, and you're doomed from the beginning.

2. The Space Code - Let's face it: no one likes a clingy, overbearing, smothering boyfriend/girlfriend. So guess what's even worse? Yeah, you guessed it; a smothering, overbearing person-who-you-kinda-like-but-aren't-really-together-with-yet. You know the type of person who always calls you, always wants to go out with you, is always hanging on your arm, and is always seems to find ways to be around you 24/7? Yeah, I can pretty much guarantee that if you act this way, you have a slim chance in ever starting a relationship. (Why do slim chance and fat chance mean the same thing?) Also, if you've never seen someone like this, guess what? Chances are, you're that person, and yes, that's exactly why he never called you back.

3. The Taboo Code - There are certain topics of discussion that shouldn't quite be brought to the table before you've actually begun dating someone. There are other topics that probably should never be brought up, ever. Topics like these should probably be avoided at all costs if you want the other member of the relationship to continue conversation with you. For instance, it might be a bad idea to start a conversation saying, "So, if we got married..." or "Well, the first time I was arrested..." There are a few things that just scare people away. So next time you're about to tell someone you're talking to about the time you lost your virginity at the age of 11, think twice before you open your mouth.

4. The Interest Code - This code should probably go without saying, but for some reason, I think it needs to be said. If you're talking to someone, and you like them, let them know. Not sure why this is, but some people find it difficult to tell the one they're talking to that they're feeling them. And I feel like guys are guiltier of this than girls are. For some reason or another, guys have a problem showing their feelings. Must be some kind of internal imbalance inherent in males. Well, all males except for myself, of course. Now, don't get it misoverstood, this is much more difficult than it seems. Because the key here is to let her know you like her, but without sounding like you're all head over heels. I guess at the end of the day it's all tactful flirting, really. You know, let her know how nice she looks, but avoid, "Wow, I can't believe how hot you are." Let her know you appreciate her company, but avoid, "God, I want to spend forever with you." Just let her know how you feel so she doesn't have to run around guessing. And this applies to you too, ladies. Because we all know how much women like to play the run-around.

5. The Hook-Up Code - This is arguably the most important code of them all. To be honest, the way this code is handled can often dictate where the relationship goes from that point on. The hook-up code basically refers to where each member of the relationship stands in regards to, umm, physical activity. For instance, if one of the individuals has a "no sex outside of a relationship" rule, and the other tries to seduce them, you might have a problem. If one doesn't believe in kissing on the first date, and the other says they wouldn't have paid for dinner if they knew, that might raise an issue. You never want to overstep someone else's boundaries, and boundaries of the sexual persuasion are often the most touchy. So you should probably get that situated from the very beginning. Because no one wants to be exploited, especially not physically. (And I write this realizing that this code really only applies to females, because it's close to impossible for a guy to be physically exploited by someone that he likes.)

At the end of the day, these codes really all come down to the same thing: the upper hand. Any relationship where love is not involved is about attaining the upper hand. (Love is very complex and is kinda on a level of its own; this phenomenon changes the dynamics of any relationship and upper hand becomes less applicable.) You see, whenever love is not involved and two people are attracted to each other, person A will most likely like person B more than B likes A. Whoever likes the other more is automatically at a lower pedestal as far as vulnerability is concerned, and the other person has upper hand. In the rare occasion where they like each other equally, upper hand can go back and forth between the two parties. Now, the upper hand is achieved different ways. Some people achieve upper hand by keeping the other person guessing (i.e. the hard to get gimmick). Others do it by leading the person to believe that they are a dominant personality (i.e. acting harder than they actually are). Yet others, such as yours truly, let the other person think that they are in control, when in actuality, you are allowing them to have only as much control as you permit. This way, they're happy because they think they have upper hand, and on account of this, they treat you better and do things they usually wouldn't do, keeping you happy. Clearly, I’m making this sound way more difficult than it actually should, but if you just stick to the codes, you should be alright.

Mark Warner Is Too Creepy-Looking to be President

2005-12-29T23:00:00.000-05:00

I hate to steer this thing towards politics... but too bad. This is Governor Mark Warner of Virginia. Warner is shaping up to be Sen. Hillary Clinton's main competition for the Democratic nomination in the 2008 Presidential election (the one that the Democrat, whoever it is, has NO EXCUSE to lose... NONE). What makes Warner appealing? Well, he's insanely popular as a Democrat in what has been a strong Red State, he's wealthy, he's building up a war chest, and he's relatively young. Yeah, whatever.

Look, I'm going to square with you. My biggest problem with Mark Warner is that he's not Hillary Clinton. I'm on her side big-time. She went to NY under heavy fire for being a political oppertunist and a carpetbagger and has done nothing but succeed despite that. She's very popular, even in that mysterious "upstate" region that includes roughly 85% of the state geographically. Not being Hillary Clinton isn't really a problem that Warner can address. I apologize. My second problem with the governor is also one that he can't really address... Dude looks friggin' creepy.

In a perfect world, the looks of a candidate wouldn't matter. The platform presented, mastery of the issues and ability to lead would be the criteria upon which to base our votes. Well, in a perfect world a woman, black, asian, hispanic, jewish or gay person would have been president by now. Excuse me while I step away from the keyboard to laugh hysterically.

Ok, back. The point is that this world is not perfect, and contrary to popular belief, Mark Warner isn't either. John Kerry's resemblance to those talking trees in the Wizard of Oz had just as much to do with his loss as a complete failure to establish a message and snooty know-it-all image. Michael Dukakis' absurd eyebrows were just as damaging as his decision to go GI Joe in front of a camera crew. Bob Dole looked like he could barely stay awake, how the hell could he fight the terrorists and such? I fear that some of our greatest presidents wouldn't be able to make the cut today with all of the media focus. Honest Abe looked like an early prototype for Dr. Frankenstein. I'm not even sure that Teddy Roosevelt was a real person; in fact the cartoons that I see of him now sometimes bear a closer resemblance to actual humanity than real photographs. Let's not even get started on Taft.

So, when you enter that voting booth in the Democratic primaries in 2008, remember; you're going to have to see closeups of this guy's face on a regular basis for at least four years. Wouldn't you rather see this?

The 80s Were Terrible: #7

2005-12-23T22:03:00.000-05:00

Another day, another reason why the 80s blew. Oftentimes I wish I were younger just so I could say that I had no connection to the 80s at all, then I realize that I would have missed out on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which is today's ok thing about the 80s. Of course, these cool things combined don't even counteract a single Wham! song, so the decade loses as a whole. Today's issue with the 80s is a matter of national pride.

The Seventh Worst Thing About The 1980s: Olympic Boycotts

In 1980, President Jimmy Carter decided to boycott the summer Olympics due to the USSR's decision to invade Afghanistan in 1979. Was this in the spirit of the games as a two-week period where politics don't matter? Hell no, but Jimmy Carter was a badass and would take no gruff. That invasion greatly contributed to the terrorism coming of of the mideast currently, so he was probably right in his decision. Some of the less badass nations like France and the UK didn't fully back the boycott (they did send smaller delegations than usual... but that defeats the purpose of a boycott), but many nations did. In retaliation, the USSR and its associates (you know the rundown) boycotted the 1984 Games held in Los Angeles, CA. While the US's boycott was principled and awesome, the USSR boycott was whiny and spiteful. At least that's what Uncle Sam tells me. I'm sure Americans just ignored the '80 Olympics, and since we were ridiculously dominant without the #2 world power present at the '84 games, I'm sure we didn't care again.

The biggest loss here? National pride. This stuff went down in the midst of the Cold War, and a little athletic beatdown would have accelerated the Soviet Union's deterioration. I'm going to say these events (the boycotts) cost the nation 2-3 years of effort and hundreds of millions of dollars, although the LA Olympics were the first (only?)* to ever run a profit...

(NO OLYMPICS IN NEW YORK CITY)

* - in no way was this "fact" verified, well the part about being the first was, but not the only

The 80s Were Terrible: #8

2005-12-14T14:48:00.000-05:00

In my continued crusade against all things 80s, we now look at a particular film. I would argue that The Fast and the Furious was one of the worst things to ever happen to this country, as it led to reckless driving and semi-legitimacy for Paul Walker. Well, this one is kind of the TFATF for the 80s. But first, as promised, a positive from the 80s: Super Bowl XXI

Eighth Worst Thing About The 1980s: Scarface

Let me explain myself. I've seen Scarface, and I enjoyed it. Who doesn't like a good Scarface impression? Plus it had a young Michelle Pfeiffer looking just strung out enough, but not to the point where you felt like she would make important parts of your anatomy spontaneously combust on contact. The incestuous undertones were weird, but whatever.

I have two issues here:

1. Scarface is not THAT good
Like I said, I've seen the movie, and I enjoyed it. I've also seen things like "Just Friends" and "Zoolander" and enjoyed those as well. These are not good works of cinema, they were just nice mental getaways. I consider Scarface to be the same thing. Tony Montana's accent is ridiculous. Ridiculously funny and entertaining, yes, but ridiculous nonetheless. The storyline is kind of stupid, and the ending is beyond laughable. Again, entertaining, but entertaining in the same way that shooting down helicopters in Grand Theft Auto is entertaining. This was fun for a second, but let's move on to something more substantial. The worst part of this massive overrating is what it does in the context of other films. I hear people mention this thing in the same breath as Goodfellas and The Godfather I/II. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? First of all, I don't see any Brando or De Niro in Scarface, nor do I see any PI Pacino (PI - pre-insanity... something happened to that guy). The blood and cursing do not make it one of the great movies of all time, which is what you're saying when you compare it to those other gangster films. Stop this crap.

2. Tony Montana Is Not a Role Model
You know how an episode of MTV Cribs is not complete without a glance at the Scarface poster and the DVD collection that has the widescreen, special edition, special 20th anniversary edition, unrated version, and director's cut of Scarface? And then this is followed by a little bit where the celebrity says how cool Scarface was and how he influenced them in their career? WHAT THE ----? Scarface was a convict-turned cocaine dealer sent into the United States by Fidel Castro specifically to unleash a plague of crime upon the streets of Miami. This is the guy that helped you get that record deal? Tony Montana is a drug addict and a cold-blooded murderer... he drove you through those two-a-days in high school training camp? WOW. End this garbage too. Go watch Stand and Deliver for inspiration. At least the kids don't die in a hail of gunfire.

The Decline of a Pop Princess

2005-12-12T23:40:00.000-05:00

Today, I would like to pay homage to someone who used to be special. Someone who people used to look up to and aspire to be like. Someone who used to be a pop icon. Today, I'd like to show my respect to what used to be Britney Spears.

Now, I realize many of the things mentioned in this post may seem ridiculously outdated, and you may actually hurt your head as you struggle trying to think back to the good days of Britney. Yes, I know it was a long time ago. Just bear with me. Now, do you remember when Britney came out? Do you really? The year was 1999, and Britney burst onto the music scene with her first single, "Baby One More Time." Despite the sexual undertones throughout the song and the fact that she girated around in the video wearing a trashy translation of a Catholic schoolgirl uniform, she maintained the squeaky clean bubblegum pop sensation image that was wildly popular at the time (what exactly does "bubblegum" mean?). Remember the Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, and the Spice Girls? Yeah, it was back then. Her first album was just as innocent as her image, as it featured songs entitled "Soda Pop" and "E-Mail My Heart." Many people were curious as to which image of Britney was the correct one: the sexy dancing schoolgirl who helped many boys at the time through puberty or the cheesy girl from the "Sometimes" video. (If you remember that video, you remember how cheesy she actually was. If you don't, you're lucky.) It's funny, because she'd have all these "I'm such an innocent little girl" quotes in all the magazines, but then she'd do things like pose for Rolling Stone with her shirt open. Despite much prodding by the media, she maintained that she was a virgin and even strongly supported abstinence. Oh yeah, and she sold a crapload of records and won a lot of awards, outdueling the likes of pre-Nick Jessica Simpson and pre-slut Christina Aguilera (that's a whole new post in itself). You starting to remember her? OK, hold off the migraine for now, there's more.

So after this album makes her a big star, she follows it up with Oops!...I Did It Again in 2000, featuring the hit song entitled, well, "Oops!...I Did It Again". I'm still not really sure how this song was so popular, but it was. I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I say that no single should ever have the word "oops" in it. Well, despite having terrible singles such as "Oops!", "Stronger", and "Lucky", she was still a hit, and she had pre-teen girls across the country wishing they were Britney, as pre-teen boys across the country dreamed they actually had a chance at being her first. So now she's making even more money and her album sells even more than the first one did (I'm guessing here, I didn't actually research that). Anyway, while she's raking in serious dough for making bad music, she starts to date N'Sync front man Justin Timberlake, whose group had just overtaken the Backstreet Boys for the title of "boy band with the most annoying fans". This is apparently a big deal, and there were more tabloid stories on them than times Courtney Love has appeared on TV high (if that's possible). Then, at the MTV Video Music Awards, she rips off her costume during her performance, revealing a nude-colored skin suit. And to top it all off, a rumor began to circle that she had gotten breast implants because she had gotten noticeably bigger. Despite all this, she still tried to maintain that she was a good girl, claiming to still be a virgin and denying the implants rumor. Alright, don't pass out just yet; we're almost at the present.

By 2001, a new Britney decided to show herself (and all of herself) to the public. She released the self-titled Britney album with a completely revamped and sexier image. It may sound difficult to be able to boost sex appeal after appearing on MTV with a naked suit on, but trust me when I tell you she pulled it off. Her first single was entitled "I'm A Slave 4 U", and the video looked like a massive orgy in a shady underground establishment, complete with minimum clothing, excessive sweat, and weird-looking metrosexual dancers wearing shabby beards. Although this was clearly the point of no return for her innocent act, she claimed that the song was simply about being "a slave for the music". I'm pretty sure everyone realized she was a liar at this point, and the bigger breasts suddenly made sense. This album also featured the single "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman". Aparently, now that she was a legal adult, she wanted to shed her "little girl" image. It's kinda like how Lil' Bow Wow attempted to shed the little kid image by dropping the Lil' in his name and appearing in movies such as Johnson Family Vacation and Roll Bounce. Pretty sure it didn't really work, especially since I just referred to him as "Lil' Bow Wow". I guess Britney figured the best way to do that was by appearing to be a whore. Oh yeah, and she starred in a movie of her own, as well. It was entitled Crossroads, and judging by the horrendous reviews it received, I'm gonna go ahead and guess it sucked. After her motion picture tragedy, Britney made an even bigger mistake which very well may have been the deciding factor in her career turning into the trash heap it is today. She broke up with Justin Timberlake. This may not seem like a big deal in retrospect, but trust me, it was. I mean, they were Hollywood's "it" couple. This is not like a Jennifer Lopez relationship of today, where you just expect them to get married and break up in a few months. People actually liked them together. The effect this had on pop culture at the time was tremendous. And the effect the breakup had on the rest of Britney's career is even more disastrous.

OK, so she just finished making a horrendous movie and broke up with Justin (Justin freakin' Timberlake, for crying out loud!). So what do you think she does next to get herself back in the zone? She releases a new album, aptly named, well, In The Zone. But before the album is released, she pulls a publicity stunt bigger than the Rolling Stone cover or the nude-colored suit. She performs at the MTV Awards with Madonna and career rival Christina Aguilera, and she makes out with Madonna on stage. Needless to say, this was made a big deal out of as well. Just think about it; this is the same girl that once adamantly defended her virginity. The same girl that looked like she was the girl next door on the album of her first cover. The same girl who was once on the Mickey Mouse Club. Now she's making out with Madonna?? And it doesn't end there. About 6 months later, she married a guy named Jason Alexander at a sleazy chapel in Vegas. No, she didn't marry George Costanza from Seinfeld. After she divorced the guy within the next 55 hours, she said it was just "a joke". I know America is a ridiculous country and I know most marriages in this country end in divorce, but for her to refer to it as a joke? And meanwhile, this guy is heartbroken. Apparently, he was a childhood friend of Britney's, and after a night of way too much partying and probably a few too many Long Island Ice Teas, she decided it would be funny to get married. But this guy, he actually wanted to stay with her. He probably had it bad for her even since they were like 9, never really had a chance with her, goes out to Vegas with her to party like 12 years later, and gets married to her after years of waiting for that exact thing to happen. And then, in less than 3 days, it's all over. Unlucky guy. But back to what's important here; Britney is slowly killing what used to be the most successful teenage musical career of all times. And right when you think it can't get any worse, it does.

Forget breaking up with Justin. Forget the naked suit. Forget the Madonna kiss and the fake wedding. Here is the single-most career ending move made by Britney that insured her career to never again be worth anything. She married some white trash dirty-looking country wigga named Kevin Federline. Just look at this guy. He's terrible. And the fact that Britney Spears, someone who used to be biggest pop icon in the country, someone who everyone either wanted to be like or be with, someone who could get any guy she wanted (Justin freakin' Timberlake!), chose to be with this guy is actually one of the biggest mysteries in American history. In fact, it's right up there with "How did O.J. get off?" and "What happened to Michael Jackson's face?" At this point, it seemed like she just didn't care anymore. She would be seen with this clown in the tabloids wearing sweats with her hair looking a hot mess, while he walked around with his jeans half off his butt and a backwards hat on, doing his best impression of a rapper gone broke. It was one of things that would just make you shake your head everytime you saw a picture of the two of them. Kinda like when you watch Paul Walker attempt to act in a movie or whenever you see Doug Christie give that stupid sign to his wife after every basket. It was actually sad. And as if just being married to Kevin wasn't embarrassing enough, the two of them had a reality show on UPN which was basically just them exchanging a camcorder and talking about how much they loved each other. It was pathetic. I'm really not sure which was the worst part; the fact they decided to have a reality show, the fact that the show didn't really show us anything, the fac tthat they taped it with a camcorder, or the fact that it was on UPN. Just deplorable on all accounts. And just recently she had a baby with the guy, which pretty much denies any possible chance of her ever making music again.

As we look at her career from beginning to end, we can see that she really just fell off. She went from alleged virgin to trashy whore. From Justin Timberlake to Kevin Federline. From Grammy nominations to Bingo night at the trailer park. From an icon to a joke. And as we look at her decline, we can really blame it all on one thing. Her decision to break up with Justin. You see, she did more than ruin a relationship. She ruined her career, and essentially, ruined her life. If you look back, you can see that her career went nowhere but downhill as soon as they split. And now her life is in shambles, as she's become a dirty-mouthed chainsmoker who married white trash and just had his baby. Pretty sad, actually. Meanwhile, Justin left N'Sync, had a multi-platinum selling album, and is currently dating Cameron Diaz. While the rest of us shake our heads when we see Britney, I can't help but think that Justin is somewhere laughing.

The 80s Were Terrible: #9

2005-12-11T23:30:00.000-05:00

This is the second of a 10 part series on the 80s being absolute crap. I think I should acknowledge something that was a little less crappy about the decade in each on of these entries. This will also allow me to stretch the title paragraph and make these things look longer... I mean, allow me to further express myself. So here it is: that video for "Take On Me" by A-Ha is kind of cool. On with the bashing.

The Ninth Worst Thing About The 1980s: Yuppies

I don't mean to imply that Christian Bale or American Psycho suck, in fact, they are both quite awesome. However, American Psycho is full of Yuppies, and the idiocy of the Yuppies portrayed makes the reckless murder that goes on a little easier on the palette. Yes, Patrick Bateman is a classic Yuppie himself, but since he kills so many he actually works out to be an asset to Yuppie/Non-Yuppie balance.

So what is a Yuppie? Yuppies were incredibly self-absorbed young businesspeople in the 80s that got rich as the economy TEMPORARILY boomed FOR THE VERY WEALTHY thanks to crazy-ass Reagan's ridiculous economic policy and Japan's financial emergence. These people went ape(expletive deleted) as they hit the world with their cash and lack of personal integrity. They drove ugly 80s-style cars, snorted coke in clubs while lame 80s music blared, played racqetball during lunch, exploited the middle class for personal gain and produced maladjusted children as they were too busy buying ugly cars/snorting coke/playing raquetball/f**king over regular people to raise their kids properly. If you dislike the the current direction of American culture, you can blame a lot of that on Yuppies, and therefore the 80s. I bet you're starting to wonder if Thriller was worth it, aren't ya?

Snow Day!!!

2005-12-09T07:51:00.000-05:00

Apparently, "The Perfect Storm 2: Winter Edition" is developing over the northeast today, and although I don't have class on Friday anyway (I should be paid to design schedules for people), the realization that with college comes the effective death of snow days has come upon me. I remember getting up extra early on those days and turning on the television to see what school districts had found it in their hearts to allow the kids to stay inside from the arctic hell that had formed outside their homes... and then being disappointed.

I am more than grateful of having been blessed with an upbringing in the greater metropolitan area of New York, but one of the downsides was that there as an idea out that we should all be tough and capable of getting the roads together well enough to conduct regular business regardless of weather conditions. Maybe this is true in The City (note the capitalization, you know what I'm talking about), but I didn't exactly live in the city. We had that city attitude, but not the city capabilities of snow removal. Instead, we would too often end up in school as Mother Nature took a proverbial dump on the human race. This was followed by delightful trudges back through slush to return to our abodes and do the homework that we wouldn't have had if school were cancelled...

Back to the college thing. Conveniently, though last year was one of the worst for snowfall in the recorded history of the planet, the really big snows seemed to always occur on weekends or during breaks from school. So what would happen? The snow would be allowed to block every walkway imaginable... UNTIL MONDAY, when it would magically be gone so as to allow class to go on. I don't mind going to class, but when the walkway cleaning is so obviously done without regard to student comfort I get a little angry. All I ask is that things like my ability to eat meals in the dining hall or go to the library be taken into account. Is that too much to ask? IS IT? As I write this, the bottom step to the building next door (which luckily contains my dining hall!) and the new snow-aided ground level are equalizing. This has been my rant that nobody will care about.

Fear not, the 80s bashing will resume shortly.

Memoirs of a Geisha - Filmless Review

2005-12-08T02:40:00.000-05:00

Part two of the big filmless review double-feature. There are many similarities between this one and our other review; hey both are based on books I have never even considered reading, both have outstanding posters, and they are both being released on December 9th... at least in certain cities (Geisha releases wide on December 16). Ok, not really that similar. I would guess that Geisha doesn't have talking animals (save for a possible dream sequence or something) or the potential for six sequels. The lack of sequel potential becomes even more obvious when you look at some of the reviews this is getting. What a dog!

Memoirs of a Geisha also shares another trait in common with the Chronicles of Narnia... literal film titles! This is excellent since I didn't plan on doing much plot summary anyway! These are the memoirs of a geisha working during World War II in Kyoto (hope this film doesn't violate protocol... *rimshot*). The geisha were/are women that worked/work in Japan as hostesses? I don't really know how to describe it. They were trained in literature, arts, conversation, etc. and would be paid by men to just sort of hang out. It should be made clear that geisha were/are NOT prostitutes, at least not generally. Whether you are happy or disappointed about that says sheds a great deal of light upon your personal moral fiber.

As I said, the reviews aren't too hot, but the poster is. Considering that I have absolutely no shot of seeing the Chronicles of Narnia and King Kong comes out on the 14th, I could possibly be talked into seeing this. At the very least it will be filmed well, have pretty visuals, and make our site look nice while the poster sits near the top of the front page. Are those visuals worth the $10.50 a movie ticket costs here? Depends on how bored I get.

Chronicles of Narnia - Filmless Review

2005-12-07T07:02:00.000-05:00

This week I'm going to do two filmless reviews. One, because I haven't done a review in so long. Two, because they're both film adaptations of books that I never read. Three, because I have very little to talk about so these will be shorter entries than I would like. Anyway...

The Chronicles of Narnia are some fantasy books written by C.S. Lewis and released in the 1950s that seem to have a following amongst people somewhere. I've never been into the fantasy genre, so I could easily start lambasting this stuff right now, but that would be unfair. Instead I will just say that I see a talking lion in all of the trailers, and that immediately prevents me from even considering a ticket buy. The "CON" are really a series of seven books, and quite literally follow the Chronicles of Narnia. While this undoubtedly yields a depth of exploration and understanding that any single text would be incapable to convey, it also makes my attempts to summarize plot impossible. There's something about some kids that travel to this mythical land of Narnia and fight for its freedom... and along the way encounter talking animals. Good times.

Uh, the reviews look pretty good, and the special effects look decent. That poster is also damn cool. What the hell, I recommend it (if you're into this stuff, which I am not... so I guess I don't recommend it)

Memoirs of a Geisha soon... maybe even today!

The NBA is rigged!

2005-12-05T17:03:00.000-05:00

As a big fan of basketball, this post is actually going to hurt me to write. But it has become quite obvious that this matter needs to be discussed and introduced to those not in the know. The National Basketball Association is rigged. We as fans are being lied to, deceived, cheated, screwed, and bamboozled. OK, this actually isn't really news. People have been speculating on the honesty of the league (or the lack thereof) since before I was even born. I think it really started back when the New York Knicks magically got the first pick in the '85 Draft despite having the only third-worst record in the league. Wouldn't have been a big deal, except for the fact that everyone knows that New York is the most marketable city in the country, so wouldn't it naturally be more of a priority to better their franchise than Indiana's or Golden State's? They chose Patrick Ewing and he turned out to be a legend, so I guess that worked out for Stern and the NBA.

Now, I personally didn't think much of the "David Stern rigs games for ratings and pays the refs to cheat" speculation, but I think it really dawned on me clearly in the Western Conference Finals of the 2002 playoffs. For those of you who either don't watch sports or don't remember, let me recap exactly what happened. The Kings and the Lakers were playing each other for a bid to the NBA Finals and, essentially, an NBA Championship (this is after Jordan left and before the Pistons won a championship; the whole Eastern Conf. was terrible and whoever won the West was basically a week away from a championship parade). The Lakers had just come off winning the Championship in both 2000 and 2001 and were looking for a three-peat. The Kings used to be pathetic, turned into an elite team, and were 4 wins away from their first NBA Finals appearance since 1951. Typical David vs. Goliath story. I should also mention that the Lakers had Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant on their team, two of the most skilled and most marketable players in NBA history (this is before Kobe slept with that white girl). Anyway, on to the rigging. So the first 3 games played out fine, with the Kings leading 2 games to 1. Then in Game 4, a series of more than questionable calls made by the referees led to a 24-point comeback by the Lakers, who won the game on a 3-pointer at the buzzer (you think it's relevant to mention that the game was in L.A.?). After the Kings won Game 5 by one point, they led the series 3-2 with only one more win needed to get them to the Finals. You can guess what happened from here. Game 6 might have been the worse-called playoff basketball game that I've even seen in my life. Granted, I'm only 19, but I'm pretty sure Magic's Lakers and Russell's Celtics won because they were actually the better team. I'm pretty sure that wasn't the case here. Said Kings coach Rick Adelman after the game, "Our big guys get 20 fouls tonight and Shaq gets four? You tell me how the game went...It's just the way it is. Obviously, they got the game called the way they wanted to get it called." Couldn't have said it better, Rick. And God forbid I forget to mention that with 12 seconds left in the game, Kobe elbowed Kings' guard Mike Bibby in the face (causing him to bleed from the nose), yet somehow Kobe was fouled on the play. If it seems like that last sentence didn't make sense, that because it doesn't. The Lakers stole Game 6 due to obvious ignorance by the refs (did I mention that this game was in L.A., too?). In the deciding Game 7, the Kings choked and blew the game, awarding the Lakers with their 3rd straight NBA Championship (they swept the Nets easily).

Now, one might argue that the Kings blew Game 7 on their own, so maybe they weren't the better team. The point is, it never should have came to that. Besides, don't you think there's more money in having a championship team in L.A. than in Sacramento? It's all business and commercialism, really. And sadly, I don't think the players and coaches can do anything to avoid being cheated. Last week a coach complained about poor refereeing and got suspended for 2 games. And it's not like this is the first time a team has been screwed in the playoffs. In 2000, the Blazers somehow managed to blow a 13-point lead in the last 5 minutes of a Game 7 (against the Lakers again). And there isn't anyone who can tell me with a straight face that Jordan didn't push Bryon Russell when he hit that game-winning shot for the Bulls back in '98. And the Draft produces some questionable results every once in a while as well. Like in the 2003 Draft, you think it's purely coincidence that the first pick and evident signing of LeBron James was won by Cleveland, which just happens to be where LeBron is from?? Come on.

This tomfoolery has been going on for a while now, but it was recently brought back to my attention this past Thursday as I watched NBA on TNT's doubleheader. In the first game, the Spurs almost got jerked out of a win when they called traveling on Tim Duncan with 3 seconds left in a 2-point game (I'm pretty sure he never moved his feet...and I'm sure you can guess that the Spurs weren't home). Although they eventually won the game, the way the second game unfolded was deplorable. The Jazz were hosting the Lakers in Utah, and despite being down the whole game, the Jazz somehow managed a comeback in the 4th quarter. As they held on to a 2-point lead with 4 seconds remaining in the game, Kobe shot a jumper at the buzzer that bounced off the rim. After unsuccessfully trying to draw a foul, he glared at the ref, who then blew a real late whistle. Seriously, the look in Kobe's eyes said something along the lines of, "What the hell, man? I paid you before the game started for a reason." That referee should be kicked out of the league and never readmitted based solely on that game alone. It wasn't even close to being a good call. At all. Needless to say, Kobe made the free throws and the Lakers won in overtime.

Now, I realize that this post alone won't change anything in the NBA, unless Commissioner Stern and various NBA refs are avid readers to this site (hey, it's possible). But at least I made it public to those who do read this blog. So the next time you watch a team get swindled due to bad calls by the referees, know that I'm somewhere shaking my head, David Stern is somewhere smiling, and the NBA as a whole is rigged.

...Or maybe I just hate the Lakers.

The 80s Were Terrible: #10

2005-12-05T07:37:00.000-05:00

I shouldn't even have to bother writing this. The 80s being a travesty as a whole should be understood and universally accepted. Frankly, I hear way too much positivity about the 80s, and it makes me sick to my stomach. The decade was so terrible, that I will make a ten-part series on their assiness. Some will say that this is just an thinly veiled attempt to stretch content because I update the site so lacksadasically as it is... I will say shut up and enjoy.

The Tenth Worst Thing About the 80s: Fashion/Style

All you really need to do is watch the Thriller video and notice how ridiculous everyone looks. Yeah, I know he's Michael Jackson and he's "the shit" (or at least he was), but the guy is wearing a tiny red leather jacket/pant set full of zippers. Are you kidding me? People also need to realize tha a lot of the lame fashion that gets asociated with the 90s are actually 80s fashions sloppily conveyed to the public by the mainstream media. Remember, MTV (one of the few good things about the 80s, along with Eddie Murphy, Ferris Bueller and my birth) didn't get started until about halfway through, and didn't hit its stride until the Real World Revolution, so we were largely counting on old stuffy TV executives to spread pop culture. Of course they were about 2 years behind on everything. I refuse to accept fanny packs or acid-wash jeans as works of the 90s.

Oh, it goes on. Mullets, jheri curls, mohawks, this crap, all popularized in the 80s. Mullets alone should get this tagged as the worst decade ever. You ever see one of those 80s parties held? You notice how ridiculous everyone has to make themselves look to really acheive that "80s vibe"? Well there you friggin' go. Right now you could go hit Google image search and find pictures of Madonna wearing like 47 little bracelets on each arm; and being cool because of that. This is when L.A. Gear happened dammit!

You Killed My Childhood, I Kill Your Retirement

2005-12-03T06:49:00.000-05:00

I put up a brave front when asked about steroid use in professional sports, (note that I say PROFESSIONAL SPORTS; 80% of the NFL is on steroids, and Antoine Walker's head is just way too big*) usually going with the old "Oh, I knew it anyway" bit. The thing is... I didn't. I wanted to believe that I was maybe watching a renaissance in the game, following up a dreary 1980s (which sucked for so many reasons) with a new decade of home run records, Yankee championships, and... labor strikes? Scratch the last one.

When Mark McGwire cracked that 62nd home run, I was 12 years old and watching on TV from a hotel room in Virginia during a vacation; and it was great. Not just because Mark was giving me the chance to witness true baseball history, but also because Sammy Sosa was annoying as hell and was the main competitor for the record. As you must know, the facade has begun to crumble recently. The allegations and suspicions were out there, but then Jose Canseco blew the lid off the whole thing and started naming names. Mark McGwire, Pudge Rodriguez, Rafael Palmiero, etc. This was followed by the first season of steroid testing in Major League Baseball, which kicked off with no-names and a bunch of minor-leaguers getting fingered until the main course hit the table; Rafael Palmiero's head on a platter.

This was a man that had been classy enough to have been featured in Viagra commercials. This was the guy that was successful because of a sweet swing and guile, not one of those Popeye physiques. This was the guy that had waved his finger in the nation's face in a congressional hearing on steroid use in baseball shortly before the season began; making it crystal clear that he HAD NOT used steroids. Well, not only had Raffy used steroids, but he had used HORSE steroids. Screw you Raffy.

Mark Starr of Newsweek discusses the upcoming Hall of Fame elections, and gets into the fact that next year's ballot will be headlined by, amongst others, Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco. McGwire didn't exactly admit to steroid use, but I think I can gather some things from that joke of a performance he put on during the aforementioned congressional hearing. In case you weren't watching, McGwire broke down like a kiddy that got his bike jacked in the playground repeatedly as the congressmen peppered him with questions about his potential 'roiding. "Big Mac" can go take a long walk off a short pier... with a pulled grenade in his pocket. As for Jose, I would almost want him granted an induction just for making Palmiero look like a jackass. He has done more for baseball with his loudmouth and ghostwritten memoir than 99% of the guys in the game will ever be able to match.

I'm saying it, if you were caught 'roiding, or even strongly suspected of 'roiding, you need to be barred from the Hall (unless you're our hero Jose). Innocent until proven guilty, schminnocent(?) until guilty. This isn't a murder trial, this is a game that you have brought shame to. Palmiero, Bonds, McGwire, Sosa... you can all see your ways out.

As for Jim Rice getting into the Hall; let me put it this way. If he were a Yankee I'd be clamoring for it, but since he's a Red Sock (and a fairly large a-hole at that), I say he waits in line behind Donnie Baseball.

* - just kidding about 'Toine, don't sue me

Codes: Roommate Codes

2005-11-15T00:50:00.000-05:00

Seriously, Monticello is right. The current laziness that has overcome this blogsite has been largely atrocious. But, instead of taking the blame for that (because nothing is ever really ever my fault), I'd like to instead blame classes, homework, tests, the girlfriend, my boys, and parties for my lack of writing recently. I mean, I haven't written anything in 2 weeks. I'll try to do better. Well, since Monticello is rolling now with his consistent Filmless Reviews, I decided I needed something consistent as well. To be honest, over a month ago, I promised to write out the unwritten codes that people are supposed to abide by "in the next few weeks." That obviously didn't happen. I started with the friendship codes, which were well-received. Seeing as how I'm now in college and those of us who dorm have to learn how to live with others, I now continue with the roommate codes.

1. The Noise Code - This may be the first thing that comes to mind regarding roommates (or maybe it's not, I'm not really sure). But this code says that you should try to be considerate of the amount of noise you make, especially considering what it is your roommate is doing. For instance, if your roommate is studying, it's probably not a great idea to try out your new speakers with the latest 50 Cent CD (who I hate, by the way, so you probably shouldn't have his album, anyway). Or if your roommate is trying to sleep early because they have a test the following morning, that's probably not the best time to play Charades (not really sure why you would ever be playing Charades, but you get the point). Point being, try to keep your roommate in mind the next time you attempt a Lil' Jon impersonation.

2. The Company Code - Slightly related to The Noise Code (but not really), this one says that you should try to at least consider your roommate before you start inviting people over. Now, this is not to say that you shouldn't have people over that your roomie doesn't know. That's perfectly fine. But it might be a better idea to inform your roommate of people that will be in your room, especially if they will be spending the night/multiple nights there. After all, it's their room, too; I think they'd wanna know if someone will be living with them for an extended period of time, especially a stranger. This code also applies to company that isn't staying the night. For instance, if you were to throw a party in your room, you might wanna let your roommate know that people will be dancing on their desk and spilling drinks on their bed before it happens. Or if you have a girl coming over that you think you might be hooking up with, inform your roommate before they come over. I don't care if you have to leave a sock on the door, whatever it takes. I don't think your roommate wants to walk in on you (or at least I hope they don't; otherwise, you've got serious problems). On that note...

3. The Sex Code - Don't have sex with your roommate in the room. Just don't do it. It's not right. Some people think this is not a big deal. Trust me, it is. I don't care if you thought they were asleep. It's creepy. I really don't know why anyone would actually do this, but it happens more often than you would think. And unless you like performing in front of an audience (different strokes for different folks, no pun intended), it's probably not a great idea. And besides, what if they aren't asleep? Don't you think the thrusting and grunting might keep them awake? Or worse, what if they wake up and *gasp* start to watch?? Is this ever acceptable?? I'm gonna move on, this is starting to creep my out just writing about it...

4. The Sharing Code - Living in the same room, you will inevitably have to share certain things with your roommate. This code says that you should try to be considerate of your roommate when it comes to shared and personal belongings. First of all, with shared things, try not to hog. If you have a bathroom in your room, try not to spend 2.68 hours taking a shower. If your roommate wants to watch NBA on TNT, try not to hog the TV watching The O.C. (or better yet, don't watch The O.C. at all). In your fridge, try not to fill it up with all your leftover wings and cold pizza. As far as personal belongings go, try not to "borrow" stuff without permission. I'm pretty sure your roommate won't appreciate that, especially when you lose it. There are two things in particular that probably aren't wise to let your roommate share, by the way. That's money and alcohol. Money, chances are they'll never pay you back that 25 dollars. And as for alcohol...how often does liquor ever actually get reimbursed? Really, does it ever? Yeah, I didn't think so.

5. The Cleanliness Code - Since you and your roommate have to share things, the number one thing that you will need to share is (obviously) the room. Having said that, you might want to keep things a little clean, at least on their side of the room. I'm sure your roommate won't be ecstatic when they can't find the TV remote because your scattered articles of clothing are covering every tile of the floor. I'm also pretty sure they won't be smiling from ear to ear when your room wins the award for Building's Dirtiest Bathroom (especially if you never help clean it). The absolute worst is if you're dirty and sloppy with their stuff, which is basically the breaking of two codes. Terrible on both accounts. This is like having sex with your girlfriend on their bed. In this event, they probably have the right to assassinate you without penalty. In short, be considerate. Because no one likes a roommate who makes a lot of noise with a guest who's a stranger while having sex in their roommate's chair and doesn't clean up after themselves.

Pep Talk

2005-11-14T02:21:00.000-05:00

This place has gone unloved for far too long. We have both dropped the proverbial ball, and QUITE FRANKLY I'm not happy about it. Yeah, I know... we have school and all that garbage. You know what I say? MAN UP. What is more important... this site, or your future career? That's what I thought. Let me quote a great philosopher:

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

Two things.

1. I have always wanted to use that quoting stuff in a post, but never had a reason to. Well, BAM. It happened. Live it up.

2. That's from an Eminem song. See, I called him a "great philosopher". That's the joke. Frickin' funny, right? RIGHT? That's what I thought.

Back in my day we had to walk 10 miles through the snow in 110 degree weather to update our blogs. Now you snot-nosed kids have intraweb access in your damn room. No excuses, never surrender, push the envelope, feel the burn, taste the rainbow, etc. If you get thrown off the horse and shatter your tibia into 9 pieces, what do you do? WALK IT OFF. YEAH! YES! THIS IS IT! THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! Now. Right frickin' now. Listen up.

Filmless Reviews EVERY THURSDAY. No excuses. Sleepy? FILMLESS REVIEW. Midterm? FILMLESS REVIEW. Bird Flu? FILMLESS REVIEW. Alien invasion? FILMLESS REVIEW. If I fail to do this, you have permission to walk into my room and stab me in the gut. No questions asked. Oh, where do I live? Don't worry about it.

It's the least I can do. Quinn for Heisman, Hillary '08, Feliz Navidad, Boo-Yah.

Jarhead - Filmless Review

2005-11-05T17:17:00.000-05:00

And #10 at that...

In reality, having the 10th Filmless Review be a review of a film that I actually watched isn't particularly true to the concept of the feature... but I have decided not to care.

Jarhead is a film adaptation of former US Marine Anthony Swofford's 2003 novel Jarhead: A Marine's Chronicle of the Gulf War and Other Battles. It tells Swofford's story of being a 20 year old man thrust into the life of a Marine; from boot camp to the Gulf War. All you should need to know is that it was directed by the same guy that did American Beauty... but I will go on anyway.

Jake Gyllenhall, last seen luring an elderly man's daughter from her caretaking work in Proof, stars as Swofford. We are provided with a gritty look at the realities of his choice Swofford loses his girlfriend, his belief in the cause, and to some extent, his mind. One of the common complaints that I have in other reviews is that the story doesn't really go anywhere. This is true to an extent; the ending (The end of the war... duh) really has very little to do with the story being told throughout. This is an exploration of the characters and the toll that war takes on their psyches, not the events of the war themselves. At this point, I'm going to have to press the brakes on this review because it has gotten WAY too serious.

Today's tangential point that derails a review will be movie trailers. Along with that "nothing happens" complaint, I have also seen reviewers complaining about a lack of action in Jarhead. From a factual standpoint this is true; Jarhead has very little action... in fact, that is a point that is touched upon in the film itself (not going to ruin it... or maybe I did already). My question is this; how can you ever complain about a movie having "too little action"? Who decided that this was supposed to be an action movie at all? Oh... I know, the marketing team. The trailers of Jarhead definitely implied that there was some Rambo-lite stuff going down. Totally didn't happen. If marketing people weren't so stupid, Jarhead would be a bit higher than 56% on RottenTomatoes. Hey, what do I know? Maybe the false-marketing campaign pushed more tickets this week; I know I had a crappy seat because the theater I sat in was packed. Then again, I have reason to believe that those attendance numbers were inflated by the proximity to a college campus full of uber-liberals that salivate at the thought of the military being criticized*... so take that with a grain of salt. We'll see when the box-office charts come out in a couple of days. I suppose I should give some kind of assessment of the movie as a whole. I liked it a lot. Probably the best movie I've seen this year... unless I saw The Aviator in January and not December. Don't really remember.

* - Monticello is a registered Democrat

Post-Hurricane Recap

2005-10-31T16:20:00.000-05:00

Well, I made it out alive. In case you are unaware of what just took place, southern Florida just got hit with one of the most damaging hurricanes of the year. This hurricane Wilma was a little more serious than I expected it to be; I think I realized how serious the storm was when the lights suddenly turned off and I couldn't use anything electrical. So yeah, we didn't have any electricity on campus on Monday, which is really actually quite tame in comparison to the rest of the Miami-Dade county. Certain areas won't be getting any power back until Thanksgiving week (which is the last week of November, for all you geniuses). My girlfriend told me that when she went home (in Ft. Lauderdale) that there were power cords laid out in the middle of the streets. Pretty serious. On the brighter side, the effects of Wilma caused the school to cancel classes for all of last week.

So while the rest of the country was going to class and taking exams, I was drinking beers and playing Twister in my dorm room (oh, I'm serious). The inevitable hurricane party took place I think on Thursday, except this time we weren't on lockdown. See, the reason lockdown even came into effect was because some kid's overprotective parent complained that giving the students the freedom to leave the dorms was a safety hazard. Well, apparently some other kid's overprotective parent complained that keeping us trapped inside the dorms was a safety hazard. Either way, it made no real difference, because the powers that be put the whole county under an 8pm curfew. I guess they figured that since there were no lights anywhere, once the sun went down, mass mayhem would ensue and Miami would suddenly become New Orleans and people would be looting and another rapper would make inflammatory comments regarding the President's racial preference. So really, it was the same as being on lockdown, because we still couldn't go anywhere. A lot of students went home, but the true soldiers such as yours truly who stayed on campus created our own fun. OK, to be honest, the day that we had no electricity pretty much sucked. We had no internet, no lights, no music, and no hot food. Not really good times. But once the power came back, everyone would just find things to do, whether it be watching a movie drunk, playing a board game drunk, having a drunken dorm room party, or playing Twister drunk like we did. Oh yeah, I guess you coulda done that stuff sober as well.

In any event, considering that the hurricane is over and my week of no classes concluded yesterday, it's time to start focusing on more important things. No, not schoolwork; I'm talking about the NBA season, which starts tomorrow. I know I mentioned that we got our power back last week Tuesday, but we have yet to get our cable back yet. So basically, the closest I'm gonna get to seeing NBA action is the online game updates that always refresh at least 4 minutes too late. Hurray for me. In the meantime, I have two fantasy drafts to worry about. I'll give occasional updates regarding how I'm doing in each league (by the way, I plan on winning both; I'm a basketball guru). Happy hooping to all.

TheFacebook.com Sold Out

2005-10-28T14:33:00.000-04:00

Normally I avoid the term "sold-out", because I feel that it is overused. For example, many would say that Gwen Stefani sold out because she went from some California punk rocker guy's girlfriend in like 1991 to doing crap like "Hollaback Girl" and making duets with Eve. I would just say that she "broadened her horizons" and conveniently raked in lots of cash along the way. See, TheFacebook.com has gone above and beyond anything Stefani pulled off. I remember when I first registered and there were something like 15 schools on the entire service. Facebook was fresh (although not really) and kind of quaint. It had been established by some college students to help their campus' socially inept student body get to know each other. A real feel-good story for the whole family. Well, ever since that day I have seen nothing but deterioration.

1. Over-expansion: TheFacebook went from a Harvard thing, to an Ivy League thing, to an elite college thing, to a big-school thing, to a 4-year post-secondary education thing, to a "this institution can up your monthly hit numbers and bump ad revenue" thing. The addition of SouthNorthCentralEastern Polytechnic State A&M Community College was a bit much. It just ends up killing the magic.

2. Commercialization: Money makes the world go 'round. I even wrote a song saying something like that when I was in 4th grade (not that I can write music... it consisted of me humming a general tune and imagining some generic R&B floozy repeating one phrase repeatedly. Don't judge.) I understand that the creators of Facebook wanted to make some money off of the venture. Good for them. The thing is, I'm a little tired of getting group invites to things like the "Jimmy's Sports Bar Group" or the "Madden 2006 presented by EA Sports" group. Sell all of that ad space you want, but stop intruding into my "personal space". I have the same objection to this as I do with pop-up ads. You are free to make advertising visible and attempt to draw my attention to it... within reason. Getting friended by "Fox's New Sunday Lineup" is as far from within reason as it gets.

3. High Schools: This was the straw that broke the camel's back, and also what pushed me to eventually make this post. Yeah, I know this will push even MORE traffic to the site and thusly increase the amount that you can demand from advertisers; however there needs to be a line drawn somewhere. What separates Facebook from MySpace now? I remember bringing this up previously and being told that "Facebook is for college students and MySpace is for teenagers with low self-esteem and dirty old men". Well Facebook is clearly no longer college-exclusive, and some of these pictures that I see up just scream "daddy didn't pay enough attention". There really is no difference... besides those damn embedded videos that seem to have taken MySpace by storm... not that I use MySpace. They even recently added personal photo albums... because I need to be able to see 9 different pictures of you in a trucker hat with no shirt on. Just saying. I should also add that alumni and administrative staff at schools (all of whom may or may not be dirty old men) can easily get a Facebook account.

4. Schools from Mexico, the UK and Canada: 'Nuff said

I kid, I kid... I love Mexican food, Tony Blair is awesome, and Elisha Cuthbert is hot.

Another hurricane?? YES!

2005-10-23T19:00:00.000-04:00

Going to school in Miami introduces you to a lot of things. I've learned a lot of things since I've been here, and no, I'm not talking about in the classroom. I've learned about more important things, like proper pregaming etiquette, the difference between a "party" and a "dance party", and the fact that you can turn white girls on with romantic country music (I'm not joking). But besides all that, I think one of the more foreign things that I've learned since being here is protocol hurricane procedure. I think you all know how southern Florida seems to attract hurricanes like Massachusetts attracts gay couples. Knowing this, a lot of people I talk to from back home worry about me and constantly ask me if I'm alright and not about to die. (Sidebar: I live in NY, which really isn't susceptible to any natural disasters besides the occasional snowstorm.) And since were supposed to get hit pretty hard by a hurricane tomorrow afternoon by the name of Wilma (hence the picture), I figured this would be a good time to assure everyone outside of Florida that I'll be alright by telling you all what I plan on doing for the next couple of days.

I might as well start off by saying that despite it not even being November yet, this is already the third hurricane that's going to hit Florida (Katrina and Rita came first). Now whether or not actual damage is made on campus, we still get class off strictly for precautionary reasons. So while the rest of the country is worried about our health, we're down here celebrating that we don't have classes on Monday. To be honest, tomorrow will be like the 6th or 7th day we've had off for "hurricane days." Now, the only thing about this that sucks is that when the hurricane is supposed to hit, they put all the students in the dorms on "lockdown." Basically, if some stupid kid wants to run around outside and take pictures of the palm trees being uprooted, they have to sign a waiver to leave the building so their rich parents can't sue the school when the kid dies.

Now, considering that all dorming students can't leave the building, they try to organize things in the dorms that will keep the students occupied so we're not obligated to sit around and play boring games of Monopoly. The one thing that everyone pretty much expects is the inevitable hurricane party that they throw in the dorm lobby. Actually, what they do is clear out some of the adjoining classrooms (you know the rooms with the movable walls that you can push back?), set up some turntables, and throw a party for the students. These can actually be pretty fun, depending on how many people show up. There's even a junior who goes here who's a DJ, so he throws all the parties. This guy throws so many hurricane parties, I'm starting to think he doesn't even wait to get permission from the school anymore. I think he just hears there's a hurricane coming and sets up shop in the classrooms, put up his own flyers and all that. I haven't heard anything about a hurricane party yet, and I'm almost positive that there will be one tonight. Besides the hurricane parties that the school sets up, people even throw parties in their dorm rooms. Now, if you saw the size of our dorms, you'd probably think that it would be impossible to fit more than 6 people in here. But actually, I'm been to some dorm parties that fit as much as 17 people. Trust, you can really do anything when you mix music and alcohol.

Speaking of alcohol, that also plays a big part during hurricanes. Given the fact that we can't go anywhere and half of the students here are alcoholics, everyone stocks up on liquor before lockdown starts so that they have something to do when the storm hits. Hey, not everyone's the dancing type, so those who don't go to the classroom parties or the dorm parties have to do something to pass the time. Obviously, the school tries to convince you not to do anything illegal and to abide by the correct hurricane precautionary procedures (usually in the form of a floor meeting prior to the storm hitting). Of course it's against the school rules to drink, but unless you do something stupid like walk around the halls with a bottle of vodka or accidentally invite an RA to your room to drink, you'll get away with it. They care, but not that much. Now if you don't dance or drink, you're probably stuck with board games and group viewings of The Notebook.

To make a long story short, I love hurricanes. We get class off, we get parties thrown for us, and we get to drink of Sundays without worrying about Monday morning hangovers. Unless your room gets flooded or a branch goes through your window, you pretty much just sit back, wait for the storm to pass, and enjoy your day off. And everyone's stuck under the same roof, so it's pretty easy to get people together to do whatever stupid, illegal activity you want to. The best is when your professor pushes tests/projects back in anticipation of class getting cancelled. I had a test Thursday (that I was unprepared for) that got pushed a week back. My professor was so sure that we would have class cancelled, that he went ahead and just gave us the whole week off. Thanks a lot Wilma; you're a lifesaver.

Getting Stern

2005-10-20T23:30:00.000-04:00

So the NBA (commissioner David Stern) recently implemented a dress code for the its players. A lot of people are making a lot of noise about a lot of things, so let's look a little deeper into it AKA allow me to make random biased statements and hurl my opinion at my reading audience. (And yes, I used a terribly corny title.)

Now, I don't want to go out of my way babbling on and on about the stipulations of the dress code so here's the full statement released by the big guys in charge (commissioner David Stern) regarding what can and can't be worn. OK, so the first question is, why is he making a dress code? Well, I guess there's isn't one real reason as to why. But we can always speculate (besides, that's more fun). The first reason that everyone automatically assumes is that the NBA (commissioner David Stern) is trying to clean up the image of the league. Basically, trying to insure that players aren't sitting next to their teammates on the bench looking like they're about to rob the coach. You know Stern was never really happy about the "thug image" that has become synonymous with the NBA in years of late. And I'm sure he's been hearing grumblings from other authority figures (AKA other rich white guys) about players walking around looking like amateur rap artists (no offense, Ron Artest). To be honest, it all started back when Jordan started wearing baggy uniforms and everyone copied him. Unfortunately, now it's translated into players wearing earrings the size of nostrils and huge chains that hang down to their...well, you know how the song goes. It's also a financial decision as much as it is a personal disagreement. I mean, you have companies like Nike and Sprite that will change their advertising stance to agree with the hip-hop scene, but what about the companies that refuse to conform? Don't you think the league (commissioner David Stern) wants their support, as well? And also, how many other jobs implement a dress code, especially jobs in which you'll be appearing in TV? Why should the NBA be any different? Some might argue that you can't compare being a professional athlete to any other profession. And that's absolutely right. As a matter of fact, athletes are paid more attention to and reflect their company/organization more than other professions do. So really, that's further reason as to why they should look presentable.

The next question then becomes, is the dress code racist? Yes, it is. And no, it's not. In a way, it is racist, because it will undoubtedly affect the black players more than it will the white ones. And to be blunt, the black players' clothing preferences are probably the reason behind this whole dress code thing. I don't think Ryan Bowen or Mark Madsen is who the NBA (commissioner David Stern) had in mind when writing up the rules. However, you can't call it out and out racist, because the white and European players will have to adhere to the rules just as the black players will have to. If Stern were to say, "Black players have to dress in suits...everyone else, wear what the hell you want," then it'd be racist. As Max Kellerman said today in an interview on MSNBC (yes, I was watching a news channel), "The dress code is more racial than it is racist." Meaning: it will have a bigger impact on the black players and they may have even been the direct target, but they won't be the only ones impacted, so it's not like the Jim Crow laws or anything.

Many players have already complained about the dress code, and some were complaining before the specifics of the rule were even released. Among them were the obvious (Allen Iverson, Mavs owner Mark Cuban) and the less expected (Tim Duncan), but a lot of the people who will be affected seem to think that a dress code is ridiculous. Marcus Camby even went so far as to say that if the NBA (commissioner David Stern) wants them to dress up in suits so often, a stipend should be added onto players' contracts so they can afford to buy the required suits. Because apparently $7 million a year isn't enough money to buy a few neckties. Having said all this, and considering that Stern hasn't stated the exact consequences of any violations, the next question is, will the NBA's players cooperate to the dress code? In my humble opinion, I think some players will defiantly disobey the dress code at the beginning of the season. As the season goes on, and the penalties become progressively worse (more money fined, more games suspended), people will realize that their "expressing their individuality" isn't worth losing money for no reason. Unless, of course, they're buying $2,000 du-rags.

If you haven't realized yet, I agree with the dress code. Granted, I dress the same way as a lot of these ball players do, but I wouldn't wear baggy jeans and a fitted cap to work. I think a lot of these players lose sight of the fact that they are ridiculously fortunate to be in the position that they are in. To bitch and moan about the fact that they can't wear sunglasses indoors or wear work boots is really just asinine. Besides, Stern is really just trying to appeal to a bigger audience. You gotta consider the fact that the "inner city/urban/hip-hop" demographic probably isn't going anywhere anyway, so why not try to expand the horizons? People might be offended by a league full of people who are on TV looking like 50 Cent, but who's gonna be offended by players looking like Colin Powell? (OK, bad example.) I guess the only real question left is, how long will this dress code be in affect? Honestly, I have no idea what the answer to this one is. I guess the best answer I could give is that it'll probably be intact until either A. The NBA's overall image is cleaned up to the point that people don't think everyone in the league is a thug or B. the players actually warm up to it enough that they start dressing nice on their own without their arms being twisted. And I wouldn't count on choice B.

This might be selfish, but I really just wanna see some of the players in suits. Like, for instance, can you picture Allen Iverson in a 3-piece suit? Or can you see Ron Artest not looking like he just walked out of the insane asylum? Wait, him wearing a suit isn't going to change that. And no, I don't think Rasheed Wallace will look any less like a hobo, either.

A Picture Saves A Thousand Birds

2005-10-19T08:20:00.000-04:00

That is a TERRIBLE pun.

Did you guys see game 5 of the NLCS? Here's the setup: it's the top of the ninth, and the Houston Astros are up 4-2 on the St. Louis Cardinals and sitting three outs away from a 4-1 series victory and the first World Series appearance in the history of the franchise. Their all-star closer Brad Lidge comes in and mows down the first two batters. He gets 2 strikes on David Eckstein, and he dinks a single into left field. No biggie. Next up is Jim Edmonds, who works a walk. This is where the collars get tight.

Albert Pujols comes to bat as the go-ahead run. Lidge gets 2 strikes on "Phat Albert" and the crowd is going NUTS. These people are excited, the Astros are practically running out of the dugout already, the plastic is up in the locker room and the bottles of champaign are ready to be wasted. Then it happens... Pujols absolutely DESTROYS a ball to deep left field, and the Redbirds take the lead. The crowd shifts from party time to dead silence in an instant.

Later, Fox would run through endless replays of reactions around the park and we would see the disbelief on Lidge's face in full closeup, Andy Pettitte in the dugout mouthing "Oh... My... God...", and Pujols making the most defiant walk out of the batters box that I have ever seen. Not "pimping" as the increasingly unsportsmanlike trots down the first-base line have come to be known in some circles, but just focused and proud and excited and composed and ready to get back to St. Louis and finish business all at once. It was one of the greatest sporting moments that I have ever seen. I was speechless.

Now if only Alex Rodriguez could have done that...

Let's Play Lingo!

2005-10-17T21:00:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry. Really, I am. I haven't posted in a whole 2 weeks. As for why, I guess it's been a mixture of laziness, schoolwork, maintaining a girlfriend, and going out (after all, I do still live in Miami). Thankfully, Monticello has been holding down the fort, so it still looks like the blog is actually intact. And yes, contrary to popular belief, this blogsite is actually being run by 2 different writers. Revolutionary, isn't it? Anyway, as a part of my laziness that I previously mentioned, I have been watching a lot of TV. Unlike Monticello, who doesn't get cable at his school, University of Miami actually has more than 10 channels. Besides from the usual and expected (i.e. ESPN, Nick at Nite, etc.), I've actually been watching a lot of GSN, or the Game Show Network.

Not everyone knows this, and perhaps it's a guilty pleasure of mine, but I love game shows. Considering my passion for game shows and the fact that I don't have the channel back at home, you can imagine how much I end up watching it. They really play every show on this channel, everything from Family Feud (a personal favorite) to old episodes of Love Connection to Weakest Link. But I have to admit that one of my favorite shows to watch is Lingo.

Now, before I actually talk about this show, I have to discuss the host, Chuck Woolery. Now, you may not realize the name, but since I'm almost positive that you know his face, here's a picture of him. Honestly, like half of the shows on GSN are hosted by this guy. He's been the host for Wheel of Fortune, Love Connection, Scrabble (I didn't even know this was a show), The Home and Family Show (don't ask), Greed, and the Dating Show. And I had no clue about this, but apparently he used to have a band called Avant-Garde. Wow. What doesn't this guy do? Sounds like a role model to me.

Anyway, back to the show. So how this show works is that there are two teams going head-to-head with two people on each team. Then they give one team the first letter of a 5-letter word. They then have 5 tries to guess what the word is. If they screw up, it goes to the other team. There are also a lot of other rules, but I don't feel like explaining all of it. Oh yeah, and there's also the token blonde host who doesn't really do anything besides smile for the camera. This one's name is Shandi, so I guess she's kinda cool. She was also like Miss America 2004, so I guess that's why she actually has a job. This show is pretty funny, but then again I laugh at just about every game show. The humor comes in the form of stupid contestants. It's the same as that one dumb uncle on every episode of Family Feud who no one wants to say "good answer" for. There's always someone who can't figure out what the word is even though they have the letters "L-_-N-G-O". Then you get the people who guess 6-letter words or the ones who repeat words as if they don't show the past guesses on the screen that they're staring at. It's all very entertaining. But then, after all, isn't that what American television is all about? Laughing at other people who are worse off/more stupid than we are? Isn't that really the definition if entertainment? I mean, that's what they gave us reality television for. The best is when they lose for not figuring out the word, and Woolery throws some salt on the wound with a little comment like, "I figured that's what it was" or "Yeah, I pretty much knew that one the whole time." Does it get any worse than being criticized on national television by a guy who's made a living by hosting game shows for the past 25 years after having a Top 40 hit in 1968? Gotta love good ol' Chuck.

Housekeeping

2005-10-16T01:34:00.000-04:00

We have some issues to address:

1. The BIGBIGBIG 10th Filmless Review will be up next week, and to further complicate matters, I must decide between some fairly large releases. Will it be North Country with Charlize Theron or Doom starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson? While Doom would make writing a humorous post easier... I mean, so much about this film is utterly ridiculous... a review of North Country would call for a picture of Charlize Theron (she's a handsome woman). Feel free to comment on the matter.

2. Speaking of which, I got fed up with the spammers and enabled the verification phrase thing on comments. We ask that our core of 10 readers not be turned off by this development.

3. I was recently railroaded into attending a figure skating exhibition, and would post about it if it weren't so embarrassing. Having that kind of information in the public domain would just be ruinous. Whoops.

4. David the Gnome is the shiznit. The site is pretty cool too.

Elizabethtown - Filmless Review

2005-10-14T07:48:00.000-04:00

So, we almost had a second consecutive filmless review where I actually saw the movie beforehand. There was a free screening of Domino at the local theater but sadly, it conflicted with a class that I could not bear to skip out on. John Locke is just too important to me. Instead, I'm going to start by talking about Elizabethtown for a little bit and then veer wildly off topic.

Elizabethtown is about a depressed business guy with an incredulously important job for his age (Orlando Bloom) that travels back to his small Kentucky hometown to attend a parent's funeral and finds a kooky girl (Kirsten Dunst) along the way. This reeks of Garden State, with the differences being that business provides far less comedy ammo than a D-level acting career, and that I hate Orlando Bloom waaaaaaaaay more than I hate Zack Braff. This movie is headed by Cameron Crowe, who can usually be counted on to provide something mildly intriguing; but if Rotten Tomatoes is any indicator, he dropped the ball here.

Now that the review part is done with, I can get to the real topic this week: People Hating Kirsten Dunst. Every time I bring up something that Kirsten Dunst was even tangentially involved in, I can be sure that a rant on her uselessness is on the way. "She can't act", "She looks like a troll", "She has a funny name", "She looks like a bitch"... generally things of that nature. I must admit that I am completely incapable of being impartial, as her portrayals of Mary Jane Watson in the Spiderman films have earned her a lifetime pass from me; but to be honest, I think Kirsten Dunst is just super. She doesn't drop Albas on her roles, she's attractive in a "hey, that's actually a human being" way, and her MTV Punk'd segment seemed to indicate that she has retained a very un-Hollywood sense of humanity. I really don't see the issue; but like I said, many people despise her for some reason. This is a phenomena that afflicts several prominent actresses; Nicole Kidman and Jodie Foster come to mind (two other people that I have absolutely no problem with). Do people just hate blondes? I realize that Jodie Foster isn't really blonde, but I wanted to put that out there anyway.

What did we learn this week?

1. Elizabethtown sucks... but not because of Kirsten Dunst.

2. Kirsten Dunst was in Jumanji, Spiderman and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. EVERYONE loves these movies... so how can you hate her?

3. Blondes = A-OK

I Want to be on Jeopardy!

2005-10-11T01:19:00.000-04:00

I only used that exclamation point because the show is technically named "Jeopardy!", not because I'm SOOOOOO excited about this... although I am. Yeah.

In my years I have picked up a ludicrous amount of trivial knowledge. This is useful in some ways, but generally I'm holding back information from others because my pool of useless knowledge extends far beyond the point of being "cool". It's edging towards that "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" threshold. Seeing as this is both my gift and my curse, I think that at the very least I should use it to make some cash. Jeopardy! anyone?

Now, I'm not going to go nuts here and claim that I could win a standard game of Jeopardy!. There are days here and there where I could stay in the running, but not usually. However, I could definitely take some games during college week. I went so far as to sign up for the Jeopardy! College Week mailing list, but of course I haven't gotten a damn thing back; and it's been at least a year by now. How can I reach my dreams if Alex Trebek himself (oh, he definitely operates their e-mail services...) doesn't cooperate? HUH? I just want to get on Jeopardy, represent my school, and pocket some dough along the way. Is that so wrong? If I can't make a fool of myself on television, what is the point of knowing that Mayim Bialik was the actress that portrayed the lead character on "Blossom"? What other purpose could there possibly be for my knowing that Alexander Hamilton was born in Nevis? And more importantly, why the hell do I have to answer in the form of a question? And why was that a question? And this one too?

|t|r|i|v|i|a| is my anti-drug...

Serenity - Filmless Review

2005-10-09T09:07:00.000-04:00

A VERY SPECIAL Filmless Review

Why is this a very special Filmless Review? Because I actually saw this movie. Oh joy! Serenity is the story of a rag-tag band of space mercenaries... but nice space mercenaries. The entire plot is veeeery complicated, and I have no intention of going through the whole thing, so you're getting a highly condensed version that may or may not make sense in the end. So... it's the 26th Century, and this band of nice space mercenaries (well, that's giving a bad implication; they commit small crimes and conduct transport for payment... they're not soldiers-for-hire) is doing the usual, when a member of the crew decides to save his psychic super-hero rebel sister from Alliance custody. This Alliance isn't necessarily evil, so don't imply that this is ripping off Star Wars... borrowing heavily is the proper term. Anyway, the guy saves his sister, brings her on board, and all kinds of crazy crap ensues because she is in possession of some damaging information.

So how is this VERY SPECIAL Filmless Review any different from your run-of-the-mill Filmless Review? Well, that plot outline was slightly more in-depth than it usually is. As usual, I will now veer wildly off-topic and end up finding some reason to call this movie a piece of crap. Shall we?

You may not be aware of this, but Serenity is actually a continuation of a television series on Fox that was cancelled 11 episodes into its existence. If you go buy the Firefly DVD set (the ship they ride is called Serenity, the show was called Firefly) you will actually get to see 14 episodes, but I guess the ratings were so poor that Fox had to pull the plug ASAP. Word on the street is that DVD sales have been very strong, and as a result some movie exec decided that it would be worthwhile to fund Serenity from an economic standpoint. I mean, it didn't completely bomb in its opening week ($10.1mil), but I'm sure that it will end up having lost money when all is said and done. All four of you that regularly watched Firefly will be rewarded when you go to see Serenity.

You know what? Since I went to go see this one, I can give a legitimate verdict on the film's quality. I'll give it a 7/10. Nice sci-fi action flick, with some suspense, some laughs, and some stuff you'll enjoy a lot more if you study up before hand.

P.S. - This was also very special because I wrote about a movie that came out over a week ago. This is almost as good as when I wrote about "Proof" like 3 weeks before it went national.

The Codes: Friendship Codes

2005-10-03T22:05:00.000-04:00

Everyone knows that there are certain unsaid rules that are pretty much supposed to be abided by in order to make people's lives run smoothly. Apparently, some people are seemingly unaware of these rules. So, in the next few weeks, I plan to write out these codes for the millions of readers who are loyal fans of this blog. I've decided to start with the friendship codes.

1. The Confrontation Code - This code says that whenever one of your close friends gets into a confrontation, it is your job as a friend to stick up for them. It also means that if he doesn't like someone, you don't like them either. This may come off as shallow, maybe even ridiculous, but that's just the way it works. This is why you're considered "a bad friend" if you don't defend your friend in a fight. Unless, of course, they started it all for a stupid reason. Then, he has to defend himself for being a dumbass.

2. The Ex-Boyfriend Code - This code applies more to female friends than it does men, because we don't tend to care as much about this. But this code says that if a girl dated a guy, her friends can never talk to/date/hook up with him. Not really sure why this is (because, after all, I'm not a girl), but apparently this follows the assumption that even after girls end a relationship, they still have feelings for their ex, even if it's only a small part of them. So if a girl were to start dealing with a guy that one of her friends used to date (even if it was years ago), she's automatically wrong. Don't question it; that's just the way it is. Of course, this also implies that you shouldn't try to mess with one of your friends' girl/man while they're still together. That's just dirty.

3. The Family Code - Now, just as The Ex-Boyfriend Code applies more to girls, I've found that this code is more of a big deal to guys. This one says that under no circumstance is it ever OK for one of my friends to talk to/date/hook up with my sister/cousin/niece. Under any circumstance. Ever. It's just not cool. Don't believe me? Go up to one of your friends and tell him his sister's hot or you'd like to get with his female cousin. Then watch him flip out. There is really nothing more disturbing than the thought of one of your family members with your friend. I think it's because we know our friends well enough to know how they think and how bad they actually are. No good brother/cousin/uncle would allow for this to happen.

4. The Secret Code - This code says that if your friend tells you something trusting you not to tell anyone about it, you must never repeat it. Even if someone else finds out about it, you must lie to cover it up. This one goes a bit further than simply protecting your friends' name. This has to do with trust. If you open your mouth about something that was supposed to remain on the down low, it will inevitably come back around to your friend, and they will know who spread the news. Then, they'll never trust you again with anything. And worse, if they decide to fight you, code #1 will have all your old friends beating you up, as well. Besides, no one really wants to be known as a rat.

5. The Honesty Code - This code says that as a true friend, you shouldn't hold anything back from your friend. For instance, if they are wearing a terrible outfit, tell them to change before they get a chance to walk out the door. Or if they get the number of a gross-looking chick, convince them to never call her. Really, if they ask your opinion or advice on anything, tell them what you think instead of what you think they want to hear. It's just the right thing to do. Furthermore, if someone starts talking reckless about your friend, don't stand there and cosign. If it's your friend, not only would you defend them, you would tell your friend what was said and who said it. If you were to let people talk about your friend without having any repercussions, that basically the same as you talking about them behind their back. And in case you were wondering, yes, that is a terrible thing to do as well.

Into the Blue - Filmless Review

2005-09-29T23:41:00.000-04:00

My feelings on Jessica Alba's acting chops should be pretty clear to those of you who follow this site (a-ha!). To make a not that long story short, she is a horrible actress that gets by on being hot. Now I want you to take a moment out, and try to imagine being Jessica Alba:

You know that you can't act or sing, and dance at a level that could maybe get you on Usher's tour bus as a groupie or something. You are also still extremely depressed about your years-ago breakup with Derek Jeter, just because he is so awesome. So the question now is: "How will I move forward in my career?". If you guessed "Be half-naked for 45 minutes in a movie that is vaguely about sharks or something", you are correct! "Into the Blue" is about divers finding buried treasure or some crap like that. I would go into more detail about the plot, if not for the epic effort by whatever butcher shop of a movie studio is underwriting this thing. There's a concerted effort to just push Alba in a swimsuit and keep details of the "storyline" as buried as possible. I pretty much exhausted my Alba-bashing in a previous post, so I'll talk about this Paul Walker guy a little (the one that isn't in a bikini... yeah, he's there. Just try to concentrate.)

Paul Walker's claims to fame are those Fast and the Furious movies that I will soon be identifying as the worst pieces of pop culture produced in the past 15-20 years in a future post. Of course, anytime I claim that a topic will be explored in a future post I'm essentially guaranteeing that you will never hear of it again from me... but I'll try really hard this time. Anyway, you know that any man with that kind of theatrical resume is going places. Ideally to a rehab center or purgatory, but "places" nonetheless.

In a way, Paul Walker is the male equivalent to Alba. He has no discernible talent outside of looking like an Abercrombie and Fitch model, yet he keeps getting work. The thing is that I know there is some level of idolization that goes on out there where teenage girls might flock to an Alba/Duff/Lohan flick just because they wish to support the actress. This doesn't happen with guys though. There will be no males running the cinemas tomorrow in order to catch a glimpse of Paul Walker in action because he's so "empowered" or whatever. This leaves me with no choice but to ONCE AGAIN indict the entertainment industry as a whole for allowing teenage girls to run the show. Paul Walker has no business being an actor. Not only that, but from what I've gleamed in interviews and such, he probably has no business with anything more than working retail at The Gap or being one of those creepy clothes models on QVC. I would make a plea to all of the 13-20 year old females out there to boycott this film and start up change in our media, but I don't think we're working that demo very well.

Prison: It's a Good Thing

2005-09-26T23:54:00.000-04:00

For all these years I've been in the "avoid prison" camp. It's not particularly hard to stay on the path of lawfulness, so there's no need for applause (although I will accept if you insist). This way of life has served me fairly well, but recent events have shaken things up.

About a year and a half ago, Martha Stewart was found guilty on some (bogus) charges in relation to some shady business dealings. The "shady business dealings" that this investigation sprung from happen all the time without further incident, but the feds found the idea of tarnishing the image of Ms. Stewart too exciting to pass up. I personally thought the whole situation was a joke, but I also lack the intense hatred of Martha Stewart that so many people seem to share. That said, the idea of her in prison, country-club prison or not, was hilarious. It got even better when stories like "Stewart's prison nickname is M. Diddy" and a Christmas decorating contest defeat to a fellow inmate leaked into the press. To make a long story short (even though I never attempted to tell this story at any point in the post), this combination of a forced media hiatus and transformation into even more of a punchline had presumably derailed the M Train. Think again.

See, I overestimated the life-ending powers of prison. Normally a stay in a facility of that nature would follow you around for the rest of you life, crushing any chances of resuming a regular life. Normally you aren't Martha Stewart either. Not only did she get another crack at a daytime home improvement/decorating/cooking/crafts/whateverthehellshedoes show, but she ALSO broke into prime time, an arena that she could't get into for anything more than the occasional throwaway special in her pre-prison days. I was going to watch The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, but then I forgot and ended up watching this movie (it's decidedly ok).

I think we have all learned a lesson here. If you want to really go places in life, commit some kind of non-violent felony so that you too can go to country-club prison and then be released as a bigger star than ever. Or don't.

Random thoughts of 9/23

2005-09-23T16:35:00.000-04:00

Couldn't really think of anything solid to write about or anything that was particularly standing out in my mind, so I decided to just post random thoughts that were circulating around my head at the moment. I might do this more often depending on how it works out...

- So since the Yankees took the lead of the AL East and bumped the Red Sox into wild card contention, the only thing that I've been wondering is, what if Boston doesn't make the playoffs? I mean, think about it...they won the World Series a year ago. When's the last time a team won it all and failed to make the playoffs the next year? This would be heaven to watch for me, especially since I'm a Yankees fan and considering the fact that they were the ones that knocked us out of the playoffs last year.

- This may come off as insincere, but what if Hurricane Rita were to blow over New Orleans? Would it even be fair to say that the hurricane "ruined" the city? I mean, the city is basically nonexistent as of right now. The legend of New Orleans and Bourbon Street are pretty much a memory right now. All we've got left now is Las Vegas. And am I the only one that thinks that all these hurricanes are a sign that the world is coming to an end?

- So we all know Rafael Palmeiro is an avid Viagra user, steroid user, and pathological liar, but I can't believe he went so far as to blame his teammate, Miguel Tejada, for giving him a vitamin that he says may have been the source of his testing positive for steroids. Seriously, Raffy? Just give it up. The worst part about all of this is that they tested Tejada for drugs, found the vitamins in his system, and found no trace of steroid use anywhere. So his story basically makes no sense. If I were him, I woulda just said someone slipped them into my Viagra bottle...

- The new iPod nano is supposed to be like the new cool computer technology gadget thing, but I think it's pretty stupid. I mean, why is it cool to have a music player that's basically smaller than my finger? With something that small, how many times do you think you'll accidentally press the wrong button? And furthermore, since when is being extremely small a good thing? I think it's amazing how Americans will buy things just because they're new, not necessarily because we like them. It's like how black people go out of their way to buy new Jordans even when they're ugly. And by the way, I'm black, so it's OK for me to say that.

- Everyone's favorite model for everything trashy in hip-hop AKA Lil' Kim has a new video out for "Lighters Up" (which I have to admit, is a pretty hot song). My question is, wasn't she supposed to be in jail for lying to a Grand Jury? Why is it that famous people can just go to jail when they feel like it? The double standards made for celebrities in this country are appalling, to say the least. I think she made some deal with the authorities where she gets to publiciize for her album and then she goes to jail after the album comes out. How does this make sense? At all? Actually, I think the real question here is, why does Kim look different every time we see her? It's like there's a different person on the cover of every album. What if she ends up like Michael Jackson? Next thing we know, she'll be a white man. Let's move on...

- Since that whore Katrina ruined part of our country, gas prices have been increased to like $15 an ounce. (Obvious exaggeration...but it is damn near 3 dollars a gallon.) Makes me think, what would be the price that would make people just give up on driving? Maybe if it reached $5? Or $6?? I mean, it really doesn't affect me, because I don't have a car here at school, but I think if I did, I probably wouldn't be driving it. Yes, I am that stingy. And I figure, if it's gonna cost me more to get somewhere than it's gonna be worth for me to be there, I might as well not go. For instance, if I was spending 8 dollars worth of gas just to go to the mall, I wouldn't be going. A trip to the mall should never be worth 8 bucks. Even worse would be if I had to drive somewhere where there's an admission fee. You might as well just call a cab at that point.

Tim Burton's Corpse Bride - Filmless Review

2005-09-21T16:12:00.000-04:00

As I spoke of previously, we definitely need more dancing zombie women in the media. I cannot be SURE that the zombie woman/women in this film dance, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that it happens at some point. Credit for that.

This movie is about a man in 19th Century Europe that gets sent to the underworld and married to a... buckle your seat belts for this one... CORPSE BRIDE. It turns out that his non-zombie fiance is none too pleased. Hilarity, drama and assorted other things ensue.

This seems to a solid picture, but I have some qualms. Let's begin:

1. Didn't Tim Burton put out Willy Wonka like 5 minutes ago? This guy is notorious for vanishing from the Hollywood scene for years at a time. I'm aware that work on this movie probably started years ago; but so what? I can complain about ANYTHING*. Either way, we can't have Mr. Burton over-extending himself. Things like this result. Don't try to tell me that movie didn't suck.

2. It looks a tad too similar to The Nightmare Before Christmas, which is one of the key films of my childhood. I suppose I could go into detail about that in the future, but I'm not very good with keeping plans on here. If this movie were to somehow tarnish the greatness that is Jack Skellington and his travails, I would never forgive Burton... even though he made that movie too, which makes my vow kind of unreasonable. Refer back to the *.

3. He's dating the person that voices the co-lead of the film (Helena Bonham Carter). As a man of such moral fiber, I find this kind of nepotism abhorrent. At least when it doesn't benefit me.

Don't Cut the Cord

2005-09-19T16:20:00.000-04:00

I bet from time to time you sit there in front of the latest Real World episode, political pundit verbal masturbation session or George Foreman Grill infomercial and think "Hey, why the hell am I paying for this crap? All I watch is The OC and Desperate Housewives anyway."

Well for one thing, nobody watches Desperate Housewives. I know it gets huge ratings and media attention, but nobody watches it. Seriously. If you think you watched it you are mistaken. You were trying to watch Family Guy and hit the wrong button... things happen. Secondly, you're really wrong. Yeah, most of cable TV is absolute garbage. Even the "good channels" have gone to crap lately. TLC? Home design 24/7. When I was younger I used to dream of being a doctor as I watched people get knee replacements on The Learning Channel... if I were growing up now I would strive to be an interior decorator or something. Maybe not. The same thing goes for The History Channel. There was a time when that station was actually informative. Now they show "Secret UFO Files" every night. Bad times.

So really, to this point I have presented nothing positive about cable TV... but I will. A little over a week ago I left home to return to college. College without cable TV (don't ask). Not only can I no longer follow perhaps the greatest Real World cast members of the PTE (Post-Teck Era), but I can't get my 20 minutes of Red Sox/Yankees coverage on Sportscenter every night. Do you realize how terrible this is??!?! I have to follow the pinstripes through the Sportsline.com gamewatch thing. It sucks!

To top this all off, I can't get UPN here through the antenna we have hooked up to the TV in my room. UPN man! I am missing out on so much mediocre urban comedy. I also can't watch "Everybody Hates Chris", which actually is upsetting.

Mean Girls

2005-09-18T16:25:00.000-04:00

OK, so we all know that girls don't like each other. We also know that girls make for bad friends. I think what needs to be explored is why. Now, although I'm pretty sure I don't have all the answers, let me at least try to explain it.

First of all, let me rephrase what I just said. Girls aren't really bad friends. They're just bad friends to each other. The way I see it, guys fight then become friends, whereas girls become friends then fight. Honestly speaking, I have seen plenty of situations where two guys will straight up spazz on each other, have an all-out fist fight, and the next day when they see each other, they say "what up" and give each other a pound. Why, you might ask? It's because after guys fight, it's over. Besides extreme situations (i.e. one sleeps with another's sister, one steals another's iPod, one steps on another's white Air Forces), there usually isn't any hostility held after a melee. After we fight, the tension has been released, we can move on. With girls, it doesn't work that way. Girls will hold grudges for years. I have heard girls say, "I can't stand that bitch" because of something that happened in like 1997. And God forbid you ever try to tell them that that was too long ago for them to still be upset. "Nah, you don't understand, that ho is trifling." And the truly ironic part about all of this is that most of the times when a girl fights with another or says that they "can't stand that bitch", those two girls used to be friends at once point. It really is amazing. I can think of very few situations where two girls fought who were never friends.

And this brings me back to the point that girls are bad friends. It is no coincidence that most girl fights are between ex-friends. Normally, one of them does something terrible to the other (i.e. spreads her personal business in the streets, sleeps with her boyfriend, wears the same dress to prom) with complete disregard to the fact that friendship is supposed to involve a certain level of trust. Why, you might ask again? I'm not sure, but I think it's because at the end of the day, girls are really just selfish people. (Now, I know in the context of a relationship, it's usually guys that are the selfish ones, but that topic is for another day.) Girls can't stand it when another girl outdoes her at anything. If a girl has a cuter boyfriend than another girl, she hates her. If she drives a better car, she hates her. If she gets the new (insert feminine possession) before her, she hates her. Girls always wanna be on top, and that's why they can't be trusted in the context of a friendship. And that's also why they hate each other.

Now, this might be a little unrelated, but since we're talking about girls who fight each other, I might as well go ahead and say that I absolutely love girl fights. Like, there's nothing better than watching two females just beat the crap out of each other. I mean, it really isn't sexy watching female boxing (especially since half of them look like men), but watching a "cat fight" is the ultimate level of entertainment. And if you get real lucky, one of them might even rip the clothes off the other. Ahh, I miss high school.

Anyway, back to the point. Since girls don't like each other and girls are terrible friends to each other, the only choice they have to avoid all of this is to just hang out with guys. The smart girls notice this, and they have predominantly male friends. The problem here is that when you hang out with a bunch of guys, it's only a matter of time before they start hitting on you (because for some reason, when you hang out with a guy, it somehow means that you wanna sleep with him). Not to mention that all the girls will call you a slut because you hang out with boys, especially since they all hate you anyway. But hey, you can't win 'em all.

Proof - Filmless Review

2005-09-14T00:43:00.000-04:00

Proof stars Gwyneth Paltrow, Jake Gyllenhall and (Sir) Anthony Hopkins. It is the story of a daughter (Gwynnie) and her mathematical genius father (Sir) who is becoming increasingly less predictable with age. One of the genius guy's former students (Bubble Boy) comes around and wants to see stored notebooks of work by his teacher, and along the way tries to boogie-down with his caretaker/offspring... CLASSY.

You know what else is classy? Coldplay. Why are they classy? Because they're British; but also because they make classy music. Classy music like "Yellow" (Walking on a beach in the rain professing your love for someone? CLASSY!), "Clocks" (Piano solo intro? CLASSY!), "The Scientist" (Regret over a ruined relationship? CLASSY!), "Fix You" (Organs or whatever that crap is in the opening? CLASSY!) and "Speed of Sound" (Almost identical to the classy "Clocks"? CLASSY!). Coincidentally, the classy lead singer of that classy ensemble is married the star of this very film. I mean, being married to Gwyneth Paltrow is undeniably classy; even if she did do that movie where she wore a fatsuit and dated Jack Black. She won an Oscar for a movie about William Shakespeare for crying out loud! How classy does it get? Well, this guy... but still.

And to top all of this classiness off; these two had a kid a while back and named it Apple. In truth, this is not very classy at all. I mean, there is nothing redeeming about giving your kids silly names. I can understand if you're doing the Jr/II/III/etc. thing or if you are of an ancestry that you wish to convey (not that I would care to do that, but keep on keeping on) but none of this applies to "Apple". That's just putting your kid through unneeded hardship. It's tough enough to have absurdly famous parents and financial security from birth, but...

Wait a minute.

And finally... classy, classy, classy, classy. That makes it twenty.

Oh, this movie isn't that good. Seems kind of like it tries too hard to be classy. 21!

Biggest sports rivalries

2005-09-12T18:00:00.000-04:00

As promised, here's the post discussing the biggest rivalries in sports. So I was a little undecided on whether I was gonna write a post about the biggest sports rivalries of all time, or just about the biggest ones of today. Well, I figured that writing about the biggest rivalries of all time would really just be a disaster waiting to happen, since I would probably either forget a huge one or put them in a ridiculously terrible order. So to save myself the embarrassment (and to avoid the inevitable criticism I would receive for messing up the list), I've decided to just write about the rivalries that are in effect today. Now, on with the list...

8. Pacers vs. Pistons - Granted, the media and the NBA's fans have probably made this more of a rivalry than it actually is to the players involved, but I think it still counts as one. I mean, something has to be said about two teams that attack each other's fans. When something as monumental and legendary as their fight happens, you kinda have to include the two teams on any list of rivalries, even if they are a measly #8. Oh yeah, and I enjoyed having a full NBA season without Ron Artest. But I'm sure he'll do something during this season that will prompt me to write a post about him, so let's move on.

7. Colts vs. Patriots - This rivalry is still relatively young, and that's really the only reason that it isn't higher on the list. In all actuality, it's really Peyton Manning vs. the Patriots, but let's be honest, Peyton Manning is the Colts. This "rivalry" is really based on the fact that he hasn't figured out a way to beat them, regardless of how easily he discards of other teams. And I'm gonna stick to my belief that once the Colts (Manning) figure out how to beat the Patriots, they will be unstoppbale. Oh yeah, and they might wanna play a little bit of defense, too.

6. Redskins vs. Cowboys - People outside of D.C. and Dallas kinda stopped caring about this one, considering that both these teams pretty much suck now. However, these teams still hate each other and it's still considered a classic rivalry, so I had to find space somewhere on here for it. These two teams have hated each other since 1960, and...sorry, I started to fall asleep. I really don't care about this one at all. Moving on...

5. Kobe vs. Shaq - This is the only rivalry on the list that has individual players instead of teams, but I don't think anyone can argue that this rivalry isn't a valid one. When they played with each other in L.A., it was a well-known fact that they didn't really care too much about each other. Kobe criticized Shaq about not staying in shape, Shaq would take shots at Kobe for being a selfish player. After Shaq got shipped out to Miami, many people believed that there was an inside influence (Kobe) that encouraged the trade. And after Kobe got cleared of his whole "raping a white girl" case, he openly accused Shaq of paying girls up to $1 million to keep quiet about sexual trysts. Wow, that's pretty dirty. And you should see the way they blatantly ignore each other when they step on the court together. These two guys really do hate each other.

4. Ohio State vs. Michigan - These 2 teams have been playing each other since 1897, with Michigan leading the all-time series 56 to 36. This rivalry originated as a battle for superiority at a time when these were the two best college football teams. It came to a point where their games against each other often decided who would go undefeated/ get a bid to the national championship bowl game. Not only are they both in the Big Ten conference, their two states are also adjoined, and apparently their rivalry is as much over land as it is over sports. You can pretty much expect something good from this matchup every year.

3. Army vs. Navy - This rivalry is as much as an American tradition as it is a school tradition. Although these two teams are rarely ever good enough to compete for a title bid, whenever they play each other, it is the biggest game of the year for both schools involved. The representation of the country's servicemen facing off against each other has become somewhat of an American classic. I also think that the whole Armed Forces mentality comes into play here, where both teams go out to prove that they want it more than the other. Also, the Commander in Chief's trophy is a main factor in the rivalry, which is the trophy given to the Armed Forces team (out of Army, Navy, and Air Force) that beats the other two. They've been playing each other since 1890, with Army beating Navy a lot of times and Navy beating Army a lot of times, too (I was way too lazy to count).

2. UNC vs. Duke - These two schools are only a few miles apart from each other in North Carolina, and they absolutely hate each other. When these two teams play each other, you're almost guaranteed of a good game every time. I would even go so far as to say that probably close to half of NCAA basketball's best games include this rivalry. The thing that makes this rivalry great (besides the geography) is that both schools are always among the NCAA's elite. It's great watching 2 of the country's best collegiate teams go all out against each other year after year. There are countless professional players that went to one of these 2 schools. And you know what? If you were to ask any of them about the rivalry today, I guarantee they'd still say that they hate the other school.

1. Yankees vs. Red Sox - Some people might argue that I am biased since I am from New York and I'm a huge Yankees fan, but I think most of you who know about sports would agree that no rivalry really comes close to this one. I mean, these two teams actually do despise each other. I mean, during a game last year, the two teams actually cleared the dugout and just started to beat the crap out of each other. Not to mention, New Yorkers and Bostonians are probably the two most obnoxious and cocky people in the country. Sometimes I wonder if we care more about beating each other than we actually care about winning the World Series. And you know what? This rivalry is serious enough that that is actually a valid question. Now, the Yankees have 26 championships and the Red Sox only have 6, so you can pretty much figure out who has won most of their meetings. However, I have to give the Red Sox their credit for beating the Yankees in 2004 despite being down 3-0. As far as the future of the rivalry, I really don't see this one dying down for a while.

So that's that. Biggest rivalries in sports today. Granted, it's not the same as the days of Ali vs. Frazier, Lakers vs. Celtics, or even Cowboys vs. 49ers, but it's what we're dealing with today. And did you actually think that I was gonna include Miami vs. FSU? I mean, I'm biased, but I haven't quite lost my mind yet.

Thanks a lot, Monroe

2005-09-08T21:45:00.000-04:00

So on Monday night, Miami's football team lost to their rivals, Florida State, in a sloppy 10-7 game (I realize this post is a bit late, considering it's now Thursday, but bear with me). If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should probably get a life and start watching more sports. (Sidebar: the NFL season starts tonight and the NBA season is quickly approaching...the amount of sports posts that will follow will probably be more than is even necessary.) Now, I probably wouldn't be posting about this, except that I happen to go to University of Miami. We play FSU every year, and we had beaten them the past 6 years, all in close games. So I was pretty much under the assumption that this game would play out similarly.

Well, it didn't. And we lost.

Maybe the worst part about all this isn't the fact that we lost to our archrivals, or the fact that our QB got sacked 9 times (an FSU record), or the fact that we had plenty of missed opportunities (2 missed FGs and a botched hold that actually lost the game). I think the worst part was that we actually had T-shirts with the dates and scores of the past 6 wins against FSU, with the last date saying, "9/5/05 - Lucky Number 7". And since we lost, that shirt is pretty much worthless now. And there was nothing "lucky" about us blowing a winnable game, unless of course you were cheering for FSU.

Now, there are a lot of stories within the story here (2 new QBs facing each other, the fact that Miami had no timeouts left going into the 4th quarter), but I think what this game really came down to was that our holder (named Brian Monroe, just because I felt like putting this clown's name out there) couldn't hold onto the ball when we were set up for a FG while down 3 points. We were down 3!!! And the ironic thing is that many of the past games that we won againist Florida State were on account of them messing up field goals. I guess what goes around comes around...but back to Monroe. Can you imagine how stupid this guy must feel? Or better, how stupid his teammates are making him feel?? Or the dirty looks he must get on campus?? He's lucky I haven't seen him...I might have actually stoned him. All I can say is, I hope for his own well-being that we redeems himself in our next game against Clemson. Otherwise, the ridicule, shame, and overall persecution that will follow him will be pretty unbearable. Especially considering who we lost to. This raises a question: Where does UM vs. FSU rank among sports' biggest rivalries? (You already know there's a post coming for this one...any suggestions, feel free to leave a comment.)

The Man - Filmless Review

2005-09-07T23:45:00.000-04:00

No summer movie season is truly complete without a good two hours of Samuel L. Jackson yelling. He was in Star Wars Episode III, but Mace Windu is too reserved. I need my SLJ fix, and that galaxy far, far away didn't provide it. Here to rectify things is "The Man". In this cinematic monstrosity, Jackson is a federal agent that is forced to work with Joe Everyman (Eugene Levy) when some kind of mistaken identity thing goes down. The trailers have been pretty lame; although I think the poster is ok. You know how these movies go; except this time, the black-white buddy-cop thing is even worse than usual, as "The Man" is currently garnering a 0% Fresh rating at Rotten Tomatoes. That's impressive in its own way.

Samuel L. Jackson movies tend to fall into two categories. The occasional "I'm a serious actor with a broad range... watch me whisper and be pensive" movies, and the much more common "WHITE PEOPLE MAKE ME ANGRY" movies. The question in my mind became, "Are there movies about SLJ yelling at other races?". To IMDB I went.

I decided that I should start out discussing the SLJ movies that I've actually seen, before delving into full-blown conjecture. Let's begin:

Jurassic Park - Security guy at dinosaur amusement park that yells at white people.

Pulp Fiction - Charismatic hit man that yells at white people.

The Great White Hype - Flamboyant boxing promoter that yells at white people.

A Time to Kill - Distraught father that takes the law into his own hands while he yells at white people.

The Negotiator - Double-crossed cop that yells at white people.

Star Wars Episode I - Mace Windu. Little to no yelling at white people.

Deep Blue Sea - Billionaire philanthropist that yells at white people.

Shaft - Come on... HE'S SHAFT!

Changing Lanes - Screwed over regular guy that yells at white people.

Star Wars Episode II - Mace Windu again... Yawn.

Basic - Army sergeant that yells at white people.

Coach Carter - High school basketball coach that yells at black people.

I thought there may have had a disturbing trend going until I hit that last one. To be fair (As if I care), he was in "Unbreakable" and did very little yelling. I could go into a big thing about Hollywood typecasting and the repetition of cliched characters in studio films... But again, I don't really care. Watching Samuel L. Jackson yell at people is entertaining, I just think he should broaden his yelling horizons. Does he yell at people in "The Man"? Probably; but it stinks really bad either way.

Jessica Alba Should Learn How To Act At Some Point

2005-09-06T12:12:00.000-04:00

Jessica Alba is really attractive. I'm aware of this. I'm also aware of the fact that she is one of the worst actresses to ever get consistent film work in the history of mainstream motion pictures (And in all likelihood there are a number of porn stars out there that could have done a better job with Dark Angel... that show was really bad). It has gotten to the point where she seems to have given up on herself. Her last three roles have been as a hip-hop dancer in Honey, the cowgirl stripper in Sin City, and the Invisible Woman in Fantastic Four; And next up is a star-turn as half-naked beach lady in Into the Blue. The Playboy shoot draws near.

A lot of people couldn't care less whether Jessica Alba even had dialogue; as long as some of her clothing is removed over the course of the 90 minutes. That's cool, but I need a dash of substance to be incorporated somewhere. She's not even very good at things like presenting B-level awards (her cue card reading is painful) or hosting crappy cable-network compilation shows. In a way, she is very reminiscent of Jennifer Love Hewitt; with the differences being that Hewitt's mediocre acting skills dwarf Alba's and that her work on "VH1's Top 100 Love Songs" was awe-inspiring. Ms. Alba needs to make a life decision; either dedicate herself to becoming a passable thespian (ACTING CLASSES?) or start looking into things like that Wheel of Fortune letter-turning gig where she isn't forced to open her mouth.

Happy Hour

2005-09-01T22:45:00.000-04:00

Since I recently started school a week ago, I guess it would be appropriate to write a post about something directly connected to college life....drinking. Now, to put it in persective, I never drank before I came to school. But since I've been here, I've been known to drink from time to time. So after seeing (and experiencing) the effects of alcohol, I suppose the next question becomes, why do people drink? The obvious answer is to get drunk. But why do people like to get drunk? And there are several reasons behind that...

1. The Ice Breaker - When people drink, they have a tendency to loosen up. Something about alcohol makes people more comfortable in their surroundings. This is why when people start to feel the effects of alcohol before they're actually drunk, they call it "being loose" or "getting right". Sometimes when people are uncomfortable or a little iffy about where they are, they'll drink to help themselves get acclimated.

2. The Courage Juice - You ever tell yourself you'll do something (approach the girl you like, tell that annoying person to leave you alone, etc.) and you never actually end up doing it? I guarantee that with the help of a little alcohol, you'll have no problem doing whatever it is that once scared you. That's why drunk people always hook up. It's because alcohol gives you the confidence to approach people that you're attracted to (and, I'm gonna ignore the fact that alcohol makes you horny and impairs your judgement).

3. The Party Punch - I know some people that WILL NOT party unless they have some liquor in them. Why, you might ask? Go to a party sober, then go to a party drunk. Then come back and tell me which one was more fun. When you get drunk, everything becomes louder, funnier, faster, and overall, more entertaining. This is why clubs all have bars (and, I'm gonna ignore the whole "let's get girls to drink and lose their inhibitions" factor).

4. The Truth Serum - This is actually along the same page as the Courage Juice idea. This one says that when intoxicated, you will say how you feel, regardless of consequence and/or other people's feelings. You'll just say what you're thinking without considering the aftermath, at all. Trust me, I've seen it happen. You ever hear someone say the following morning, "I can't believe I told him that! I didn't even think about it when I said it!" Yeah, that was the truth serum talking.

So now, after adding these 4 factors together, you should be able to see why people enjoy to get drunk. It allows them to loosen up tension, do whatever they want to do, party harder, and say how they feel. Well, either that, or they enjoy the feeling of a hangover in the morning, which I doubt. I once read a quote that said, "Being a non-drinker is disappointing. When you wake up in the morning, that's probably the best you're gonna feel all day." Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish this drink...

Underclassman - A Filmless Review

2005-08-31T02:10:00.000-04:00

Nicholas Scott Cannon.

A few years ago, when I first saw that "Your Pops Don't Like Me" video on MTV, it dawned on me that I had possibly missed something in regard to this Nick Cannon character. I had heard of the guy, but through some strange twist of fate (some would call it "aging") my Nickelodeon watching ceased JUST in time to have never seen Nick Cannon actually perform on a television show. Not even on "All That". As a result, I can't really give an opinion on his work there; outside of the fact that it allowed that horrendous song to be written, produced and piped into my ears... which means that I hated it (Although I must admit that the song he made with R. Kelly was pretty good; not that I can remember anything he said in it). I can't neglect to mention that pro-life song, Can I Live, that he put out recently with Anthony Hamilton. Something about thanking your mom for not aborting you nearly 30 years ago is kind of... weird? And the children's choir that joins in really puts it over the top. This is a "movie review", right? So I should probably get to that.

Ok, ok, sorry. But I've got to talk about his new show on MTV. To start with it's called "Wild 'N Out"; I guess in an attempt to sound urban and edgy. Here's the thing... the phrase they were shooting for is more like "Wildin' Out" or even "Wyling Out". "Wild 'N Out" is more like a late night program on Logo. (As of right now, that link doesn't make the reference obvious enough... people will figure it out) I'm gonna give him a pass on this though; that's probably more of a problem with stupid MTV executives than Nick Cannon failing miserably at trying to be "down". His lack of "down" comes through more in the actual content of the show. Some genius decided that this thing needed to be as urban as possible; complete with bad lighting, faux-brick set pieces, and a variation of this as one of the standard segments. The grand finale every week, I guess you would call it a battle rap relay, is always of extraordinarily high caliber because we all know that stand-up comedians and professional choreographers are so good at that sort of thing. It has its moments, primarily because of the guests that drop by being so bad at everything (Christina Milian is on the Alba Plan) but all in all it's not so good.

Now about that movie... Nick Cannon and his ridiculous moustache (pictured) play a detective going undercover as a student at a private high school to investigate a murder. The whole black comedian as a cop thing is very fresh and original, so I must give credit there. This isn't a dumb idea for a movie so much as a lame one. Judging by the fact that I don't remember seeing any commercials for it, and that it's a teen action-comedy releasing on September 2nd; this movie's assiness is guaranteed.

Next Week's Filmless Review: "THE MAN" STARRING SAMUEL L. JACKSON AND EUGENE LEVY. AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!!! ENGLISH MOTHER****ER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!?!?

2005 MTV VMAs

2005-08-29T02:59:00.000-04:00

Don't Give Me That Look

Well; I watched all of it. Did I enjoy all of it? Hell no, but I tried to stick it out and deal with even the worst of the garbage. This "award" show was broadcast from beautiful Miami, Florida and hosted by Sean "Puffy, Puff Daddy, P.Diddy, Diddy" Combs. No, I don't know why. I'm not going to give any kind of chronological breakdown, because that would be annoying; instead I'm gonna talk about everything categorically:

Hosting - No, just no. Look, I like Diddy more than most people, but this is not his thing. His delivery stunk, his improvisational (or the things that I have to assume were improvised) stuff wasn't funny, and the prepared bits all bombed. His dancing, while apparently not intentionally, were the funniest parts of his act.

The Awards - I find that a lot of people get a little... "confused" with the VMAs. Even though they are the VIDEO Music Awards, people seem to enjoy talking about how bad the winners are musically in comparison to everyone else. The VIDEOS are being commended, not the songs. That said, the winners sucked.

Green Day took most of the awards; with various videos from their "American Idiot" album. I wasn't a huge fan of the album, so the constant drone from the media about how good it was is tiring. I think they were actually getting awarded for "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" most of the time. It was a good video, but I felt like there were better choices out there.

Kelly Clarkson won 2 or 3 times, which was strange since everyone watching (including the audience and HER) expected her Moonman haul on this night to be somewhere around zero. I have never really seen the video she won for ("Since You've Been Gone"), but I had heard about previously and just assumed it was crap. I could have been mistaken, but probably not.

Personally, I thought the best videos this year that I saw were Kanye West's "Jesus Walks" and My Chemical Romance's "Helena". In hindsight, the "Jesus Walks" video isn't really THAT good, but it tried really, really hard to be. That should count for something. "Helena" on the other hand was legitimately good; excellent choreography, some semblance of a story, the required number of performance shots, etc. Can you really get better than a zombie ballerina? Didn't think so.

Performances - The bread and butter; since these awards don't mean much of anything. I'll go one-by-one.

Green Day "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" - They might have been lipsyncing, but if they were, it wasn't obvious to say so definitively. This was a straightforward performance, and they sounded pretty good. The pyro was nice I guess. 7/10

Ludacris "Pimpin All Over The World" - They tried to "class it up" a little with some piano, I guess it was a nice touch. Went a little nuts on dancers and breakdowns and garbage like that. Ludacris also fell prey to the "I need to have some member of my posse up here ruining my performance" thing. 6/10

MC Hammer "Can't Touch This (remix???)" - This wasn't really a full performance; but I needed to mention it because it was HI-LARIOUS. They tried to freshen the song up or something, but they just made it like 57x worse. He must be hurting for money.

Shakira "Spanish Song Title That I Don't Know Off Hand" - This was actually pretty good; even that guy that does the song with her whose name I don't know. her dance moves are questionable, but she can sing and on the looks front... well, yeah. 8.5/10

R. Kelly "Trapped In The Closet" - This performance consisted of R. Kelly lipsyncing and acting out the parts of every character. It sounds like a terrible idea, but he seemed to have put some effort into it. You haven't lived until you've seen R. Kelly switch back and forth between playing himself, a woman, that woman's husband, and that husband's gay lover within a matter of seconds. 8/10

The Killers "Mr. Brightside" - This performance was done at some area hotel I think. It wasn't so hot. Brandon Flowers (the lead singer) may have "enjoyed" Miami a little to much the night before. More importantly, he was wearing a white suit jacket on top of a black V-neck t-shirt. Bad times. 5/10

P. Diddy, an orchestra, Dead 90s Rapper #2, Snoop Dogg "Don't Know What To Call This" - Literally SECONDS before this started, I said to myself "Shouldn't Diddy have started fellating Notorious BIG by now?" Well what do ya know... This was a good performance. "Juicy" was in there, along with other stuff; all done over a full orchestra. 8/10

Generic Reggaeton Artists "Reaggaton Is Terrible" - Daddy Yankee (I only know this guy's names because Jorge Posada has the song played before all of his at-bats at Yankee Stadium) and some other dudes did excerpts of their terrible songs. Horrible. But wait! While introducing this act, Fat Joe made a little remark towards 50 Cent; joking about the massive security force that he travels with. MORE ON THAT LATER. 2/10 for the music, 14/10 for Fat Joe provoking 50 Cent

Coldplay "Speed of Sound" - One of my favorites; but they really sounded like crap. I don't know what happened. Not much more to say. 5/10

Kanye West f/ Jamie Foxx "Gold Digger" - Best performance of the night, hands down. I was really shocked to head Jamie Foxx sing this strongly. Getting the crowd to chant "We need prenup!" deserves a ribbon or something. 9.5/10

Mariah Carey "Two Songs That I Hate" - I really, really dislike Mariah Carey; so much so that there's not even a point to discussing my feelings on her performance because I'm going to say that it sucked either way. Sucked/10 (But seriously, it was bad)

50 Cent f/ Tony Yayo "Candy Shop, Outta Control, So Seductive" - This stunk until Tony Yayo joined in did the Yayo things that are entertaining, like his ridiculous "shake my hand in front of my face really fast" dance. The real story here was the profanity-laced tirade directed at Fat Joe that they went into at the conclusion of the song. Most of it was censored, but I did make out "Fat Joe is pussy". 8/10 just for that.

My Chemical Romance "Helena" - They didn't sound too great live. Watching the zombie ballerina woman dance on stage wasn't as impressive as it is in the video. At the end the singer yelled "This is you grandma" nice moment. 7/10

Kelly Clarkson "Since You Been Gone" - I really didn't understand why she was closing a show of this magnitude (this spot is usually reserved for BIG TIME people) but she did well with it. She was getting drenched with water towards the end for some reason. Basically she went nuts for 6 minutes. 8.5/10

And that's that. The show wasn't very good overall, but there were some bright spots along the way. MOVE THE SHOW TO NYC/LA, NOW.

The NFL Ruined American Pro Sports

2005-08-27T07:53:00.000-04:00

There's a slight possibility that the 1-2 punch of Super Bowl 35 (Referees stole that game) and THIS DISASTER did irreparable damage to my pro football fandom; but I'd like to think that I'm not that fickle. It's just that I have recently found myself to be less and less interested in the NFL. At the same time I'm just as, if not more so of a college football fan (Go Irish!?!?!), so it isn't an issue with the sport itself; it's an issue with the National Football League.

You're probably thinking I'm going to go into a rant about Terrell Owens being greedy (don't care), Chad Johnson showboating (I'm all for it), or Randy Moss publicizing his marijuana use (duh); but that isn't what this is about. I am fed up with the "Salary Cap Era". I remember a day when my team's draft picks were allowed to grow and develop into contributing members of a successful franchise and then actually STAY with that team until they decide that it's time to hang up the pads. Unless you're an absolute superstar, the chances of that happening in today's NFL are next to nil. I remember way back in 1994 (when I was first getting into pro football) seeing the headlines about the departure of Phil Simms from my hometown New York Giants. I didn't understand it back then; but Phil Simms, a Super Bowl winner, was forced into retirement for salary cap reasons. It certainly wasn't an issue of diminishing skills... in fact, Simms' 1993 was arguably the best regular season of his career. I also got to see the same thing happen to Jesse Armstead and Jason Sehorn in later years. These guys were all still contributing, wildly popular, and big presences in the community (well, it's New York; so as big of a presence as a pro athlete can be). They were dumped solely to get under the NFL's Salary Cap. This kind of thing isn't getting any better as the years go by either. Just this season, established, veteran players like Peter Boulware, Ike Hilliard, Darren Sharper, and Ty Law all changed teams NOT because their former squads had no use for them; but because they had to get under the cap.

So how exactly is the NFL ruining pro sports? Well, this system that they have set up (the one where connections between players and fans is nonexistent and the overall quality of play falls every season) is also incredibly successful for the owners of the franchises. NFL teams make A LOT of money EVERY season regardless of the team's on-field performance. This is all thanks to the utter failure that is the NFL Players Association (these guys can get cut at any time, for any reason and their contracts mean jack... and people wonder why players holdout for guaranteed money) and the massive media contracts that the NFL is able to wrangle out of ESPN/FOX/CBS/NBC. Everyone makes money and interest has never been higher... right? What's not to love? For the owners of franchises; nothing. For the fans; a lot. There are some things in play here that people enjoy overlooking:

1. NFL teams play once a week. Going on and on about NFL ratings in comparison to those of the NBA, NHL and MLB is a joke. How would you expect interest on a game-by-game basis in a sport where 8-9 wins gets you into the playoffs to ones where 44 and 90 are necessary? That's just reality; and as a result, the NFL is going to be able to demand far more in media contracts. A salary cap didn't magically make NBA Finals games pull 45 Nielsens; it won't do so for the Stanley Cup Finals, and it wouldn't for the World Series.

2. The NFL's dirty little (not so) secret is that interest in the sport is derived so greatly from gambling. You think injury reports are out there for the service of the casual fan? HA. They're in the newspapers all week to serve the needs of the bettor. Real fans aren't going to decide to "skip this one because Brady is Questionable"... but I WILL think twice about laying 6pts on the road with a banged-up signal caller. A salary cap doesn't make a sport any more inviting to Vegas. That comes from being a weekly affair rather than a daily one.

3. "Parity is great for the fans". Really? First of all, the term "parity" in relation to the NFL needs to be clarified. The playing field has certainly leveled-- because all the teams suck. I'm not even that old and I can pull the "I remember the good old days" thing. The 90s NFL Dynasties (Cowboys, Broncos... and kinda-sorta the Bills, Niners and Packers) were all FAR superior to the teams of today, with the possible exception of the two most recent New England championship teams (and that's why they kick everyone's ass). One-sided monsters like the Ravens, Bucs and Rams of recent history were not of the same caliber as those complete teams fielded in Denver and Dallas. I'm a Giants fan and I know that their most recent Super Bowl team was nothing special. The same thing is starting to bear its teeth in the other salary cap sport (NBA), as witnessed over the past two seasons with Detroit winning (come on... they were good, but not "defeat the team with two of the top 5 players of all time" good) and the quick turnarounds in Phoenix and Seattle last season. Franchises in Salary Capped leagues are incapable of putting together both star players and capable role-players (at least ones not based in New England or San Antonio). The NHL shut down for a full season to get their own salary cap... Do I really need to see both an extended hiatus and the end of ACTUAL great teams in Major League Baseball too? No.

Maybe this is the Yankee fan in me speaking; but:

I don't care if you think your team can't compete; they can. The Marlins won a championship with no fans and moderate payroll, the Twins and A's compete every season with low payrolls, and the defending Stanley Cup Champion Tampa Bay Lightning were in the bottom third of the league in that department... along with their finals opponent Calgary Flames.

I don't care whether billionaire owners make money on their teams.

You realize that owners aren't FORCED to push salaries to levels that they can't handle, right? They need to stop running their teams like 4 year olds that got into the cookie jar.

Google Talk: The 3rd Horseman of the Googlepocalypse

2005-08-24T20:34:00.000-04:00

Google Talk

First there was Google Maps, with the eerie "this was taken in broad daylight yet there isn't a person to be found" thing, then there was Google Desktop where they indexed your entire hard drive and mysteriously needed an internet connection to operate at full capacity (even though they "aren't doing anything with the info they collect"), and now they're jumping with instant messaging... and the big selling point is voice chat!

The last thing I need is people seeing me online and trying to bombard me with voice messages that weren't even worthy of a phone call. I was also unaware of the great telephony collapse of ought-three. The primary appeal of Instant Messaging is the ability to communicate with multiple people simultaneously. This proliferation of voice chat is a bad thing. I can't voice chat with more than one person, and I don't know if you've ever tried to IM people while on the phone, buuuut it doesn't go too well. IM also allows you to carry on conversations even when you have absolutely nothing to talk about. Just drop some links, and BOOM, discussion sparked. I CAN'T DROP LINKS IN A VERBAL CONVERSATION. In the end, I see this becoming an elaborate music piracy tool... but don't tell anyone I said that.

As much as I hate Wikipedia, at least it's loosening Google's grip on the human race a little bit. How about getting this website fully indexed first... huh? HUH?!?!?!

80s Music

2005-08-24T01:15:00.000-04:00

I mentioned in my previous post that I felt the 80s was the best musical decade in the history of music. I also said I felt music as a whole was on a decline, but I'd hate to rehash that point. In any event, since I had some doubters as to whether or not this statement was accurate (i.e. Monticello), I've decided to write a post proving the validity of my belief.

First of all, the 80s were Michael Jackson's strongest decade, and since he's undoubtedly the best musical artist ever, that has to count for something. I mean, this guy could do it all; his dancing skills were (and still are) unparallel and incomparable, he put on better shows than anyone else, he revolutionized music videos, and could sound like a prepubescent preteen even though he was well over the age of 20. He even changed colors at one point. In my opinion, as far as musical artists are concerned, you gotta go with Mike at #1, Elvis at #2, and the Beatles at #3.

Now, Michael Jackson is a valid argument on his own, but let's break it down from a more general standpoint. For instance, let's start with pop music. The 80s had acts like Paula Abdul, Madonna, Janet Jackson, and Whitney Houston (pre-crack Whitney, that is). Since then, the only artists who have even come close to them are Mariah Carey (who had a mental breakdown and is now a 35-year-old has-been trying to be 25 again) and Britney Spears (who has quickly evolved into white trash, marrying a wigga and putting out a reality TV show taped from a camcorder). And even the almost-popular artists were better. Can you honestly say you wouldn't listen to Blondie over Jessica Simpson? I didnt think so.

Now, let's look at rap music. Nowadays, rap music has become a battle over who can pay for the best producers to make their beats and who can write the best choruses. Because honestly, no one says anything anymore. And on account of that, sadly, most fans of rap don't even listen to lyrics anymore. And why should they? Everyone raps about girls, money, drugs, cars, and guns. The lack of originality (and overall skill) is sickening, especially as a huge fan of hip-hop music. (This actually reminds me of how my other love, basketball, is also quickly becoming a bore.) Back in the 80s, rap was just beginning to become mainstream, and every artist was trying to bring new things to the table to help the genre flourish. On account of that, everyone was more original, more innovative, and overall, better. Can you think of anyone who tells stories better than Slick Rick used to? Do you know any artists that make commentary towards social change the way Public Enemy did? The one guy who I can think of that actually had well-received educational music since the 80s ended was Tupac, and he got killed. Which leads to another question: When did rap battles become so personal? They used to battle back in the day just to test each other's skills. Nowadays, say the wrong thing and you might get shot. I'm rambling; the point is, 80s rap is better than today's. (And this may be totally unrelated, but I hate 50 Cent.)

Lastly, we can take a look at rock music. Now, I'll begin by saying that I don't know too much about rock music nor do I listen to much of it, but I know good music when I hear it. The 80s bands were much more entertaining, and they spent more time trying to put on a show. And after all, isn't that what rock is all about? Not to mention, the "radical" movement kinda died out, and over the years rock has become more and more "mainstream acceptable". Now, this is not necessarily a bad thing if all you're concerned about is records sales, but bands like Motley Crue were not exactly mainstream acceptable and they didn't seem to have trouble selling records. It just seems like more bands are "playing it safe" instead of being innovative (kinda sounds like the rap paragraph, doesn't it?). Also, just about every classic rock band (besides The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, and Nirvana) came from the 80s. Aerosmith, Guns 'N Roses, Ozzy Osbourne, and Bon Jovi all added new things to rock music. Not to mention, KISS might have been the most entertaining concert band of all time. Nothing you see today comes even close.

Basically, the 80s was way better than any other musical era. It was superior in pretty much every musical genre (except for maybe R&B, I think the 90s got that). And in the end, you can't really go against anything that has to do with Michael Jackson. After all, he gave us Thriller.

The Brothers Grimm - Much Like the Prospects of Me Seeing This Movie! A Filmless Review

2005-08-23T10:02:00.000-04:00

*rimshot*

We all are familiar with the Brothers Grimm; Little Red Riding Hood, Snow White, Hansel and Gretel, Rapunzel... the list goes on and on. But did you know that they are also the lead characters in a Hollywood blockbuster staring Matt "Will Hunting/Jason Bourne" Damon and Heath "Ladies love me and I share my name with a mediocre candy bar" Ledger? The commercials are annoying and the plot synopses that I have read are so convoluted and asinine that I can't be bothered with trying to actually unravel that web of idiocy. I've gathered that the Grimm Brothers, Wilhelm and Jakob (but for the purposes of this supercool flick, Will and Jake!) make ends meet by convincing presumably ignorant townsfolk that supernatural creatures are running amok and can only be dealt with by employing their services. Apparently the scheme gets exposed at some point and they end up having to deal with "real" supernatural creatures. I would write this off as a stupid kids movie, except it's PG-13; so I'm forced to write it off as simply a stupid movie.

This is almost as stupid as Stealth... but at least Stealth didn't involve real people being thrown into a fantasy plot, so this might even be worse.

As I alluded to earlier, this film is reminding me how non-existent Heath Ledger's career is. I know he was in The Patriot with Mel Gibson, and Ned Kelly (which is apparently a good movie; not that I saw it), but... what else? I figured I was forgetting some things about him, so I went to his IMDB page. Turns out I'm not forgetting anything-- unless you consider "10 Things I Hate About You" to be something. He strikes me as a male Jessica Alba, where the stardom far exceeds the production. Of course, comparing Heath Ledger to Jessica Alba isn't entirely fair-- since she's pretty much the worst actress ever.

I suppose that this crap cloud's silver lining is that Monica Bellucci is in it. Two problems. One, I can only post one picture per post (not really, but I don't care enough to go through the procedure required), two, even if I were considering putting a picture up, "Monica Bellucci" and "tasteful picture on Google image search" seem to be mutually exclusive; and three, she didn't de-suck those Matrix sequels... so why would I expect her to save this piece of garbage? She's that person between Ledger and Damon in the poster anyway-- if you get a magnifying glass or something you can see her better.

Next Week's Filmless Review: "Underclassman" with Nick Cannon. Oh Yeah.

The 40 Year Old Virgin Scores

2005-08-22T18:41:00.000-04:00

The 40 Year Old Virgin has been getting outstanding reviews (89% Fresh at Rotten Tomatoes) and managed to overcome its horrible, horrible title; coming in first at the box office this weekend (~20million). This only leads me to believe that this movie could have pulled 25-30 with a decent name... and Carrell still has to deal with being known for his 40 Year Old Virgin for the rest of his career (I guess he could do some kind of action or dramatic role to "cleanse the palette", but I don't see that happening for him any time soon).

Finally, considering that its big competition next week is going to be that Brothers Grimm monstrosity; 40 Year Old Virgin has a fair chance of racking up consecutive victories. Then again, The Force* is strong with Matt Damon and Heath Ledger.

* - "The Force" being the teenage female audience that runs mainstream media.

Summer Music

2005-08-19T21:20:00.000-04:00

I know, it's been a while since I last posted. However, I didn't want to deprive all my loyal fans out there (translation: I didn't want to be completely taken over by Monticello). In any event, since summer is drawing to a close, I think now is a safe time to look back and evaluate the music that has been introduced. Summer is always supposed to be the target season for musical artists, so let's see how they did.

Foxy Brown ft. Sizzla - Come Fly With Me: First new song I heard this summer, and I automatically liked it (you think the fact that I'm Jamaican played a part?). I wasn't sure how long it would last as a hot song, but it held up. However, I've heard Foxy doesn't write her own lyrics, so I guess that knocks the validity down a little.

Jay-Z - Dear Summer: Good lyrics, inventive idea of rapping to the actual season of summer. I guess he can do that though; is there any doubt that Jay-Z has owned summer for the past like, 5 years? Funny thing about this track - it's on Memphis Bleek's album, but Bleek is not on the song. When Jay-Z said "I'm retired", did that just mean "I'm gonna rap on other people's albums and make money by just making singles?"It's a possibility.

Teairra Mari - Make Her Feel Good: Unlike the Foxy song, this song did not hold up. It was hot at the beginning, but got tired (and outplayed) real quick. And no, she will never have another successful song. But at least she looks cute...

Pussycat Dolls - Don't Cha: This song pretty much sucks, the lyrics are obnoxious, and the vocals on the track aren't all that impressive. Yet, it's catchy and everyone likes it, so who cares if it sucks? And sadly, I've sung along to it....more than once.

Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl: Another terrible yet catchy song. Does anyone even know what a hollaback girl is? Or care? I've realized that all you really need to do is get a Neptunes-produced track and it's a hit. Hell, Snoop never says anything on any of his songs, yet we all listen to his crap.

Mariah Carey - We Belong Together: Seriously, this song haunted me all summer. I acutally couldn't escape it. I HATE IT. A LOT. And what is the age where your PR people say, "OK, it's time to stop tryna act sexy"? Hasn't Mariah reached that age yet??

Mike Jones- Back Then: It's Southern rap. I don't even feel that that's worth a critique. 'Nuff said.

Ying Yang Twins - Wait: Not really a summer song since it came out in like March, but it was still worth a mention. And I'll throw y'all a little hint; this fall's "Wait" is Play by David Banner. Make a note of that, for all you fall semester clubbers out there.

Tony Yayo ft. 50 Cent - So Seductive: Crazy beat, terrible lyrics. But this is what you expect when 50 Cent is involved.

Damian Marley - Welcome to Jamrock: I loved this song. Of course, more Jamaican bias, since most people don't know what he's saying.

Kanye West ft. Jay-Z - Diamonds Remix: I hated the original, but the remix was hot. Jay-Z pretty much owned Kanye on his own song (and beat), but hey, he's Jay-Z. By the way, did anyone else realize that the Diamonds video had nothing to do with the song? At all? Oh well, most people don't listen to lyrics anyway. Right now, I'm right on that line where part of me hates Kanye for all the stupid stuff he says, and part of me loves him for the witty things he says. Oh yeah, and the Golddigger video sucks.

Black Eyed Peas - Don't Phunk With My Heart: I hate them.

Missy Elliot - Lose Control: This song sounds like some kind of mix that a techno DJ would create and play on the radio on a Friday night. Like, wait, this is an actual song? I'm not sure what Missy is doing with her career, but I always thought she was terrible anyway. And it's not even like she's hot, so she has no excuse for sucking so bad. This could possibly be my least favorite song since 2000 (probably not completely true, but I've hated too many songs since then to actually remember.)

Needless to say, this summer has been a disappointment. Aside from a few hot songs, the rest were all weak. What is going on with music nowadays? I feel like music as a whole has reached it's peak, and right now we're just sliding downhill at a steady pace. It's terrible, actually. And it also seems like all the hot songs are simply samples of old songs. No creativity anymore. Which is why I believe the 80s were the best musical decade ever. I would discuss at further length, but I'll probably end up devoting an entire post to that statement in the near future.

Everyone's Favorite Peruvian Deferred Columbia Grad Student Named Johanna

2005-08-18T11:02:00.000-04:00

I just really wanted to use that title. It's so good that I will probably make several posts in the future of the same name. You'll deal. Also, this post contains some spoilers for the rest of Real World: Austin... even if they are kind of obvious and easily found on MTV's website. Once again, you'll deal.

If you watch The Real World, you've noticed how Wes (the frat guy) has been enamored with Johanna (everyone's favorite Peruvian deferred Columbia grad student named Johanna) since day 1. You've also noticed that EFPDCGSNJ is fully aware of this fact, and has had a grand old time playing along with it. On the latest RW, Wes had the great idea to "make Johanna jealous" by bringing a random RW groupie home and sleeping with her; because that works (???). This is not to say that plucking the jealousy strings doesn't work-- but I don't know if its effectiveness stands up once penetration is achieved. I'm gonna go with "That's a tad bit too far".

Ok, spoiler time.those that don't want to know should scroll down to the bolded text

A Columbo-esque scan of MTV.com's Real World content, namely the MTV.com member profiles of Wes and EFPDCGSNJ turned up some interesting info. In the "keywords" section of those pages you'll see "Wes kissing hella slow" in Johanna's and "Johanna. Kissing hella fast!" in Wes'. There are some conclusions to be drawn here.

1. Some MTV employee, probably several, and likely every single one of them, is an idiot for allowing this to be on the website. This thing is one click away once you access the Real World section. That's just stupid. I can fully understand Fratty McFraterson and Johanna having no problem with ruining plot secrets; but MTV should care... not that I'm going to stop watching.

2. Wes is from Kansas and typed out the word "hella". That is California lingo if I've even seen it, and this guy is from about as far away from California as possible without a traveling over some major body of water. Conveniently, EFPDCGSNJ is from... RIVERSIDE, CA. As any frat brother worth his salt would say; "wha-chish". I'm aware that Wes goes to Arizona State, which is populated by a good amount of Californians-- making it quite reasonable that he would pick up such catchy slang as "hella"; but that explanation isn't entertaining at all.

LACEY HOOKS UP WITH NEHEMIAH

The 40 Year Old Virgin Suicides

2005-08-15T23:16:00.000-04:00

Steve Carrell is a funny, funny man; from his work as a correspondent on "The Daily Show", to his work in "Anchorman" as Brick Tamland,and even the Americanized "The Office" that lasted on NBC for about 3 weeks. In fact, to celebrate Carrell's contribution to the history of the motion picture; I will post his introductory quote from Anchorman:

"I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I'm polite and I'm rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an IQ of 48 and am what some people call 'mentally retarded.'"

Fantastic. The inevitable debut of Steve Carrell as a Hollywood leading man is finally upon us, but strangely I'm not overly excited. Why? Well, let's just say that the evil marketing people that I spoke of in a previous post probably should have had more input on this one. I think a simple glance at the movie poster (provided above) makes the problem sufficiently known. I have a number of issues here:

1. I have to go up to a ticket booth and say "One for 40 Year Old Virgin". That just feels stupid. This might be the most order-unfriendly movie name ever. What other options are out there? I guess you could say "One for Virgin", but that's probably worse. "One for 40 Year Old" would probably work, but that is so obviously an attempt work around the actual name of the movie. I'm really not seeing a good solution outside of getting other people to buy your tickets for you; or sneaking in, which is illegal and NOT endorsed by this fine and upstanding blog. The Carrell-aholics, as they prefer to be called (according to me 7 seconds ago) are just going to have to deal with it.

2. Let's take a trip to Hypothetical Land, where this movie's unfortunate title doesn't cripple it at the box office and drive Universal Pictures out of business... How will being typecast as The 40 Year Old Virgin serve Mr. Carrell? You may say "Hey, Jim Carrey got past Ace Ventura", to which I would respond "Yeah, but it took several years, and even Ace Ventura didn't have this dopey of a grin on his face in advertising materials".

3. I don't really have a #3, so I'll just go with THIS MOVIE IS TITLED "FORTY YEAR OLD VIRGIN". I'm gonna see it anyway, but this should be stowed away for future reference.

Wait, you just said what?!?!

2005-08-12T20:30:00.000-04:00

Yes, it's true; I actually miss school. I think this is the first summer I've ever spent actually counting down the days until I go back to school. Ever. I mean, I've experienced the whole "I'm ready for summer to end now, but only really because I'm bored and it's mid-August" thing, but I can honestly say that I've been longing to go back to school since like mid-June. Why, one might ask? Let's try to explain...

First off, I go to school in Miami. Yes, Miami. 'Nuff said.

Second, this is my first college summer. I can remember how excited I was when I discovered that my summer break would be 3 whole months. But you don't realize how long and tired 3 months actually is. And it gets tired quick. Besides, as I said, this is my first college summer. I think everyone would agree that college is by far more enjoyable than high school. So it's not like you dread going back to school as much as you would in high school. I mean, you're in class for like 3-4 hours a day. Big deal. To be honest, I don't even think of class when I hear the word "college". Oh yeah, and I go to school in Miami.

Third, the tail end of second semester was the most fun that I (and majority of the other freshmen I've spoken to) had throughout all of freshman year. When you're really enjoying yourself and having fun and experiencing new things, it's not like you really wanna stop. And when the reality hits that you and all your friends have to split up for 3 whole months...well, it sucks. Especially when it happens at the peak of your good times. And did I mention I go to school in Miami?

Lastly, as I mentioned in my previous post, I worked two jobs for the majority of my summer. Working 12-13 hours a day are not exactly what I would describe as good times. Whatever fun you intended to have during your summer break instantly becomes a mere fantasy, because you can't really do anything besides work. And by the time you get off, all you wanna do is eat and sleep. This too sucks. The worst part is that working 2 jobs pays so well that you don't even want to stop working. Yes, I said YOU DON'T WANT TO STOP WORKING. Greed is a powerful thing. In any event, I will be back at school (in Miami) on the 21st. Not to worry; I will continue to post.

Mighty Morphin Breaking News

2005-08-12T14:31:00.000-04:00

First of all; let's have a hand for VH1's "Kept" taking the crown as most-discussed topic on this blog. How this happened, who knows. This third entry has arisen because it just struck me that there was a little throwaway line one episode about one of the Wonder Twins (Ricardo and Slavco) having been Power Ranger in the past. Thanks to the magic of the internets, I was able to investigate. As you can see from the picture above, this investigation produced results. Ricardo Medina Jr. played Cole Evans (RED RANGER) on Power Rangers Wild Force.

This effort raised a number of issues. One, HOW MANY DIFFERENT INCARNATIONS OF POWER RANGERS ARE THERE?!?! Wow. From what I can tell here, there have been 13 seasons of the show; and ELEVEN different versions of Rangers. Lightspeed? Dino Thunder? What the hell? Second; while I already knew that the original Power Rangers shows consisted of American actors combined with fighting footage from an older Japanese show, I didn't know that the fighting sequences were from 1975. I feel like my world is falling apart. On top of that, I also learned that the Japanese series only had one female in the original lineup... meaning that the Yellow Ranger that you saw doing all the sloppily choreographed martial arts WAS A GUY. Trini (who died in a car accident a few years ago) was obviously a female, but the one doing all the fighting? 100% dude.

Back to Ricardo. I cannot believe that this guy was working in children's television. This show doesn't try to seem "educational" or anything (I do seem to remember a minor environmentalism push), but if dirtbags like this can reach our children on a weekly basis -- let's just say that I fear for the future. This guy was narcissistic, rude, dumb and made some "interesting" comments in regard to race. I disliked him slightly more than the other Wonder Twin... which says a lot.

Real World Austin: I'm a Believer (Part 1)

2005-08-10T23:39:00.000-04:00

I probably say this every season, but this year's Real World has been the best in a looooong time; if not ever. (No, wait -- what am I saying? Philadelphia was horrendous. That was a dud from day one... definitely never called that the best of anything.)

I. Melinda dumping "The One" in about 14 hours

It is scientific fact that you probably shouldn't even audition for Real World if you're in a "serious relationship"; let alone attempt to maintain that relationship once you get into the house. Guess what Melinda tried to do! Seriously -- do these people get cable? You can't tell me that Melinda OR her boyfriend (his name was definitely revealed on the show... But did I really care? No. Why? Because I knew he wouldn't matter for more than 4-5 episodes) thought they were gonna stick it out for 3 months; especially with her nymphomaniacal tendencies. This is the woman that was once seen in her casting tape screaming "I NEED ASS" and then going on to streak across a Wisconsin beach in broad daylight. That said; Melinda must have broken some kind of record this season. MTV makes a point of giving the viewer zero ability to determine how much "real time" has elapsed; but as far as I could tell, Melinda had punted "her soulmate" at about the 2:24 mark of Episode 1. I don't know whether to laugh, or to be disgusted. I guess Danny is just that damn good.

II. Danny breaking his face ON THE SECOND NIGHT IN AUSTIN

Everyone's favorite Peruvian deferred Columbia grad student named Johanna got a little "wild" on the first night (I seem to remember dancing on bars, bodyshots, random kissing -- all that good stuff), so she enlisted Nehemiah to watch out and make sure that she wouldn't do anything too crazy during her drunken blackouts. Of course, she gets epically drunk the next night and ends up trying to physically fight Nehemiah. Lucky for us; he decided to just leave the premises (some Austin club) ASAP. Danny and Wes (just as, if not more drunk than Johanna themselves) freak out when they hear about Nehemiah's escape, and proceed to crawl the streets of Austin asking "Have you seen a black guy?". I think I should repeat that one; but with style: They proceed to crawl the streets of Austin asking all within earshot, "Have you seen a black guy?" While carrying out this journey of stupidity, Danny runs across the wrong intoxicated frat boy and gets his orbital bone pulverized. Somehow he ends up blaming Nehemiah for this, drunkenly yells at him a bit, and has it all blown out of proportion by the good folks at MTV. Well, his eyes getting blown out of proportion kinda took care of itself, but the producers created the nehemiah thing. I'll get back to that in Part 2 (which may or may not ever be written)

Part 2 Coming When/If I Feel Like It...

A Followup Post for the Ages

2005-08-09T18:45:00.000-04:00

In an update to this post, the show that I discussed with Jerry Hall picking out which contestant to play Sugar Mommy to has run its course. Surprisingly, (as indicated by this quote: "If you haven't gathered this already; Seth's time on the show is likely to be wrapping up shortly, so you might want to start watching it about two weeks ago.") not only did the Wonder Twins get eliminated; but our man Seth actually pulled this thing out! Being a goofball and openly mocking the ridiculousness of the show's premise worked. This is akin to someone on The Real World opening up the season with an admission that he would be acting completely fake for the next 3 months. I have to say that this trend of Massachusetts winning every and anything possible (Well, not basketball... but the Celtics are just really, really bad; and uhh that Kerry dude) is getting on my nerves. By the way, did I see the runner-up crying at the end? Whatever scrunched-up face thing he was doing was definitely close to it.

Peter Jennings: July 29, 1938 – August 7, 2005

2005-08-08T22:37:00.000-04:00

I was never a big Evening News watcher; but during the big events I always went to ABC because I knew that Peter Jennings would handle the moment with composure and professionalism. He left the air in April due to complications from lung cancer, and passed away last night. Mr. Jennings will be missed.

F*** The Kids!

2005-08-07T22:20:00.000-04:00

On occasion I protest a little too much about things that aren't very important. One of the better examples of this would have to be my now life-long hatred of NBC for ruining "Ed" with cancellation threats (totally destroying the plot-line of the show) and then finally following through on those threats. I'd say "I'll be going into this more in the future" but I have been told several times that this was a horrible show and that I should be ashamed of myself for ever tuning into it. Anyway...

Unless you live under a rock or some other large object which does not have internet access or an electrical outlet; you have to have heard about Congress passing a national energy bill recently that has a Daylight Savings Time adjustment tacked on to it. Once this baby goes into law, we're going to have four more weeks of DST (as I will be referring to it, because I am already really, really tired of writing out "Daylight Savings Time"). DST would be starting three weeks earlier and ending one week later. I'm aware that this is "no big deal", but this is seriously the dumbest thing I have heard about getting through Congress in at least three weeks.

Starting DST three weeks earlier is going to mean three more weeks of children getting the "stand in the dark at this bus stop" start to their school day that we all dream about sending our own brood off to one day. Psychologically, the idea of getting up and going to school in the dark is bad enough; but there are also safety issues at hand. Car accidents and general street crime are more prevalent during night hours; and conveniently enough the places least likely to offer dedicated school busing happen to be places where these things occur at the highest rates... And what about all the kids that walk? From what I've read/heard on the topic, this move would also cost the airline industry millions of dollars on international flights since every nation isn't so stupid as to duplicate this nonsense. Not even Canada.

Those thinking that I'm going a little too far on this issue are probably assuming that there is some great purpose to this DST adjustment. The political supporters would have you believe that the energy savings (these projected savings are based on a study completed in the 1970s, by the way) are worth it. The thing is, that the figure that I have seen in regard to energy conservation here is ONE HALF OF ONE PERCENT A DAY. I know that in real terms this equates to a large amount of energy... But I'm going to choose to ignore that. Savings like that aren't enough to force me to eat dinner in absolute daylight (I find this to be very depressing for some reason).

Bottom line: this is political trash that some congressmen are going to point to in their next campaign speeches and claim to have addressed the "energy crisis". Do me a favor and actually ADDRESS THE ISSUE legitimately; and without endangering children and harming American business.

Work is miserable

2005-08-05T00:20:00.000-04:00

This summer, I kept myself busy by working 2 jobs (and no, I don't have kids I need to pay for). Now, these jobs are different- one is working the front end at CVS, the other is in the backroom at Target- but I noticed a distinct similarity at both. The people at both jobs hated being there. To be completely honest, the people at Target were much worse than at CVS, but the overall vibe was maintained at both. The collective hatred was so obvious that after working at Target for only a month and change, I would begin to get miserable just walking in the door. It was like the environment was just that ruined.

So the next thing you think is, is it the job that these people hate, or is it just working in general? And I'm pretty sure it's the latter of the two. No one likes to work, but unless you have a great jumpshot or you sell crack, you pretty much have to. And when you work anywhere for a certain amount of time, you will find things about the job that you dislike. As time passes, the things you dislike turn into things you hate. And the occassional whining turns into constant complaining. It's just the inevitable chain of events.

Now, I think I would be wrong not to mention that there were people at each job that were grown adults working the same job as me. I mean, it's cool to be making $7.50 an hour at 18, but if that's what you were making at 35, wouldn't you be somewhat miserable as well? And I haven't even mentioned management yet. It seems as if management in any organizational establishment can never seem to agree with their employees. Ever. Do they do this on purpose just to piss people off? Is there some kind of secret society in which managers, CEOs, and company presidents everywhere meet and plot new way to make their workers unhappy? Sure seems that way. Another factor that plays a part in the overall miserable atmosphere is the redundance. I mean, how many bottles of Centrum 21 do you have to ring up before you lose your mind? How many stupid customers can you put up with before you just punch one in the face? I'm sure this has happened before, I'm just mad I've never been there to witness it.

Bottom line: Working makes you miserable. Whether you go into the job with a good attitiude or not, whether you once enjoyed what you did, whether it's physical labor or a desk job, you will end up miserable. Some quicker than others, but it's bound to happen. That's what made the movie Office Space so great. Everyone can relate to having a job and just hating everything about it(well, that and the fact that the guy's name was Michael Bolton). And although I'm in college now and I can still enjoy myself, after I graduate, all I've have to look forward to is working for the rest of my life and being miserable. Horray, life.

Girls Are Mean (Ladder Theory)

2005-08-03T05:13:00.000-04:00

I wouldn't dare put LINDSAY LOHAN references in here just because were listed in search engines that like that sort of thing... she was in MEAN GIRLS after all.

I would have put a sad face icon thing in the title, but we can't use them. That sucks. Moving on... Alright I can either explain this, or just link and expect people to read it; but I know I wouldn't want to do that. Explain it shall be:

Apparently women take each man they meet and immediately place him on a "ladder"; some go on the "friend" ladder and the chosen few get thrown onto the "date" ladder. It's called a ladder because these people are "ranked" by your chances to end up with them (or be great friends?). Now supposedly this happens immediately; so if you got put on that friend ladder, bad times for you. I was introduced to this whole thing by a friend at college, but if you want to read up knock yourself out. Men on the other hand have one ladder on which they place every female they meet because apparently they are incapable of meeting anyone that they wouldn't "get involved with romantically"

This whole idea has both its merits and its unbelievably stupid for an actual sociological theory moments. I don't want any kind of relationship - physical or otherwise- with every woman I meet. According to Ladder Theory I'm lying right now... But I'm not dammit. Mr. Sociologist would have you believe that males are nothing but heartless, conscious-less predators out to get whatever they can from whoever they can. I'm not going to lie and say I don't know people like that-- I mean 30 minutes of this season of Real World would tell you that much. I'm personally a little tired of the demonization of my gender. Everyone isn't an asshole; just most.

Classic TV

2005-07-21T02:42:00.000-04:00

Recently, I was discussing sitcoms with my girlfriend when somehow Seinfeld came up. After I was done babbling on and on about how great of a show it was, she went on to express how she not only thought it wasn't funny, but thought it was a terrible show. WHAT?!?!? This is Seinfeld you're talking about here! That's borderline sacrilege! And as she went on to say that she "tried to watch it, and just couldn't find any humor in it", I began to reevaluate our relationship. Do I really want to be with a girl who doesn't watch Seinfeld? And it would be one thing if she simply didn't watch it, but she thinks it sucks. Isn't this means for dismissal in itself? In the end, I decided to give her a second chance and stay with her...for her benefit, really. But the conversation made me think; where does Seinfeld rank among the greatest sitcoms of all time? After much review (and research) I think I've put together what looks like a solid list of best sitcoms. In an attempt to save time, I've decided to pull what I believe to be the top 5 sitcoms and see what happens.

5. The Honeymooners - This show was from the 50s (?) and is probably the best black and white comedy ever (sorry, Lucy). Performed in front of an audience and aired live, this show featured two couples who lived in the middle of Brooklyn and followed the escapades of the 2 husbands, Ralph Kramden and his best friend Ed Norton. The Honeymooners was not only very funny, it set the sitcom trend of the domineering male who thinks he knows everything, when in actuality, the wife in the background was always really the smart one, letting him screw himself over just to be able to say "I told you so." Jackie Gleason made the show great with his physical comedy and facial expressions. I could watch the show today and still laugh despite it being over 50 years old.

4. The Simpsons - Probably the first sitcom from the 90s to become a cult classic. Not to mention, it set the trend of cartoons that aren't for kids (resulting in shows like Family Guy and South Park). Homer Simpson is everyone's favorite stupid dad, and Bart is everyone's favorite smartass kid. The script is genius and the show maintains a fresh feel even after all these years (you know The Simpsons has had 16 seasons??).The writing for this show is unparalleled and the cameos they always manage to have add a new facet to cartoon comedy, something we'd never seen before The Simpsons.

3. The Cosby Show - Starring Bill Cosby, who is one of the best comedians of all time, this show epitomizes clean cut comedy, which is something we don't see too often today. This show featured a middle-class black family, which is something we really hadn't seen prior to The Cosbys (most other shows had black families living in the projects). The Cosby Show had a way of showing family problems in a way that didn't seem preachy or informational, and managed to entertain at the same time, which is not easily done. The cast (with exception to Lisa Bonet) was put together perfectly and everyone seemed to have chemistry with everyone else in the show. You almost got the feeling that they all got along off the set, as well. Not to mention, Bill Cosby found ways to completely take over entire scenes without uttering a word. A very funny, smart, family-friendly classic.

2. All In The Family - Starring everyone's favorite bigot, Archie Bunker, All In The Family found a way to cross the lines of political correctness and be hilarious at the same time. There was something about Archie that you had to love, regardless of how offensive what he said was. It was as if the writers approached the stereotypes in America in reverse, shaping a show around a racist character and making him look like an idiot, instead of glorifying his naivete. The social issues faced by this show and the way they were approached made it entertaining, and Carroll O'Connor played his role as Archie to perfection. Easily one of the funniest shows ever, but not as good as...

1. Seinfeld - Was there ever any doubt? There has never been a show that has made me laugh as hard as often as Seinfeld has. The thing about this show that made it so great was the dialogue. The way they found a way to tie a main idea or two from the beginning of the show all the way to the end was amazing every single time. Also, Jerry Seinfeld and the other writers for the show wrote about the sort of everyday things that everyone notices but never mentions. To hear those type of issues discussed made the show hilarious. George Costanza and Cosmo Kramer are also easily 2 of American sitcoms' best characters. It's hard to even compare this show to any other sitcom before or after it, because it was so unique and there isn't any other show like it. Even when the show was still airing, you knew you were watching a television classic every time. Seinfeld is easily the best sitcom ever.

Honorable Mention: South Park, Friends, I Love Lucy, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Mr. Bean

What the Hell Happened Here?

2005-07-15T03:35:00.000-04:00

I'm sure that our millions of readers are pouring their morning coffee, booting up their computers, making their daily visit to Pop UnCultured, and instantly bursting into tears at the sight of the page before them. OK, not really.

In short, I was tired of the look. The plain "thing" was nice for a little startup operation; but we've hit the big time now, and it just wasn't cutting it anymore. Let the pleasant blue header soothe you. Marvel at the archives that no are no longer arranged by month, but by WEEK (gasp!). I even took care to make sure that every page in this site actually has an easily identifiable link allowing you to access the homepage-- I know, I know... That's just crazy, but I'm all about blazing trails.

And now time for a special message to some very special people. I'm talking to you, 1-4 visitors per day that end up here while looking for pictures of Slavco and Ricardo from VH1's "Kept". I know it's a little annoying that we're not scratching the proverbial itch for you; but please, read some of the stuff while you're here. I'll even look in to upping the Slavco/Ricardo content in the future*.

Back to the remodel. Look at all the pretty links to the right that nobody will use! We DO have an RSS feed that you can EASILY add to your My.Yahoo, MyMSN or NewsGator service (I have no idea what the last one is, but that is a damn sexy graphic). Last but not least, we're still "Powered by Blogger", but now it's blue instead of that weird off-white color that is pretty useless outside of bathroom wall treatments. Here's to another decade of memories! Cheers.

P.S.
"Look in to" does not mean that any actual effort will be made

P.P.S.
We encourage you to COMMENT just below. Look! \/ \/ \/

Haiku Korner

2005-07-05T00:24:00.000-04:00

I find the haiku to be fantastic because I can pump them out in 15-20 seconds while coming off as sophisticated. This works even if the subject matter is ridiculous... let's explore.

Summertime zephyr;
Refreshes the soul, soothes me
Life is but a wind

See, I picked a theme, rolled with it, and knocked that baby out in about a minute... with most of that time dedicated to counting syllables on my fingers. A second go:

Arctic windswept morn
The falling snow caresses;
The earth is embraced

Again, lots of time dedicated to counting syllables but not much to the actual choosing of words. I also got to express my undying love of winter. Time for the true test:

Bathroom love maker;
The smacking disturbs, "Oh God"
He's in there alone

Crude, yet poignant.